Aufsteigende Flügel

i will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart

2010-12-22T21:23:00.003+08:00

Another adventure gone, another one begins.

Such is life, no? It never fails to give you something to do. I guess that's why such things happen; they want to make your life more beneficial...give you something to remember, telling you that, "Hey, at least you did this, right?"

I suppose I could subscribe to that.

In any case, that is now what I am here to talk about, neither am I going to talk about half the things that are going on in my life right now. That's not the reason why I made this blog. But...if anything, I can say one thing though; I'm more determined this time. And I will make things right. I have to.

That story I will save for another day, today, I will tell you a different one...

- - - - -

Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a kingdom ruled by a king whose rule was fair and just. Since his ascend to the throne at the age of eighteen, the kingdom bloomed and prospered under his rule. The people of his kingdom loved their king and the soldiers and knights were loyal enough to die in his service.

But for a kingdom that prospered and a king that ruled justly, war was a rare occasion. The king was tactful enough to maintain good relationships with other kingdoms.

For thirty years, he was a happy king for as he ruled the kingdom, he had his loving wife, the queen, to support him every time he falls. He was blessed with two sons and loved them both very much.

The two sons were very close, often helping each other whenever they get into trouble.

On the king's fortieth year of rule, his beloved queen passed away. He grieved for her death and slowly, the kingdom slowly lost its glory.

Not long after that, he fell into a sickness that took away his ability to walk. Knowing that his end was near, he named his eldest son as the heir to the throne.

The eldest son knew that it was his duty to ascend to the throne, and thus, he accepted his duties. However, he was unaware of his youngest brother's flaring jealousy.

On the fiftieth year of the king's rule, the king finally released his final breath and died peacefully. For a long time, the people grieved on the passing of their beloved king.

The eldest brother was named king and soon after that was his coronation.

On the day of the coronation, just as the eldest brother was about to receive the crown that signifies him as the official king, the youngest brother summoned his army and attacked everyone present in the ceremony.

The eldest brother managed to escape the massacre, but left the kingdom with a broken heart. So, he wandered across the continent, trying to just die as he wandered...until he came across a certain something that changed everything.

While the elder brother fled the kingdom, the younger brother took over the throne and became king.

But after ruling for so long, he suddenly thought of his beloved brother and how horrible he was back in the past. He felt the guilt in him and at that moment, the love for his eldest brother returned.

He sent out search parties to look for his brother and after months of searching, he finally found his beloved brother.

The eldest brother returned, carrying a strange sword with him. Many noticed the change within the eldest brother, and most concluded that he was not the same person he was before this. Soothsayers warned of an approaching danger to not only the king, but the entire kingdom itself. Yet the younger brother denied their words and welcomed his brother with open arms.

There was a feast made in honour of his brother's return and for three days and three nights, they dined and celebrated. And for three days and three nights, the eldest brother remained silent.

On the fourth night, when everyone was fast asleep (including the younger brother), the eldest brother began his revenge.

In the dead of the night, he slaughtered every single one of the people who lived in the kingdom. No one was spared, not even children or women.

No one but the current king, the younger brother.

But that was momentarily, of course.

When the younger brother woke up, all that he saw was blood. All that littered around him were corpses. All that he smelled was death. And before him was Death himself, in the form of his eldest brother.

The younger brother begged for him to be spared, reminding him of the brotherly love they had for each other. But the eldest brother stood there, his face revealing nothing but emptiness. There was no love in him for the younger brother, or the kingdom, or anyone else for that matter. There was nothing in him.

And so, the eldest brother raised his sword and smite it down on his defenseless younger brother.

Then there was absolute silence.

The eldest brother took the crown from his younger brother's head with his sword and walked all the way into the throne room.

He sat on the throne and struck his sword to the ground. The crown was then placed on the pommel of his sword and remained there, unmoved.

And there he sat.

And there he closed his eyes.

And there he ruled the land of the dead.

There, he waited.

- - - - -

I think I've posted this before. Somewhere. I don't remember.

Something tells me that I should work on this one too.

But when you have so many other things in your head, it makes you wonder when you'd be able to spare some time for the others. This isn't the only one that is still labeled as WIP; there is plenty.

And I am determined to finish them.

One by one.

P.S. I meet all sorts of interesting people everyday. I hope to keep meeting them. They're my source of inspiration, and my reason to keep doing what I'm doing. =]

we don't always see eye to eye

2010-10-23T10:20:00.004+08:00

It has been a very long while since we last spoke. How have you been?

. . .

Is that so? Well, I'd say things on my end are not looking too well. It feels as though the mess that I've been dragging since day one caught up with me.

. . .

I suppose you are right, we can't do away with it. Some we can only carry with us through the years. But there are those that we can discard, of course. *chuckles* Then again, you know me; I'm a hoarder. Of sorts.

. . .

Of course you would know; you've seen my head, haven't you? It's a clusterfuck of pain; pain for your eyes to see, I meant. But still, I know you can see past all that, right? After all, you're...you're like that, just as how everyone in this world hoped you would be.

. . .

I know, you're meant for everyone. Meant to be shared. But sometimes, I can't help but notice that people seem to just use you for their own means. Not to say that I'm innocent of that; heck, all of us are guilty of that act.

. . .

I guess, in a world of imperfection such as ours, we seek something like you. So we found you, in the back of our minds. But tell me exactly; if we actually found you in our minds, does that mean that we made you?

. . .

True, we can't make things like how you could. But we can always dream that we could, just like how we dreamed of you, no?

. . .

I've confused myself, you say? Perhaps, perhaps I have confused myself. And that in the midst of all this confusion, I'm just burying myself into a much deeper hole. Yes, you know that hole. I've told you that story many many times. *laughs* I wonder if you've grown bored of hearing it.

. . .

Ah, I forget. You're like that; you can take all the shit we go through and make it all nice and happy, no? All those things you hear; prayers, wishes, dreams, wills...they're all said to you. All the time. And you never get bored listening to them, don't you?

. . .

Yes, I know, you are like that.

. . .

Descriptions to that? What, are we leaning to the vain side now from all your glory? Oh, you meant 'appreciation'. Oh, no no, isn't that insincere to be asking for such things in return?

. . .

Well, tough luck. We're raised like that, I suppose. At least, I am. If you do something for me and expect something in return, then that's a no-no. I give it to you as I see fit, and you do the same for me.

. . .

Sorry, you said you've been helping me all these while? I...I guess I do need the help. And so does everyone. I guess that's why you've always been there for them.

. . .

Yes, I have been denying you all these while. Not you, per se, but rather, the teachings.

. . .

So, I guess I'm a heathen now, eh? A heretic, because I'm not doing the things everyone else is doing. Well, I'm living my life, as a human being, driven by my instincts and thoughts; is there any ill thoughts in it?

. . .

Oh yes, if we follow that all the way, then we're no different from animals, right? I've always thought that it was the mind that makes us different from them, not our way of life. Good and bad, the usual shit; yes, those.

. . .

Goddamnit, I came here to talk about other things, not to debate with you. It's endless, and pointless. I'm stubborn, you're patiently stubborn; and the whole world is against us.

. . .

I came here to talk about us, about what's going on between the two of us right now. About our relationship. Do you see us going anywhere with this?

. . .

My thoughts? Well, I don't know what the future hold, you know? Heck, I don't even know if half of my plans would go through fine. When we only have love and perseverance, it's kinda difficult.

. . .

Hm? This world is not permanent? Yea, I can see that. We have doom signs looming all around us.

. . .

What? No, not those silly signs; I meant the 'actual' threats. If it's not coming from us, then it's probably from everything else outside our planet. Maybe there's someone there out to get us. I know it's not permanent. My life is not permanent.

. . .

Honestly, I'd like to believe you. I want to believe you. But there's so many you all around. And everyone says different things about you.

. . .

Choose what I want to believe? Well, I'd like to believe in you 'you'.

. . .

Too much for my brain to process? All right, fine, I understand. I'm not great enough. But at the very least, I try...and confuse myself along the way. Pick myself up after the fall and try again. You've seen it before, many many times.

. . .

Trying the wrong way? What, there's an actual method to this? Gah, no, not what the rest of the world is doing. Don't you know that we're killing everyone else in the world for the sake of that?

. . .

Unity? There's no unity if everyone's segmented like that, dude. I'm not even touching on race here.

. . .

Speechless? Well there you go, your most devoted ones off to war, off to die for you. Wouldn't you like that? You made life anyway, so death really doesn't bother you...you eternal beings.

. . .

Me? Bitter? Hell yes, I'm bitter. I'm bitter that we're relying on you to stop all this nonsense.

. . .

You know, we're just like that kid begging for a new toy. You don't give us one, we throw a fit. Well, tell you what, father, this is our fit here. And it's costing us our fucking lives.

. . .

I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. I want to talk to you about something else, but...goddamnit, I'm just so bitter when it comes to you and your stupid devotees.

. . .

Calm myself? Well, I'll bloody well do that.

...I'm sorry. Things hasn't been going too well on my end. Easy things to solve, really, but you know how my head works. How I like to confuse myself like this.

. . .

We'll have to talk again. I'll try to put my bitter thoughts aside. We'll have an honest, open talk between you and I. And next time, I want you to tell me everything.

. . .

Your connection has very bad lags.

. . .

Most of the time, I just assumed on what you would say.

. . .

and even though I know how very far apart we are

2010-08-12T16:36:00.006+08:00

For the first time, in the longest time, I find myself unable to think of anything else but...nothing.

Perhaps 'tis the lack of food from fasting that is depleting my brain's processing power. It craves the bed; /I/ crave for my bed.

And the envy for good cameras continues. Reason being:

You can find more of these beautiful photographs here.

i guess that's why i'm leaving, i crave reality

2010-05-19T14:42:00.009+08:00

I watched her as she grew.

I watched her as she created her dreams.

I watched as they tore her out from her dreams.

I watched as she was tossed into this cruel, cruel world.

I watched, oh-so-painfully, as she created a fragile bubble around her from the fragments of her dreams.

I watched the bubble burst.

I watched it formed around her again.

Burst.

Create.

Burst.

Create.

Hardened.

I watched as she trapped herself within that hardened shell of a bubble.

I watched as the surface of that shell formed faces attached with different emotions to it.

Sorrow.

Humility.

Sacrifice.

And joy. Plenty of joy.

But they were mere masks, for she remained hidden, protected within that shell. There, she dreamed of endless pastures, of bliss, of company, of love.

I watched as a crack began to form around that shell, and saw her peek out from within it.

I watched as another being approached her and offered her his hand.

I watched as she took it into her hand and held it for a very long time, feeling the warmth that is reality and not the coldness of dreams.

I watched as she suddenly released that hand and retreated deeper into her shell, forming more surfaces across the already hardened shell around her.

I watched as the faces around the shell began to twist and turn, forming strange and odd expressions.

Fear.

Lust.

Loathe.

Submission.

BLANK.

I watched as more and more beings begin to gather around her, in an attempt to crush the shell hid herself in.

I watched as she screamed in protest, like the selfish little girl she is. She formed more surfaces, only to watch it shatter before her very eyes.

I watched as the shell began to crack open, and watched as they dragged her from within it once more.

I watched as they tossed her to the side and left her there.

I watched her as she sat there, rocking back and forth miserably.

Lost. Angry. Sad. Confused.

I watched her when they started to touch her hair, lips, cheeks, ears, neck, shoulders, breasts, stomach, waist, thighs, crotch, thighs, calves, and feet with their bare yet ghost-like hands.

BLANK.

I watched as she grew numb to their touching.

I watched as a man approached and drew them away with his mighty blade.

I watched as she struggled to gather the remaining pieces of the shell and wore it over her face.

I watched as the man got to his knees and took the mask away, smiling at her.

I watched as he tied a red string to her finger, joined to his.

I watched as he presented a door before her.

I watched as he undressed himself and stepped into it.

I watched as she sat there, looking from the red string to the man that waited for her on the other side of her door.

I watched as she brought her hands to her eyes to look at the remaining shards of the shell that latched itself on her hands.

I watched as it weighed her down when she approached the open door to where the man was.

I watched her fall to her knees and begin to crawl towards the door.

Then, she stopped.

And then, I moved towards her and stood behind her.

"Why do you stop?" I asked.

She whispered: "Heavy,"

"But you could still move just now,"

"I can't now. I'm unsure,"

"Why?"

"I don't know what's there. I'm afraid. I'm afraid I might hurt him,"

"Why would you want to hurt him?" I asked; confused.

"I don't want to hurt him. I don't. He is very kind to me. Very kind. I love him. Very much. I don't want to hurt him. I never want to. I never will,"

"But you stopped," I said, and pointed at the red string on her finger, "And he tied that on you,"

"Fear, Saaya. I fear," she whimpered, "I fear for him, and for me. I want to run,"

But I stopped her, and pulled her back to the open door, where he stood waiting for her. She looked so fearful, yet, that apparent longing expression on her face was stronger.

I held her in my arms as I pulled those shards off her, watching as blood began to flow from the wounds left by the shards I pulled out. She winced, twitched, and turned about. She cried out names, our names, as I pulled them all out.

"We are stopping you. We are planting machinations into you. We are blinding you," I explained softly to her, "We must go,"

"Please, please, pleeeeease, don't take them away from me. I need them. I need them," she wailed, flailing her arms to reach for the fallen shards.

"No," I replied sternly, plucking the others but leaving only two shards in her. One of them was mine; "You must stop making us. You must stop creating us,"

"But without you, without all of you, I..."

I spun her around and made her face the man, "You have him," and I gently lifted the red string to her eyes, "And this. See-" I tugged at the string, smiling at her, "It is strong, stronger than any of ours,"

She watched in wonder, but with a tinge of doubt.

"And it can grow much stronger than it is now," I continued, holding my hands tightly on her shoulders, "All he needs is you, as you have once needed us,"

"I..."

I took her hand and let her touch the string, letting her feel its smooth texture and the strength within it. I watched as she caressed the string gently, lovingly, before lifting her face up to look at the man on the other side of the door.

"Fear no more, my dearest one," I whispered into her ears, "You are in safe hands,"

She shuddered as my wings came down upon her trembling body, giving her one final embrace before I backed away from her.

Whimpering, she almost turn-- "DON'T," my voice boomed towards her, "We are gone, Alissa. We are no more. We cannot be,"

Softly, she asked; "Why?"

"Grow with him," I looked at the man beyond the door, "Move forward, and don't turn back,"

From where I stood, I watched as she lifted her head high and closed her eyes. And for the longest time, she remained silent, her eyes closed, her mind thinking. Her fists were clenched tightly on her sides, but it softened soon after.

I watched as she undressed herself before the door, before him.

I watched as revealed the last two shards that sunk deeply on her back. They were much deeper than the others.

I watched as she bit her lips in pain as she removed both the shards from within her.

I watched as she held them tightly in her hands, sobbing, and throwing them both to the floor. At that moment, I could feel myself disappearing. My sight began to blur. My senses grew numb. And my thoughts, my memories, fading slowly.

Yet, I continued to watch her, watch as she got to her knees and picked the smallest piece from one of the shards she broke. Needless to say, it was not mine.

I watched her as she stood up once more, held on to that speck of the shard in one hand, and the red string on the other.

I watched as this girl looked up to the man, smiling as he held his hand out towards her.

I watched as the girl took a few steps through...what was it? A door? Something. I don't know. I can't remember.

She walked, and then she...moved faster. Running? I can't see very well.

Did the girl fnd th mn wth th...red...str....i.....n...g..

W...ha...t........ws......h....e..e...e...eeee....r........

.............n.....................n..........nn......na........m............e

................................................A.......................

...............

......

BLANK.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Growing up is not an absence of dreaming
It's being able to understand the difference between the ones you can hold
And the ones that you've been sold
And Dreaming is a good thing cause it brings new things to life
But pretending is an ending that perpetuates a lie
Forgetting what you are
Seeing for what you've been told

Oh, truth is stranger than fiction
This is my chance to get it right
And life is much better without all of those pretty lies

om mani padme hum

2010-05-14T16:54:00.002+08:00

How would this sound in piano?

If I have the time, I'd like to do a piano arrangement on this lovely tune. =]

i need a miracle, and not someone's charity

2010-04-30T18:35:00.006+08:00

Amidst the green leaves, the mosses upon the tree barks, the bushes that formed a painting of green with everything else; there, five figures hid. Three were roughly the same height, one was the tallest of them all, and the last of the five was the shortest. All were clad in similar garbs of black with a dash of green, which tells us one thing; they were all part of the same group. And the five stood there, eyeing an abandoned village not too far from where they stood.

"Is that the one?" asked one of the three, huddling close to the tallest one, "That village?"

He nodded, "Yes, that one. According to our scouts, that village was recently abandoned by the villagers due to some...event that occurred not too far from here,"

"Shouldn't we be worried about that little event than going there?"

The shortest figure in the group flashed out a knife and began to proceed towards the abandoned village; "We can discuss about that later. For now, our objective is to secure the remaining food supply in this village,"

The others watched the short one shifting from tree to tree, keeping close to the shadows until the short one eventually stepped outside of their hiding place. Her sharp violet eyes scanned the area before signaling to the others to come out. Seeing them slowly moving past the bushes, she turned back and strode straight into the village. Sheathing her knife, she drew out her sword and began to slowly pace about the area, eyeing the houses for any signs of food in the houses.

"Found anything, Goldhair?" asked the tallest man in their group.

The woman shook her head and turned back to the others; "Spread out. The faster we find something, the sooner we can leave this place," she pointed a finger at the tall man, "Berthold, check these houses near the entrance," and then she looked at the other three, "Auld, you go with Grenn to the houses near the crops. Don, you're coming with me to the houses on the other end,"

Nodding, they dispersed to their assigned locations. The woman, who was called 'Goldhair' earlier, hurried to the houses at the end of the village with Don tailing her from behind. She entered the first house to her left and with a swift kick to the door, she brought her sword down in a single arc. But what she slashed was nothing but air, the empty air of this abandoned village.

Don got to her side and looked about them; "Nothing here," he stepped away from her, "I'll search the kitchen,"

She acknowledged his words and proceeded to check upstairs. Goldhair reminded herself to be quick. After all, villages do attract other bandits aside from her group. If the other bandits were to arrive while they are still scavenging for food, well...

I lost a man back then. It won't happen again.

The first door to her right was open, as though to indicate that these people left in a hurry. But what could have made them leave so soon? Goldhair was aware of the current situation of the world, from everything else going down the drain in a matter of days to the New Erudia's armies claiming lands all around them; perhaps these villagers fear the coming force and fled before facing that danger. But to where? Even those people did not know. So long as they are far from danger, they will be fine; but how long can these people run with no place to go? She understood their sufferings, their pains, their sorrow.

She vowed to change all that.

Goldhair searched the rooms and found nothing but old clothes and smelly blankets. Sighing, she grabbed some of the old dresses and tunics and went downstairs, only to find Don with nothing but a piece of dried bun in his hand. The villagers really made sure that nothing was left.

Don shrugged and smiled sheepishly, "It's better than nothing, right?"

She managed a wan smile; "Come on, let's rendezvous with the others,"

But just as they were about to step out of the house, something sharp flew past her ear and hit the side of the door. Goldhair quickly turned, seeing Don on his knees with blood sprouting out from the arrow in his throat. Cursing, she snatched the bun from his hand and hurried back to where the others gathered, trapped between four bandits.

Berthold drew his sword and swung at them in full, causing the bandits to back away from his swing. As he did this, Goldhair took the opportunity to stab at one of the bandits, who was unaware of her presence from behind, and quickly got to Berthold's side.

"Why, all we want is food, missy," said one of the bandits, inching closer to grab the bun from her hand, "We're nothing but poor hungry folks, so give us some, eh?"

Goldhair was half planning to throw the dried bun away, but before she could do it, Auld and Grenn stepped in front of them and attacked the bandits head on.

"Your Highness!" cried Grenn, "We'll hold them off!"

Auld managed to land a clumsy blow on one of the bandits, "Avalantiaaaaa!!"

She looked at them in amazement; not too long ago, Auld, Grenn, and Don were mere peasants with no experience with a sword. Of course, three lessons in swordplay with Berthold was not enough to make them efficient fighters. But they had no choice; they were the only few able-bodied men in their group that were able pick up a sword and do a good swing with it. Now, she had already lost Don, and soon, Auld and Grenn.

Berthold placed a firm grip on her shoulder, realising what she planned to do; "We are outnumbered, Goldhair. Let's not put their sacrifice to waste,"

She turned to glare at him, her violet eyes full of hate and loathe, but within it, there was defeat too. He was right; they were outnumbered. Goldhair uttered a curse under her breath and turned away from the struggling two, running back to their camp, their current home, with Berthold following close from behind.

And once again, she vowed.

- - -

It was quite a sight to behold, she thought as she leaned on the side of her tent. Goldhair watched the children tearing the buns into very small pieces and gave them to the elderly men and women first before they munched on it themselves. Their mothers helped their children by feeding the rest with a spoonful of rabbit broth, something they managed to catch while Goldhair and the others were away. This was both a delayed lunch and a late dinner. This was how it went on for months after the fall of the kingdom of Avalantia.

One of the women offered her a bowl of rabbit broth, but Goldhair took only a spoonful of the broth and gave the rest back to the woman. She smiled; "If you are all having a spoonful, then I too will have a spoonful,"

Minutes later, Berthold returned with two young men, their newly-trained scouts, and had his fill of dinner as well. She watched him for a moment before gesturing for him to enter her tent.

Goldhair pulled the flap down over the entrance to her tent after he entered and turned to the map that was laid out on a table before them. She looked at it and noted that it was quite an old map, salvaged from an abandoned house not too long ago. It was old simply because Avalantia and the names of the rest of the kingdoms were still mentioned on each part of the continent when it is already gone by now, either destroyed by other kingdoms or 'taken' by New Erudia. In the case of New Erudia, 'taken' signified both destroyed and conquered.

"Berthold," she began as she stared at the map intently, "Today, I have lost three men in a...worthless attempt to search for food,"

He only looked at her, as though he knew what to expect from her.

She slammed her fists on the table, "THREE MEN, Berthold! Not one; THREE, ALTOGETHER!"

"Calm down, Goldha--"

"You think I should be calm? You think I should...just...sacrifice my people like that!?" Goldhair glared at him, "I am Princess Daena Avanteo, the First of Her Name, daughter to King Duval Avanteo III, ruler of Avalantia. I am a princess, and a princess is suppose to protect her people, to offer them safety!"

"And you have done so, Your Highness, for the time being," he replied, leaning on one of the poles that held up the tent, "You have accomplished more than any other princesses have ever done in times like these,"

"For what, Sir Berthold Orrey? So we can go hungry for another day and lose more men!?" she squeezed the ends of the table and stared down at the map, "We can't go on like this forever, Berthold. We...we need Avalantia, no-- a home. A home for all of us,"

Sighing, he moved to where she stood and looked down at her, "I understand your concerns, Your Highness. Like you, I too have seen the people traveling with us. I have seen their suffering," he placed a concerned hand on her tired shoulders, "But you are still young, only 20 years of age, and the fall of your homeland happened only months ago. It is natural for you to feel this way, Your Highness, but you must understand that certain things cannot be accomplished in a matter of minutes,"

She looked up at him, holding back the tears in her eyes; "I am at loss, Sir Berthold, truly, I am,"

Berthold paused for a moment, pondering on something, and then he continued; "You say we need Avalantia, no?"

Daena nodded, "Yes,"

"Then we need an army to face the rest of these forces, and a safe place where we can leave our followers in the mean time," he stood back and touched his beard thoughtfully, "Do you remember the lords? The lords who were part of the court of Avalantia?"

She wondered about this, and instantly, the memory returned; "Yes, I remember they...managed to flee before the attack began," the word 'flee' intrigued her. If they managed to get away before the castle went down with the attack, they may still be alive somewhere out there. Probably back in their homelands; "Berthold, I know what you're thinking of, but persuading the lords..."

He chuckled lightly, "And the lords claimed that they could never refuse your words. You shame me, Goldhair,"

A small smile formed on her lips at his jest, "It seems that I haven't been my optimistic self, lately," she nodded, "It is decided then,"

Berthold nodded in agreement.

"We will form an army, and we will march for the one force that took away all our hopes and dreams of Avalantia," her finger moved to a particular spot on the map, the only part of the map that still proved its authenticity,

"New Erudia,"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm really horrid at fight scenes. It's either I become too abstract with it or too straightforward.

This is actually a post in reply to a roleplay forum I joined a very long time ago. I thought it might have potential. Somewhat.

At the very least, the story is very much influenced by none other than George R.R. Martin himself. For those who find the name somewhat familiars (to readers of ASOIAF), Daena reminds you of Daenerys, does it not?

Well, technically, the names are both quite similar. But Daena herself is a character of her own (not this one that I wrote but in the actual story by Martin). She was said to be very headstrong and adventurous. A lot of...back-stories to that, but the fact that her traits were so brought about the creation of Daena Avanteo.

Similar to Daenerys's (or Dany, as others would call her), she leads the survivors away from her father's kingdom, Avalantia, in hopes that she will find a safer haven for her people after New Erudia's latest expansion plan that involved Avalantia in the process of it.

She has siblings, yes. In fact, she had four brothers. Three died protecting the kingdom from New Erudia. The other one, Daena's eldest brother, Daeren, was believed to have drowned at sea. But Daena refused to believe that, instead, choosing to believe that her brother was still alive; missing, but alive.

You would think he'd come running to save his family, but no, he didn't.

And I suppose it's also one way for me to test the human limit through this one. How much stress can one person endure before they break completely?

Then again, this story is one of the many stories I've put on hold. My current focus is on an old one, one that I've been wanting to finish all these while.

You see, it all began with this abandoned temple...

who are you? a look and a smile

2010-04-23T13:05:00.002+08:00

Understanding people has been one of my many predicaments.

It simply doesn't stop at listening and understanding their lives through their speech and what they talk of. It is more than that.

I have come to realise that in order to know them is to become them.

Like acting, in order to know the character, you have to become the character and live through his/her life. The same can be said for trying to understand people...nay, rather--humans.

I look at the person who was to be my twin brother in the play and I often wondered about his nature. My director has told me countless of times to spend more time with him so we could bond together as actual siblings; in this case, identical twins.

Yet, even in the times we meet (previously), I could sense a huge barrier that separates us. Although it is true that each humans live in their own world, there is a probability that a mutual bond can be forged between those worlds. No matter how small it was, it is there. Hence, this is the reason why I was able to mingle well with my fellow cast members.

But him...

...he is rather peculiar.

It felt very different with him than with the others.

Please, do not misunderstand me. I have mingled with the others in private, one-on-one sessions, and they all proved to be fine. That fine line of awkwardness remains, but it is fading as time goes by.

Yet I do not sense this from him.

He always seemed as though he has something more to say in his long pauses. Often, I assume that he was finding the right words to say it. Yet, as time went by, I began to realise that it was more than just that. At least, according to my observation, it was.

Was it because of me and how blunt I am towards him?

Was it because of his girlfriend?

Was it something about him that he never tells anyone at all?

Then I searched for my answers elsewhere; I went to his blog. There, I...somewhat saw a partial of the answers I was looking for.

My eyes caught sight of his girlfriend and how close they are, how he often takes her pictures and comments on how much he loves her. Made me chuckle a little; it reminded me of myself a long time ago. Perhaps a little of me now, perhaps.

But if anything, I could use this piece of information to my advantage.

If he doesn't talk, perhaps his lady might.

oh the sweet sugar saves me, it's the room that confines me

2010-04-10T13:16:00.005+08:00

It would seem that the world does revolve around money.

Why, of course it does. We're so concerned about showing our wealth to people and adding price tags to it to show how exclusive they are, how we're above them.

Because society requires us so.

Because hard work can't be paid off without money, the same money attached to the above definition.

Money, money, money. How I loathe it.

Today, I was made aware on our lack of funds.

It would seem that my attempts to be sociable to my extended family yesterday turned out to be an utter failure. Again. I swear, if it's not me, then it's probably something that's been trying to get back at me from...god knows where/when.

Oh, of course, it made them laugh. But it would seem that I made a fool of my father in front of them when I talked about the condition of poor Ms. Dorothy (my Kancil) to them all, and how my dad (stepfather, in case you didn't know) told me countless of times to sell this car to buy a new one. Heh, I guess I'm lucky enough to know that it's just in front of them, and not in front of a whole crowd of strangers.

So my mom talked to me about it,

"How could you embarrass your father in front of them?"

I was shocked. I didn't know it went THAT way.

"Do you know that I'm paying for everything right now?"

"Yes,"

"Then why did you say that to them?"

Silence. I was still confused.

"Your father has no money, okay? Zero. The house, the cars, your education, your father's debts; I'm paying all of it,"

Well, if my loan gave me the extra 1000 needed to complete my fees, I wouldn't come whining to any of you. I'm still paying the bulk of it anyway.

But I know where this was going.

"Maybe if your parents didn't lavish so much back then, they would probably have enough money to settle your problems now,"

Again with that excuse.

"That's why it's even difficult to just get that extra 1000 you need for your fees. Your father can't even afford your sister's school fees, what more, yours,"

Guess I'll be paying that extra 2k myself when the semester ends.

2k, you're wondering? Well, I didn't pay enough for my last semester, and the balance was carried forward to my current semester. With the money from the loan, I cleared that bit, and paid a bit for my current semester.

I don't think it's something they have to know. We're already in a big mess, why add more, eh?

But that last bit there, I didn't know it was so.

"Don't do that again,"

"Yes,"

"Apologize to your father later,"

"Yes,"

Grit and bear, grit and bear, grit and bear, grit and bear.

...I...I don't know how to express this without sounding like a whining bitch, but when your emotions get tossed around like a piece of shit, it tends to come out that way. Especially when you are required to swallow that shit, whether you want to or not.

I hate going back home.

Heck, I don't know if I could still call any of those places as home. It suffocates me and forces a blank white slate to my face with certain words that are only allowed to be uttered within the house.

I want to run. Far. Away.

I hate this place.

I want to leave as soon as I'm done. And I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.

I'm sick and tired of putting that same face I do.

I hate it when you put the fucking blame on my parents for your fucking stress.

I want to go for rehearsals. More rehearsals. The more, the better.

Come quickly, Viola, please.

but, let me tell you, something is wrong

2010-04-03T15:51:00.003+08:00

If I'm losing readership at this point, then it's better that way. A blog, in the end, is still a diary of sorts. It doesn't matter who reads it, so long as you know that it's out there and that people are reading it.

I am at a crisis, you see.

Right now, I just need. Someone. To listen. Anyone, for that matter, because if this goes on, I don't know what will happen to me.

...*chuckles* Who am I kidding? Nobody, in this time of the day and age, would read something this bloody long about someone else of least importance to them, right?

Nevertheless...

Let me tell you my story.

This year is my final year of my degree. I made a promise to myself to perform better this year, for my sake, and my future. Since I met William, I felt like I had more purpose in life than I had ever before, that my life actually held some sort of meaning to it. I am still working at the tuition centre, still teaching English to the children there, and I planned to make an actual career from it. I am still with William, and I hope that in 2 years time, we will be wedded.

And to add more to my optimistic state, I decided to go out with a bang by putting myself out there during the audition for Twelfth Night at my college. Lo and behold, my first audition ever landed me as the female lead role, Viola. I was elated. Very much. And another promise was made to myself; I wanted to give my very best for this role, the play, and the ensemble, who have now become more than friends to me. They are my family.

The future seems bright.

The path was laid there before me; all I had to do is to walk on it and reach the end with all the worldly-knowledge I've gained throughout that walk.

Yet, what walk is complete without its complications?

To be honest, I don't know where or how it started. All I know is that I'm in it...for god knows how long. Exhaustion has been taking over me for the past couple of weeks. It could probably be from assignments, or campus, or rehearsals, or something. I don't know.

Then I realised that I wasn't just exhaustion. I feel as though...something, or someone is taking over me.

Time after time, rehearsal after rehearsal, I was told by my director to become Viola, the character that I am playing. And every time he says that, I try. I look for her. I searched for her. I called out to her.

She is there, she is in me.

We understand each other. We could feel each others' feeling, especially that lonely feeling that we both experience. While she did in the play, I did in real life.

The one person she could rely on was Sebastian. The one person I could rely on is William.

In my mind, Sebastian was the only person Viola could talk to, and be herself. He knew all her secrets, all her desires, dreams, pains. He was her confidant, more so than any of her family member. Then again, Sebastian later became her only family member after their father passed on. That further emphasised on how important Sebastian was to her.

As for me, I don't confide in anyone as often as I do with William. He is family to me; emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and soon, physically.

But along the way, Viola lost her brother. Whether he died, she knew not. All she could do now is grit and bear it, put on a mask, don a disguise, and go out into the world as Cesario.

And, as much as I know that I have my love with me all the time, but every time we part, I was as lost as Viola was. 'Grit and bear' was all that I lived on until he wakes up and talks to me again. As small as this separation may be, it is...the same feeling. It is still separation.

While we both continue to grit and bear that thought of being alone, we then realise that we have no one to turn to. No one to hear our thoughts.

Of course there are people, but do they hear us? Do they even bother to listen and not just hear us?

Yet, even if they do listen, would they even understand why it makes us feel this way?

Perhaps they can't see it. Perhaps it's because we can't, nay--don't know how to show it. Because we've always been revealing this side of ours to that one person. And now that that person is gone, we become lost, stragglers. Yet we can't get that side of ours out when people wonder about our welfare, about how we feel, and why we don't talk to them even though they offered to lend their ears to us.

But this is where the line is drawn between Viola and myself;

The monologue, to Viola, is a self-confession to no one. She was only talking to herself, talking to her mind. Hence, she is given the freedom to release herself that way.

I, on the other hand, am suppose to express the same feeling she felt to the audience. I am to convince them that I feel this way. I, who feels the same was as Viola, am to tell the audience the way I would talk to myself in private.

That is, by far, my biggest challenge, and the one thing that has been occupying my mind since our blocking (rehearsing by scenes from the script) got to that point. And all these while, I've been laden with that melancholic feeling that it began to exhaust all the optimism in me.

It's affecting my work, my...life at home and college too, I guess.

In my attempt to search for Viola, I let her take over me.

Maybe this is that moment that my director told me about.

...I have to untangle myself from this.

Somehow.

step off my flower bed

2010-02-18T18:24:00.002+08:00

3 women caned for having illicit sex.

Well, those three ain't so lucky.

Goddamnit, Malaysia.

my heart's skipping, skipping, and I don't know why

2010-02-16T15:46:00.002+08:00

I broke my cake.

are we humans, or are we dancers

2010-02-14T14:44:00.002+08:00

My resolve is unfathomable.

She stared in awe at the sight before her. It, no-- She was beautiful.

My mind is stronger.

If there were words to describe such a phenomenon, she would have used them right now. Yet, such words were not in existence as of yet. She had to resort to the one phrase that was the closest she could use to paint this view into words; out of this world.

I am you, and you are Me.

- - -

Fellow readers, I am glad you have come.

You could probably be of help to fight the nervous feeling I feel in me now. I hope. Maybe.

So I recently attended a discussion on the existence of God, but to my dismay, I was able to predict it before it even started. The title "Does God exists through modern science?", if spoken through Islam and its Holy Quran, has an obvious answer to it. One that many of us already know of, particularly me as I am constantly exposed to such things from my pious mother.

Yet, I attended it, in hopes that the speaker would be able to answer my questions, my dilemmas. Yes, all these while, I chose to stay in my little bubble of "Allie's Laws of the World" and continuously speculate and assume the events of the world. Among the many laws in the little bubble were:

(1) God is a concept. The one who created us is the Creator.
(2) Yes, He just created us and left us here.
(3) Humans already have a sliver of the power of 'creation', and that is called 'faith'.
(4) Of course we can't create things out of thin air. But we create opportunities, chances, situations, events, and many more.
(5) Religion is created as a way to worship and give thanks to the Creator.
(6) God is born from Religion and it is personalised by many humans.
(7) That fact where humans create their Gods? That is true.
(8) Natural selection. Murphy's Law. They rule us when we do nothing. We rule them when we do something. Hence, faith.
(9) Every bad and good thing happens to everyone, regardless of race, religion, region, deformity, etc.
(10) Why did the Creator create us? I couldn't care less. We're already here.

And the there is this theory which I lovingly dubbed it as the 'Eternal Cycle' theory. Heard of that musical game some people play? The one called "There's A Hole In the Bottom of the Sea"? It's precisely that.

For those not familiar with that musical game, allow me to explain further. The 'Eternal Cycle' theory is a little something I created in my many travels and speculating. It's basically just this; we are all figments of someone's mind. That someone is the one who created us. He/She only thought of us, and there we were. The being only added 'logical-like' explanations for the many events that occurred in the world. Now here's where the term 'Eternal Cycle' makes more sense:

that being is also a figment of someone else's mind.

And the next.

And the next.

Et cetera.

It's crazy and skewed, but certainly better than some alien mofo from Scientology.

If anything, I wish to share my thoughts and views with the speaker soon. Maybe.

- - -

She was no longer the miserable, humiliated being that was with her for the longest time.

She is new.

She is stronger.

The young woman watched in awe at the sight of the beautiful lady seated on a floating throne. One look upon her and one could only say 'silver' or 'white'.

Her dark hair, long and shimmering with the little silver trinkets adorning it. Her crown was high and majestic like the mighty Queen she was. She was no longer a many-faced being, instead, there is only one. Proud, confident, and just; the three traits that made the expression on the lady's face. A white robe was garbed around her, with a woolen gray mantle around her shoulders.

In one hand, she carried a scepter.

On the other, a sword.

I am Asherah.

I am you.

"And you are Me," she replied.

there's a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt

2010-01-12T16:40:00.004+08:00

So here's a slice of real life coming from yours truly:

One:
I'm currently juggling two jobs (one which I have been slightly neglecting...I should get back to work on that. Fast); my tutor job and a part-time at my aunt's science journal in Universiti Malaya. And I do hope to keep these two jobs to keep the money coming, at least till William returns to continue his study here. At the very least, I would be able to help him until he's able to help in return.

Two:
I find myself missing college. A lot. Not just the food, but going there to study and doing assignments. I miss them all. And I miss seeing my friends there. I miss hanging out with them.

Three:
At the same time, I can't wait to graduate from this course, get a job, and support William.

Four:
Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) is my current fad and obsession since my PS2 started scratching my lovely games. I would go to Pyramid every week to practice 3 games, and then leave.

Five:
Paranormal Activity haunts my nights. Even zombies could not beat this. I don't know why, and I do not like it.

Six:
I am half-considering going back to Role-Playing online again. Last time I did, the idiots were...well, idiots. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't.

Seven:
Will is not going to have Internet for a while. I'm currently planning my budgets and keeping a good eye on my phone bill. Not to mention, the previous editor of the science journal told me that she was not paid 3 months in a row. That's the reason why she quit and why I got the job. It is worrying. I hope my classes are enough to support me if that were to happen.

Eight:
I like U.M. It has such a nice atmosphere to it, compared to the likes of UiTM. I hope William will enjoy his time studying there and taking part in their activities. Give him the undergraduate student life he deserves, you know? I'll see to it that everything goes well. I swear.

Nine:
Pirate Bay, you will be sorely missed.

Ten:
I have improved in my studies, and I will continue to improve. You won't see me coming, 2010, till I strike!

- - -

The day moved slowly, he realised, perhaps a bit too slow for his liking. He wanted it to go, follow its usual, speedy pace and run. Just keep it moving, as long as this day ended as soon as possible.

But the rain was hard and bitter. It slowed him down, it slowed everyone else down. He found himself hesitating to leave the room, insisting that he should stay and continue on what was left of his paperworks. There were reports to be made, losses to be calculated, amendments to lessen the damage that was already done to this place from the recent war; he was in charge of all these, and he wanted to do it, just to take his mind off it.

There was a knock on his door; "Lord Silverberg," said a solemn voice from behind it, "It is time,"

Yet, as much as he wanted to avoid it, he had to put it all to a hold.

He hated farewells.

"I'm not certain of your rituals here," he replied, taking nothing but his sword that was strapped around his waist as he opened the door, "Where do you conduct the ceremony?"

"By the shores of Gibrantar, where the mighty kings journey beyond the sea,"

- - -

For the first time ever, Gibrantar stood in silence as it watched its king being carried by its loyal knights down the path towards the shores. These men were the men closest to His Majesty back in the days. They were the ones that were true to him till the end of his days.

Not him, no. He was a betrayer.

The kingdoms before Gibrantar were all taken by the Harmonian forces, thanks to his work on digging every bit of information there is about the kingdoms. After all, Harmonia has always been interested to expand their territories and economy. It was the only method he was left to do to clear his name from his crimes and from being exiled.

Yet, something about him changed when he was here in Gibrantar, the last kingdom at the very south of the continent. Till now, he continued to wonder what it was that made him change his views and motives.

Then he looked at the mighty king that once ruled this place, lying peacefully in his coffin. Perhaps that was what changed him; the man himself.

Never has he seen a man so true and honest until he met him. Perplexed would be the best word to describe his initial feelings towards this man. But it soon grew to something he never thought he would feel again; respect and honour.

"His Royal Majesty, King Andovan II..."

The words went on, but he paid no attention to them.

Surrounding the king's coffin were loyal men, true to his cause. They pledged their sword to this man, and silently begged for forgiveness for their failure to protect their king.

Not too far off from the circle of men was Her Highness, Queen Clarisse. She stood tall and proud at the sight of her beloved's passing, yet none could truly fathom the sorrow that muddled her thoughts and dulled her senses. Standing next to the proud queen was the king's young son, Horace. Still a child of seven years, yet he understood the scene shown before him.

The others stood behind him, each murmuring a different prayer for the fallen king.

Yet, when it came to him, there was nothing. He had no prayers, he had no tears, and he had no remorse or any guilt that loomed in his heart like the others. Albert was empty, devoid of feelings and the rational thoughts that made him a renown tactician.

Like the queen herself, he too was numb.

Words were exchanged, prayers were left, and soon, the funeral ended with a mighty push into the sea.

One by one, the people left the shore and returned to their homes. The knights gave their final salute to their king before retreating into the castle.

Soon, it was just the queen, Horace, and himself standing at the shores of Gibrantar.

"Lord Silverberg," she started, her eyes fixed upon the sight of her husband drifting further into the sea, "My husband spoke a great many things of you,"

Albert managed a small smile, "He was a great king. I only gave my very best,"

Queen Clarisse turned to look at him, "You protected us, and you were there when he needed you most,"

"Except for that time,"

And then there was silence. Again. He cursed himself for his own stupidity.

Yet, the queen continued, "He knew his time was coming, Lord Silverberg," she said, "As much as I tried to deny it, I knew it too,"

He only watched her. There was nothing else he could say.

She approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "'I trust Albert more than anything. I could only hope that he would forgive me for giving him such a heavy burden to look after Horace for me'" she smiled softly, "Those were his last words to me before I learned of his death,"

Once more, he said nothing.

"Ponder on it, Lord Silverberg," she turned to walk back to the castle with Horace in her hand, "And I will see you at the castle,"

At her departure, he turned to the shores and watched as the last remaining sight of the mighty King Andovan disappeared into the darkening horizon. It was a sight to behold, he thought, with the sun sinking into dusk, carrying the king along with it. Another day ends, another life gone.

He went closer to the shores and stared at the Harmonian emblem engraved on his silver ring. In his mind, he remembered the many troubles he went through to return to Harmonia, his homeland. Yet, all that seemed to have disappeared, and the silver ring eventually lost its meaning.

Silently, he took it off his finger and in a single swing, he threw it into the waters.

"May you forgive me as well for the things I might have done to you, Andovan," he spoke.

With that, he turned and left the shores of Gibrantar.

and I have no concept of time other than it is flying

2010-01-01T12:32:00.004+08:00

So the day has finally arrived; the dawn of 2010 (or rather, the noon of the first 2010). I know I forgot to put up my resolutions for last year, but this year, on this very day, I will.

It won't be just mine; it'd be everyone's resolutions in my head.

Aaaaaaaand let us start with the first and eldest in the family, Ayana!

AYANA'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Hm, if all goes well, then I can finally clean up the House once and for all. I will make it a goal to send everyone back to their respective worlds and when that is all done, I'll go back to Fukami-sensei's side. I wish to end our stories one day, for Alissa's sake.

...R-Resolution indeed.

Ayana: It is my task as the last Kaiser in the House, na? =]

I suppose I did assign you for the job. Funny how you're the first to come to me and the last to be the Kaiser, and the opposite goes for Akiko, being the last to come and the first as Kaiser.

Ayana: Hitsuzen, Alissa. It is sealed in fate. =]

Mm, yes. Quite. Thank you, Ayana!

Ayana: ^_^

And next in the list, Rin!

RIN'S 2010 RESOLUTION
...*sighs* I suppose I'll confess it here and now.

I will make it a point in time to throw the empire into total chaos, or to find a suitable replacement for Emperor Yazuri to take over her empire. Once that is done, I will take her hand in marriage, as I should have done many years ago.

B-but...what about what Yazuri would think?

Rin: She is tired. This is not what she was groomed to be.

What makes you think you know what's best for her?

Rin: I know this. Without a doubt.

...hope that works well for you, Rin. o.o

Aaaaaand next, we have Emperor Yazuri herself!

YAZURI'S 2010 RESOLUTION
This time, I will not let my emotions get the better of me. If I am to stand alone in the matters of my empire, then I will do so.

What about YOUR own resolution for YOURSELF?

Yazuri: ...I...c-cannot.

=\

Yazuri: I'm sorry.

...okay. Let's hope she gets better resolutions as the days pass by. And next, we have mah homie, Ryu!

RYU'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Hell yes! Next year's my graduation year, so I'll work mighty hard for this year. And I'll continue to support Asuka and myself without Nobu's help. Also...um, well...

Yesssss?

Ryu: If all goes well, we'll marry in December. =]

Damn, Ryu! XD You're...dude, you're only 22.

Ryu: BEST TIME TA GET ME A WAIFUU. 8D Besides, I plan to do looots of things with her too. Maybe travel or something. Just work harder, and such, before we settle down and start a family together.

I'm glad to hear that. =]

Ryu: Hey, if things go well between you and Conrad, you'll be on par with mua~

Definitely! ^^

Next in line is my silent, watchful, yet, pessimistic comrade, Saaya!

SAAYA'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Keeping you out of trouble, Alissa, as always.

...That's it?

Saaya: Your problems and shenanigans are noteworthy.

How nice of you. ._.

Saaya: That's why I'm around to keep watch on you.

Ryu: And me to keep you in high spirits! =D

Mm! ^^

Next, we have Mr Sage of Pessimism, Fukami!

FUKAMI'S 2010 RESOLUTION
You could have made that title a little grander, Alissa. And I'm not that pessimistic, my dear. Rather, I'd say I'm quite the daredevil.

In any case, my resolution, eh? Hm, since my dear Ayana's cleaning the House now, I'm pretty sure my library would be gone by then. I suppose I could hole myself up in my tower and conduct more research. Ah, and try to get my two council members to agree to one another, perhaps signing a peace treaty so it'll spare me the many migraines.

I swear, these buffoons are too straight.

And you're not?

Fukami: Why, of course I'm not, dear. You've seen my times with my assistant, Asgard, no?

...I didn't think you meant it that way. o.o

Fukami: *chuckles* That's one of the minor details. I meant in terms of perspectives. Call it empathy, if you'd will.

Politic stuff. Good luck with that. o_o

Fukami: And to study your fiance, of course.

VAT.

Fukami: Exactly.

>_>

Fukami: Run along now, my dear. I have other matters to attend to. ;]

Of course he would run off like that. In any case, let's welcome our next interviewee, Asgard!

ASGARD'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Ahaha, you found my hiding spot. Resolution? No, none whatsoever. Maybe find a world where I can reside in till everything ends. =]

Rather...peaceful. o_o

Asgard: *laughs* I am disappearing too, Alissa. I'll probably go next.

I'm sorry. ._.

Asgard: Don't be. The times we all spent together have been very memorable to me. I only wish that we were more than what we are to you now.

Tell me about it. =/

Asgard:*smiles* Perhaps once, we were as real to you as the people around you. That time is long gone now, at least for me.

Don't...say it like that. ._.

Asgard: Don't worry. =]

*sigh* M-moving on!

ALBEL'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Heh, resolution, eh? I'll give you one. *stabs his katana deep into the ground and shoves it down even deeper with his leg*

I'm getting my own dragon. I'll burn all of my enemies and rule as king.

o_o Umm...

Albel: You heard me.

Y-yea. B-But why?

Albel: Walter's dead. The king's brat's on the throne. It's a mess again, and they're all idiots to put that spoiled twat there.

But I thought you already had a dragon?

Albel: The dragon units at my service after Vox's death, not my own dragon.

...O-okay.

Albel: You stay out of my way, and I won't hurt you.

O-of course! Yes!

Albel: And tell that brat Ryu I said hi.

Okay. o_o

...ANYWAY!

ALBERT'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Quit my job.

WHAT!?

Albert: Exactly.

But you're good at it.

Albert: I'll put my expertise to other use, such as accountancy. And town planning.

...but...you just...how the...

Albert: Strategy is not limited to just wars alone. Surely you, of all people, should know of this.

Yes, but still...wait, does that mean Harmonia's campaign is over?

Albert: Auxiliary units are being sent to Harmonia now while the rest of their army marches here. Yes, it will be over very soon.

Wow. o.o

Albert: I seek a peaceful life. And I seem to find it very peaceful here.

Mmhmm.

Albert: Hence, resigning once that's done.

All the best with that, Albert. =]

Albert: And to you with your engagement, Alissa.

=D

- - -

It started with 13. 4 went ahead, and now I'm left with 9 (soon to be 8).

These are my imaginary friends, whom I still talk to every now and then. They were my playmates back when I was 14. I wasn't much of a talkative person to people, and...well, not to say I wasn't friendly, but I was very much into doing things on my own.

Solitude was my constant companion, not because I couldn't find anyone to be friends with but rather, it was something I chose. I have friends, many friends, but I keep my distance from them and chose to create a little world of my own in my head.

Most of my inspirations for my stories came from the little adventures my friends and I went through in there. And the world acts as a retreat from the mundane life I go through in school, among many other things.

My playmates were, at first, simple beings, made to cater for my own interests and such. But then I begin to develop their personalities, adding more and more details into their stories. Some grew to be pretty strong in existence, while others dwindled and died off after a while.

Those that did grow strong, grew even stronger, up to the point where I begin to question my own identity. Who was Alissa? Is Alissa all of them, or is one of them her? Or are they just creations made in the likeness of her, as God made us humans in his very image?

At this point, the stories became more and more convoluted as I tried to mimic its likeness to the world I live in. My creations began to question their existence, their purpose, and their Creator. Some revolted, thinking that if they destroyed me, their Creator, they would then achieve freedom from me and find true existence beyond me.

At the same time, in real life, I was experiencing the same problem every teenager does; identity crisis. We go through many odd journeys to find who we are, because at that time, we were just oddballs, belonging neither here nor there.

I came to a conclusion; the world in my mind mirrors the world here. It was no longer a haven, a sanctuary for me to retreat into, but rather, a responsibility I placed upon myself. It was crazy, I know, but I felt the need to put things together properly. You know, like tying a proper knot to close the deal.

So I redefined my role once more in the world; I acknowledge my role as the Creator, but I left it just there. I only create, but their lives are their own. And I would walk among them as any mortal would.

The one to control the balance of the many worlds in my head was the Kaiser. Akiko, my aspirations in human form, was the first Kaiser. The rest of the family mentioned above were residents of The House, a home placed in the nexus of all worlds surrounding it.

And at the same time, I also redefined myself and my identity. I found myself.

With that, I stepped into adulthood easily. At first, of course.

But as for the continuation of that story, well, I suppose most of you know what happened from there onwards till today.

So, coming back to my 2010 resolution...

I will work hard for my final year.

I will be more diligent in my jobs.

I will be more attentive to my students and to my studies.

I will NOT procrastinate.

I will earn plenty, enough to offer William financial aid when he comes back to study.

I will not be swayed, ever again.

And I swear upon the ring on my finger, upon my soul, and my life, that I will make things right when they start to go wrong.

That's it for now. Happy new year, everyone! =D

the farthest land

2009-12-30T18:25:00.004+08:00

Love.

The first thing that comes to mind when you think about it are warm feelings, the kind of feelings that make you feel safe and secured at all times. It makes you happy, lustful, and it's a place where you can cling to for support. Heh, it can even make you do things you would never do before, like...risking your own life for the other.

Sure, that's human, but that act was driven by the very thing called 'love'. This feeling can be both a good thing, and a bad thing, of course. It can turn into an obsession, a curse, a change in life, a recipe for disaster, a monster. But when it all comes down to it, 'love' is just a feeling and these good and bad definitions we have for it are merely the machinations of the mind.

Some would agree, others would deny this fact.

But that is as far as I know about this strange feeling called 'love' because when I look at her, I see new meanings, new definitions, new...new everything.

Ah, no, don't get me wrong here. I am only her travel companion, someone she wanted as company on her travels. Her mind is elsewhere, and her heart drifts in the wind; I was nowhere in there. But to be honest, I never wanted to. My heart longs for the fiancee I left back at home, but for some strange reason, I ended up in her company.

Who is she, you ask? Well, that's what I have been trying to find out all these years. You see, she never really gave me a name or any clue about her identity. It was a difficult task when we first travelled together; I was unable to call her by anything.

"Lady, don't you have a name that I can use to call you?" I asked, a long time ago.

But she only smiled and shook her head; "You can call me just that, Mikhail,"

"Lady?"

"Yes,"

So from then onwards, I called her Lady. It suited her, I guess.

And did I tell you that she was the most beautiful woman I have ever met?

Of course, the term 'beauty' is only a perspective and as you know, different people have different perspectives of their own. But when it came to Lady, she was beautiful in every perspective, both mine and the others who see her. It was as though she...morphed herself entirely when it comes to others. Not physically, of course, but....there was something about the way she does to certain men that piques their curiosity and interest.

Let me give you an image of her; imagine a slim young woman, probably around the age of 18 to 20. Imagine long raven-black hair that reached down to her waist, wavy and bouncy. Imagine a pair of bright brown eyes that seemed to shimmer like gold. Imagine a slightly tanned, smooth skin covered in cloths of deep blue and pale yellow. Imagine perfection when it came to her limbs. Imagine that. Don't get me started with her nudes.

But even with her beauty, I was never aroused by it. Amazed, yes, but not aroused or interested. Like I have said before, it was as though she chooses when to do those to others.

And of course, a woman with her beauty has a line of both suitors and lovers behind her. But Lady never accepts their hand. Entirely. She takes their hand in matrimony, in an oath of undying love; and then she would disappear. Like the wind, she leaves as quickly as she would come.

Was she in great sorrow when she does that, you ask?

Honestly, even I fail to find the answers myself. Let's not start with my endless pondering on her decision to do so, though I have asked her before. But her reply was as enigmatic as the very perfection that is her to begin with.

"So you come, you give them a little something to dream of, and then you leave," I said during one of our stops, after leaving a city whose name I failed to remember, "Why do you break their hearts like that? Why do you smile when you step out of their beds and leave their humble abodes?"

Lady smiled and leaned back, "Why do dreams end when you wake up, Mikhail?"

For a moment there, I was taken aback by her question. Once more, I pondered at this, but Lady continued on.

"Why do people dream?" she stared at the fire wonderingly.

"Because it's the only place where they are given the freedom to do what they want. They can have everything there," I replied, certain of my answer, "But it's...it's not right to be that way because no one can have everything they want in the world. That is why they wake up,"

She giggled and looked at me, "So it is not right for you to desire Anna?"

What the hell did I just say? "No, no! Anna..." the image of my fiance flashed across my mind, "In time, Lady, in time. What I desire from her is something that we cannot grant each other until the day of our wedding,"

"And of poor men who dreams of riches?"

I frowned, "I am not a sage, Lady,"

"Neither am I godly enough to answer your questions with no err, Mikhail," she sighed and turned away, looking at the starlit sky above her, "I seek freedom, and I seek love. Two extreme ends of desires. I want to love, more than anything else, but I do not want to be tied down by its chains. Thus, I run far when the chains begin to form,"

I could not find the words to reply to this, so I kept my silence, waiting for her to continue.

"Selfish, I know, but....it is in my nature, I suppose," her eyes lowered to the ground, and in a soft voice, she whispered, "But I do love all of them, very much,"

Love? This is her view on love? Momentary dreams and hopes, only to be snatched away in mere seconds? I was outraged, of course, for this was not the love that I know and feel when I think of Anna! But then she looked at me with those bright brown eyes of hers piercing through mine as though she was expecting this anger in me. And my god, she smiled.

In that instance, my anger subsided, but only to be replaced by something else, something I realised at this moment. Perhaps it was an answer to the questions I posed above.

"You fear loneliness,"

Lady laughed unbelievingly, "Is that so?"

"You fear the chains, because they would later bring about lonelines. You left them because you know that one day, they would leave you. You left them because you do not have faith!"

My last word came out hard and cruel, as though I literally slapped it across her face. And it worked as I thought it would; she was sitting there, stunned by my words, and for a moment, I felt triumphant for being able to solve this puzzle, to exact justice upon this wrongdoer of love and hope, to exert the love that I have for Anna.

For the longest time, I stood there, staring at her, just waiting, no- daring her to say something.

"We are alone, Mikhail,"

I wanted to retort, but when I thought about it, I realised she meant something else. I waited for her to continue.

"We are all alone in the end," the expression on her face faded to nothing. Only a calm, pensive stare; "Faith is what keeps the dream on. People lose their faith, they wake up and start from the beginning. But to those who succeed, they would live in their dreams for as long as their faith lasts.

And then, it will be gone,"

It was so flawed, yet it rings with truth; why does it work that way? I cannot fathom it, despite her explanations, despite her words; I simply cannot...or rather, I choose not to. But to choose such a choice meant that I had nothing else to say in return.

"You cannot understand my thoughts, Mikhail," she added softly, "Because you have always deluded yourself with your thoughts, like most people do,"

I was at loss for words, and at that moment, I felt my very beliefs shakened by her words. My minds returned to Anna, my dearest Anna, but I could see nothing but those cruel possibilities that tainted the very image of my fiancee itself. Separation, anger, sorrow, disappointment, distrust, loneliness; I would have mentioned more if it were not for the depression that finally got to me.

You haven't seen the things that I've seen and felt throughout my life's journey.

But you're stronger than I am, Mikhail.

Because you are still pure, and I am tainted by my own thoughts and actions.

Perhaps deluding yourself in this makes a man the happiest living being in this world.

Yet, I only wish you the best.

We will part ways here, my friend.

Farewell, and pray that we may never cross paths again.

When I awoke, she was gone. But I heard her whispered words as I drifted between waking up and sleeping, and I thought about it for a while.

She may be right; we are all living in a dream we strongly believe in, and that we always try to make our dreams stay the way we want to. Hence, we become selfish in our ways, that then leads to separation. Betrayal. Silence. We are weak and selfish like that.

But she is wrong about one thing.

Not all of us are dreamers forever.

I, for one, intend to make mine and Anna's dreams come true. And there is nothing she can say against that.

And so, with a triumphant smile on my face, I begin my journey back to the village. To home. To Anna.

I'm coming, Anna.

- - -

This was something I wrote a long time ago, just trying to comprehend Akiko's/Alaistar's/Lady's thoughts and feelings to her actions. She...how do I put it, well, she is very, VERY emo when it comes to issues like this.

Well, that tends to happen when you live too long to see the whole scene played before you over and over again. Immortality screws you up a lot, that's why we're only given a limited lifespan.

Cherish it. And cherish every moment we spend.

It's the only thing we have left while time ticks our deaths into motion.

you know I believe, that we were meant to be

2009-12-05T21:01:00.003+08:00

Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide.

Won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next

It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all

And you can't keep us apart (even a thousand miles, can't keep us apart)
'Cause my heart is (cause my heart is) wherever you are

It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Oh no mountains too high enough, oceans too wide
'Cause together or not, our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be

It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you (like you)
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do (way we do)
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Can I have this dance
Can I have this dance

- - -

Can anyone be blamed for this?

Yes, me.

As cheesy and as corny as this may sound, I love this song.

And I love him. So. Very. Much.

when I close my eyes to this paradox place..

2009-12-04T19:18:00.001+08:00

if you'd be here, here with me tonight
i'll be fine, i'll be fine, i'll be fine...

when i am broken down and I can't stand, will you be strong enough to be my man?

2009-11-29T10:20:00.006+08:00

Oh, my dearest blog. There has been many things that I have been wanting to write here, but for the past 2 months, a lot has happened. It occupied me, took me away from you; but here I am, if not for a very short while. And it is truly ironic that today is the day I choose to update you because it won't be long until he leaves for US again.

When will he return, you ask? Well, if you ask the naive little girl in me, I would say as soon as possible. But if you ask me, with all that I was, am, and will be, I would say, "When he is ready, because I know he will come back,".

If there was one thing I realised about myself and this relationship I am in with him, it is this: completion.

Perhaps I have mentioned this many times before in the past, and perhaps this particular word has lost its true meaning after being abused for so long. And perhaps by saying all this, I am being a hypocrite to myself and to my own words and promises made long ago. But I wish not to dwell in the past; it is done and done with. I am who I am now, transformed into the person that is sitting here, typing this post.

When I am with William, I feel completion. I feel as though nothing else matters, and that the world only revolves around him and I. As selfish as that may sound, it is how it feels every time we talk, touch, laugh, kiss. I...I really cannot find the best way to describe it without making it sound like this came straight from another Virginia Henley's romance novel or those Harlequin books. This is the most honest-down-to-earth explanation I could give you; I am completely, terribly, unbelievably in love with William.

And when people say and ask,

"You're moving too fast,"

"Slow down, take your time,"

"There are still many other fishes in the sea,"

"Don't you think you're rushing this?"

"I think you need to take time and learn to know him first,"

"You HAVE to go through a big argument before knowing that he is the one for you,"

"You've only known him for a year; what makes you think you're so sure of this?"

I would smile, turn to them, and tell them this:
"What's wrong with wanting to be with someone you love?"

True, it does sound like something taken from a romance novel or after much daydreaming. But believe me when I say that I have waited for him all my life, believe me with all my heart and soul. This is the person, the one.

People may think that I have never been through a proper relationship, and that my previous one was proof enough to show that it can fail. Of course, I did not say that it would never fail on its own. But that is because I am, no- WE are going to make this work, because it is what we both want, because we do not let doubt cloud our mind and judgment, because we will triumph where others have failed.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with getting engaged early. It only means that you are both promised to each other, and not marriage. At least, not yet. There is more commitment involved, but that is fine; we both have shown our capabilities to each other. If anything, the challenge bonds us even closer than before. It is a step above the 'boyfriend-girlfriend' stage.

And when you think about it, you look at adults who marry after being engaged for only 3 months. Does that not say something?

You can say all you want, but there really is no specific guidelines that people should follow when it comes to things like these. If anything, they only contribute the rising number of divorces in the world.

True, those divorces happen mainly through lack of planning. But I would not say the same for William and I; we have many plans, speculations, plan Bs, Cs for the near future. We have done our planning (mere outlines, but clear ones, nonetheless), and we know what to do.

I love my fiance, and I will make this work. As I have promised many eons ago, I will work on this promise for real this time.

cause i love the way you say good morning

2009-10-07T12:10:00.003+08:00

Just this. =]

Sona areru ec paldeel? Sona mi areru ec sancitu?

2009-09-29T14:57:00.003+08:00

"My king..."

He was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, deep in his thoughts. The voice that spoke to him in his mind seemed far away. Too far, perhaps. Whether it was real or an illusion, he knew not. The man was in his mind, probing to the far reaches of the domain of his creation.

"My queen,"

And there she was, his lovely queen. Beautiful, nubile, and voluptuous; she was his morning and evening star. The king loved her dearly, and she to him. They were both young and foolish, but back then, those thoughts never once crossed his mind. She was his world, and he was given a mission; to crown this beautiful flower as his queen of love and beauty.

It was a difficult mission, but he was not one to give up so easily. As skillful as he was in bed with the lady, he was also an excellent tactician and speaker. Couple that with his position as the ruler, he was unstoppable. The lady stood no chance against him, nor did his assailants and protesters. In the end, he was king, and he gets what he wants.

It was a chase, a thrilling run, a stressful ordeal; all to reach that goal. And like any other man, he enjoyed challenging games very much.

"I am with child, my king," she bowed, "Your son,"

He was sure, he was so very sure that it was. The guests were invited, the christening arranged, the envoys sent to deliver the good news to the other rulers; he had them all arranged.

"A son?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow, "I am to have a son, you say?"

"An heir to your throne, beloved," she smiled, rubbing her hand over her bloated tummy, "The continuity of your legacy,"

The king rolled to the side of his bed, staring at his table filled with books. He was preparing. Yet...

There was a knock on the door. "Your Majesty," said a voice from behind it.

He looked up to the door, remembering who it was, and sighed; "Enter,"

The door opened...

"What is it?" she cried in desperation, "Please, tell me!"

Her dearest sister stood by her side, calming her down with her gentle caresses and coos. She smiled and whispered into her sister's ears of the child.

And as soon as she heard that, the queen of love and beauty fainted.

The king seemed to ignore whoever it was that entered the door. He rolled again and landed on his back, his eyes going back to the ceiling once more.

"What is it?" he demanded, stepping into the room.

The queen, in all her grace and beauty, announced it with pride; "A beautiful princess," despite her words and her demeanor, she was highly disappointed with herself.

He stared into her eyes, seeing all his hardwork and all the troubles he went through just sinking down the drain like it was all for nothing. This beautiful flower of his had conceived a princess when what he dreamed of was...

"My queen, you and I," he started slowly, swallowing the disappointment, swallowing the frustration that was about to burst forth from within him, "We are both young. There is still time," but even he doubted his own truth that he wanted to believe in.

He turned and left.

"Your Majesty," she bowed.

That was it, this was his downfall, again; he lost it.

He turned to look at a young woman, standing by his door. Smiling, he rose from his bed and approached her, scanning the woman's physique from top to bottom like a predator to its prey. She was a pretty little thing; scared, timid, and in awe of the king's presence.

Her body tensed as he moved in closer, his hands groping her small, lithe body. He touched the smoothness of her skin, letting his tongue run across it from the nape of her neck to her white shoulder. He heard her gasp, and in his grasp, he felt her shudder; she was ready.

Smirking, he moved his lips closer to her ears, breathing into it first before whispering his request to the woman; "Do you play chess, my lady?"

And there, in his arms, was his most prized possession; his queen of love and beauty. His, and his alone.

"I love you," he said to her, "You are my only one, my love, the only one I ever wanted,"

And she, his lovely queen, smiled gently in return as she caressed his cheeks, "Yours alone, my king?" apparently, she did not seem to understand his words. He had to further accentuate it to his beloved.

"Yours truly,"

- - -

Just a written adaptation from the end of episode 3 of The Tudors, season 2.

"Pasar tengelam, dik. Lembu cuma seekor,"

2009-09-23T17:46:00.005+08:00

Probably my favourite Hari Raya ad from her. And I miss her for making such great ads.

A belated Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my readers!

R.I.P Yasmin Ahmad. We miss you.

where pleasure moments hung before the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

2009-09-15T14:41:00.002+08:00

This girl was a very cheerful girl, and she never lets anything get her down. Because if that really happens, then she's in for a big one. Of course, she was somewhat spoiled and her parents would go and comfort her should she throw a tantrum.

She was 9 when she started noticing.

9 years of complete attention from parents. Why, she was one of the happiest kids around. And in school, she would go through great lengths to please others, just so she could be accepted by her peers and become friends with them. She didn't mind making herself look like a fool to them; to her, she was making them happy. Laugh. And in return, she receives the same attention that she gets from her parents.

But when things went awry somewhere down the road, she found herself terribly confused. At night, she would hear loud voices coming from outside the door of her room. Someone would force her out of bed so she could sit there, by the door, and listen to those voices. When day came, things changed; her mother and father were gone. But when night came, only her father returned.

He no longer sleeps in the bedroom with her mother, and instead, sleeps in the guestroom. From time to time, she would join him as well, not worrying in the least bit that these two would later go their separate ways. But there was still much confusion in the air. Rumours of separation floated about, worrying her, scaring her. She did not want them to part, but what was she to do? She had no clue at all.

People told her to use brute force. But that only resulted in more loud voices.

Someone told her to use pity. But that was only answered in a series of complicating answers that made no sense to her.

She tried many things, many ways. She even planned out a scene with her sister to bring them back together, just like how it was in The Parent Trap. They were her idols, and she was bent on changing it back to normal. But movies are just as they are; Lohan too didn't have a happy ending on her end, her REAL end, that is. And the girl, she was probably seen as a nuisance for hindering them from THEIR plans.

And her sister was only 5.

So when her father moved out of the house, that was when she decided that she wouldn't care at all. In all her childish tomfoolery, she decided to let things be as it is. Relationships, friendships; they are as they are. And in the words of her mother, "people come and go". For the longest time, this was her motto. For the longest time, she told herself that she need not anyone.

For the longest time, she was alone.

She went on in life, avoiding arguments after arguments, she realised a lot of things. Someone told her that they went their separate ways long before she realised it. Another person told her that she was selfish. Others thought she was crazy. If anything, it made her sink in deeper into that comfortable shell of hers, ignoring the world around her as she did so.

That shell was comfortable, but it was very lonely.

But as she grew up, she realised that there were people who were there for her. There were people who still worry, who still care, who still loves, who still stayed. And yes, she treasured them, cherished their very existence, and loved them whole-heartedly. But then, her mother's words returned, and she stopped. She was doubtful.

A thoughtful voice spoke up from within her; "They come and they go because there's something missing; effort," said the voice, "Your mother said that because she gave up, in the most grown-up way possible, with flowers and complicating arrangement of posies here and about.

She gave up, but would you?"

It struck her right in the face that all these while, her mother had been wrong. But what would she do? If there was nothing for her to hold on to, what else is there?

"You are you, and this life is yours,"

The girl realised something; like how a lioness would leave her cubs after a certain age, her parents would do that too. But those cubs, they were sent out there, equipped with nothing but their mother's lessons. The rest is entirely up to them to live their lives through the savannah. Like those cubs, she was one too.

"It is time you create something in which you can hold on to. It is time for you stand on your own,"

She was reborned into a more mature figure, into one who is both fair and just, into one who is both humble and wise, into one who is both determined and mindful. The girl grew, and decided she was ready for the world.

Out she burst forth from the shell, and in one swift move, she plunged herself into the world.

But because she was a late bloomer, there were many, many things that she faced that forced her to the verge of insanity. Yet, she prevailed. Day after day, bearing scars after scars, and this time, she was not alone. She had comrades with her, people she could trust, people she loved.

The girl was not alone.

- - -

I realised that I have been staring into the computer screen a lot these days. This I noticed when my eyesight started to blur out when I drive on the road. As dangerous as it may seem, I just can't be the least bit bothered about it, simply because I have another bigger problem in me that has been there long before I had to start wearing my glasses.

Ignorance.

Sure, it helped me a lot back in those days. But really, how long can anyone even stay like this? To be honest, it's...maddening. I'm glad I got it out of my system. Well, maybe not all of it, I mean, it's good to be ignorant sometimes, but the kind of 'ignorance-stage' I went through was...hell. =/

I'm glad it's out.

PS: As for the other entry I promised...well, I'll save that for later, when the administration up here *points to head* is cleared up. Right now it's just a fuck of a mess.

reverance for the fallen trees

2009-08-25T16:21:00.002+08:00

We are in the news, it would seem.

Results show teacher died from A(H1N1)

Ah, what fame. =.=

and i'll fly, fly across the sky

2009-08-21T15:14:00.002+08:00

Normally, I would write bits and pieces of the things I have done today and tell the world of my happiness and joys. But now, it feels as though there is nothing else to write. Oh no, it's not depression I feel now. In fact, it's...joy. Pure joy.

Hm, I don't suppose I've told you much about my life nowadays, do I?

To be honest, there's...too many to tell...and there's nothing much tell. Or maybe, in other words, there's just a lot of stories to tell that I simply couldn't find the words to say or to convey these multitude of feelings in here. *chuckles* Maybe it's like what Mo said, I use too many flowery words in most of my entries. It's either that or I just write it like a merry-go-round, round and round we go till the ride stops.

But that's...that's just how it feels. And it feels like I would do it great injustice if I don't write it in such a way.

Imagine that you had just experienced the best day of your life, ever (of course, to each individual, the term 'best day' differs. So I'll leave this for you to think on). You wouldn't want to just...write an entry put it all in plain words like this:

"Today was great. I did with . Here are pictures of us doing . It's awesome. I wish my day was like this all the time."

Sure, probably other people would write it like that and show their joy through their pictures. But I, I'm no photographer. I am not well versed in the art of capturing moments in time.

But I could turn it into a prose. And it comes down to me to paint my story with many flowers and soak it all with the sweetest honey that would make even my readers turn away in disgust and loathe; and all is done according to my appropriate dosage of the day.

Selfish, is it not?

But I asked for it when I started this blog. I already know that this is how I would be writing, and I know of its little risks and troubles when I put them up for display. I know that I am acknowledging to that 'selfish' feeling I have in me. Hell, this whole entry is based entirely on 'selfish' and 'vanity'. XD

So call me pretentious, but this is the selfish side of me. And I am not ashamed of it.

In any case, let me update you with what has happened in my life so far. And yes, this contradicts my points above, but meh.

- I have a man named William. And he is a wonderful man.
- I love this man very much.
- I look forward to October. =)
- I also look forward to the fasting month (which is tomorrow. o.o)
- Semester 4 has begun! And I'm not even sure if I've paid my fees!
- I have many plans. Many, many plans.
- And I think I like Semester 4 (hope I won't regret saying that. o__o)

Aaaaaaaaaaand I will write a proper entry for William when I have the time. I promise you, that particular entry will be filled with huge amounts of fangirl-ism and love. So see this as a warning of some sort to stay away from Aufsteigende Flugel for a while. ;]

Until then, farewell, my fellow readers.

go on, have it, you're just dying to try me

2009-07-16T15:42:00.004+08:00

So there was a discussion in the LowYat forums on the H1N1 flu, and the appearance of this user named 'Perseus' pretty much stirred up a lot of things in there. Eventually, the whole discussion turned into a debate on the authenticity of Perseus's conspiracy theories.

But our man Perseus is very very bent on his point that he immediately labeled us all as 'sheeps' for not believing in him. And of course, he also blamed us who tried to 'oppose' his words for not being able to come up with a proper argument or point to counter his. The more I think about it, the more it seemed like this man/woman would not listen to anyone's words except for his own.

Sure, some of us did note his very authoritative-like tone in his posts and well, one of us pretty much told him off.

Runecian:
Perseus, my friend, are you even listening to yourself at this point? If I was actually listening to a voice I'd swear you were the kind of person that loved to her themselves talk.

I realize that your opinion is just as good as anybody elses, but you seem to be over-glorifying your own thoughts as if they were 100% factual, obviously this isn't true (read: theories). Now I admit that you've cited a lot and stated some solid info, and for that I cannot fault you, but you've really gotta get off that high horse. Remember, all opinions are valid in discussion because they are just that: opinions.

Try not to shoot so many people down just because you believe your reasoning is superior, it's not.

And Persie's reply was this:
My reasoning is superior simply for the fact that you and your ilk has provided none except dismiss dismiss dismiss without giving any proper debunking.

Therefore you have contributed nothing in this thread other than telling 'hey don't do that, you're making everyone else look stupid. We don't like that even if it's true, stop that. We have the numbers. We're right because there're more of us stupid sheeps than you smart people.'

Some dude (kuroman84) tried to butt in to support Persie~
Like i say, if u wish to debunk anyone, give the POINT!!!! What is the point? Saying without a point is a DENIAL

POINT = HUJAH. APA HUJAH ANDA???

To which I replied:
I think what Runecian meant was Perseus's argument as a whole and the way he presented it. What he's trying to say is that although Perseus's arguments are valid and such, they way he presented it made it seem like it's "Correct, correct, correct, correct, and do not question me for I am Truth itself".

He didn't say that Perseus's statement was wrong.

To which PERSIE replied:
I didn't say no one should question me.

None of them can even come up with an intelligent rebuttal other than throwing the conspiracy theory label around and in total denial, even with proper links/videos slapping them in the face.

Some people just cannot accept being proven to be in denial. They're too comfortable and deeply rooted into the false reality they call 'civilization' and 'society'.

Sometimes you need to slap people to wake them up.

I got nothing to lose whether people believe me or not because when they start dropping like flies, or dying, probably even better.

You die, I live, less competition for resources.

Happy dying for the sheeps. Survival of the fittest. The least intelligent should die first due to their ego, denial and low IQ.

Stupid people acting smart, let them enjoy their final days in ignorance, perhaps it would be better for them to die this way.

Leave the precious resources on earth for the more deserving ones.

Eugenics do have a role after all.

Which I thought was quite true and was about to agree with him until the 'sheep' came up. Of course, in all my anger and rage, I did want to post something back to this bugger, but I decided to let it lay because clearly, there is no moving from one spot to another for Persie here. Which led me to think that perhaps he has also been through a lot of these and has learned to overcome such trials by glorifying himself to make himself feel better, knowing that he is right.

If such is the case, then this man/woman is a very lonely being.

Such humans exist.

so brace yourself, I'm breaking out

2009-07-15T16:42:00.009+08:00

Hello, readers, and welcome back to "Aufsteigende Flugel"! My apologies for my long absence, but as you all know (or...at least, now you know), I am currently working part-time as both a tutor in my old tuition centre and an intern in my cousin's PR consulting office.

TODAY! Today was the event for the 20 finalists of F&N's competition! Prior to this, I had to interview the finalists and prepare news releases and such. So today, everything pretty much fell into place juuuuust nice. :3

The venue was in Sunway Pyramid, so, knowing how the traffic is over there, we all decided to come early to set things up.

The stage~

The blowing chamber on stage~

The other area (part of the competition)~

The slaves~

Mei Cher and my boss, Kak Ina~

Me.

So the competition went like this. They have 20 finalists, and well, to be fair for these 20 finalists, F&N came up with a lil' Amazing Race-like competition for these contestants.

The finalists~ (apparently, only one noticed my camera)

So they grouped together the finalists in 10s (when the emcee called out the contestants, he read out the interview notes I typed out the other night! X3)...

...gave each and everyone of 'em an envelope. When the whistle blows, they're suppose to go run to Jusco (the nearest supermarket) to find their materials in there to make their teh tariks~

See how they go! =D

And once they've collected their materials, they go to the first station to make their first teh tarik using F&N's new recipe on the three layer teh tarik...or something of the sort. I didn't take a picture of that one. o.o

The first station~

Once that's cleared, they move to their next station by the stage to complete the last task: to make the perfect teh tarik according to F&N standards.

So off they work~

And if the judges say "no" (note the red card)~

They do it again until it's done. Apparently, this guy's the last one doing, and time ran out before he could perfect his teh tarik. A shame, really, he was quite fun to interview over the phone. XD

So once that was done, the judges gather around the results and count 'em off. While that went on, we were entertained by this man who claims to be the Teh Tarik King, winning 3 Teh Tarik championships. o.o

(unfortunately, I can't seem to load my video into this one. It was one heluva funny show though. XD)

And when all is finished, it was time for the announcement of the winners! And the winner is...I'll give you a hint; it's among these people here. (and no, it's not the guy there with the mock cheque, he won the consolation price)

Still can't guess? Right, I'll lessen the numbers then~

No? Well then, I'll just--

Oh my! Someone just passed out on stage!

Yes, ladies and gentleman, this man who nearly died from shock, IS THE WINNER! =D But he only won RM 25 000 instead of RM 500 000, because you see, in order to win the 500k, he has to get into the blowing chamber and grab flying envelopes. In the many envelopes flying in there, the 500k lurks within it~

So the day ends as it is~ And tomorrow, the post-mortem report BEGINS.

old dragon, dragon Aveh

2009-06-27T14:40:00.003+08:00

Hurrah! A new post on the very day I get my pay! Excellent~

And now, I can put my full concentrations on my games, my clan, and my classes (that is, if I don't get too carried away with my games, of course).

Unfortunately, an arrival had to be postponed to...probably the end of the year.

More updates to come soon! Keep a keen eye out for pictures in the next entry this time around! Until then, my fellow readers, farewell!

My new treasure found in the bowels of YouTube. The original song for this one is from a game called Xenogears, an old game for the PS1. It had no vocals in it, just the melody.

This version, sung by lovely Kate Covington (katethegreat19), is with vocals. The instruments and the voices you hear in this version are all played by Kate herself. Lyrics are in the supposed language of Aveh, a country in the game's world.

Indulge. ;]

"why don't we do it this way? you buy me for the night, and I'll sleep with you if you want me to."

2009-06-07T16:40:00.004+08:00

Here I sit, upon this hard plastic chair, wondering if I could do what I did last night tonight. It was quite a challenge, I thought, because lying to my parents about this was probably the one of the most horrid thing I've ever done recently.

Ah, but before you get any ideas, allow me to clear that little fog in your mind:

I am home. Alone. And last night, I just spent the night here in my mother's place. Alone.

My mother and the rest of the family here went to Lumut (some place in Pahang) for a holiday, I think. So...yes, I was the only one left behind.

When you think about it, there's all sorts of things you could do when you're alone and no one really knows where you are. Heck, I was even thinking of going out to clubs or something (yes, I have the car with me too), just to experience that momentary freedom. But then I thought about my money, and the gas I'll be wasting. That stopped me.

So I ended up sitting in front of the computer, chatting away and watching the last few bits of the old Power Rangers movie on YouTube. I was scared, yes, scared that my little game here will be discovered, scared that my father might just call me and ask me where I am (I was suppose to go to his place). Oh, the little fears you get when you do something bad~ Oh, how excruciating it is, particularly for your little mind there.

But the night went on just fine.

Tonight though...I plan to do something a wee bit...naughty.

That is, if I have the guts to do so. And the money.

- - -

It will probably be on the thirtieth, due to unforeseen circumstances.

but dappled with love, can you see who you are?

2009-05-31T18:15:00.005+08:00

Perhaps it is in music where we find the truth of the words we speak, no matter how much we mean those words.

Still looking for more
Must you love another
Must you lie
Must you judge
Must you take another

When you go in the dark
One day you'll discover
That you can't understand
How to love another

i'm a dreamer, waiting for the sun

2009-05-28T11:06:00.003+08:00

The first time I saw her, it was in a music video by Jamie Scott and The Town. I saw her, and I loved her instantly. At that moment, I felt the need to know her name, and who she really was. But after years of searching (2 years, to be honest), I found nothing. Just the video. Nothing on this mysterious lady of mine.

She was a lovely young woman with hair, red as fire...and skin, pale as snow, scattered by little freckles across her face and body. She was beautiful, very beautiful. I can't tell what colour it was when I looked into her eyes. It was dark, I realised, but...calm. Inviting.

There was nothing else that I noticed. Only her hair, her eyes, and the soft whisper of her voice. It sounded raspy, like she had no voice to begin with, but...I figured it fits her.

And she was beautiful.

It was...devastating, the feeling I felt when I could not find her. So I calmed myself by finding pictures similar to her. And that's how I came to love women with flaming red hairs with pale skins. Because they looked so much like her, and it was the only thing I could do to express my love for her.

Yet, she remains unreachable to me. She was much too far away from me.

Perhaps there was a reason behind this, I thought, perhaps if I were to grasp her for real and make her mine, something terrible might happen. At least, I would like to think of it that way.

And as for pet names? Or made-up names? No. Not for her. Not for my fire-kissed queen for no names could truly capture the beauty that is her. Thus, she will remain nameless as I first saw her.

My flame-haired lady.

My ruby in diamonds.

My fire.

Jamie Scott & The Town - When Will I See Your Face Again

i don't want to push you all away

2009-04-30T11:14:00.001+08:00

Now all is revealed.

All is done. All is served.

And all that is left is a choice.

My heart speaks for both, my heart yearns for both, but my mind...it reaches out for the logic behind the two choices my heart made.

One is already there, and all it needs is a little fix here and there to make it better.

The other is still in its first phase. Many disadvantages, many...hardships, and it is almost like a descent into the unknown.

People say you should always follow what your heart truly desires. But when they said that, were they even aware of the logic behind their choices? Do they even know the consequences of doing so? Sure, it makes them happy, but what about later? They would probably end up cursing their choice and mistake, hoping that they would be able to undo that mistake.

But time is a cruel being, and when it says that it is too late, it says it with a cold, unloving voice.

I'd like to think that the heart is a naive being, one who is only capable of thinking as far as the present goes. Whereas the mind is where it is able to reach further, contemplate, and think. THINK.

With the heart and mind at war, what is the soul to do?

Lorraine

2009-04-29T11:59:00.000+08:00

I sit here on this lonely boulder, no—rock, as I watched the sun rise from your hills. And I must say; that is probably the one thing that I truly love about you, Lorraine.

It was probably the longest journey I have ever been, and on the first day I arrived here, you showed me the loveliest sunrise. Immediately, I was taken aback. You showed promise, a tinge of hope on the idea of ‘eternity’; something that never really crossed my mind during my travels. I watched the sun rise from your lovely hills on that day, and at that very moment, I thought this was ‘the’ stop, the permanent stop.

And when I first learned of your name, I thought nothing more would fit better name than that. Lorraine; it sounded like a name one would give to a lovely woman. And to me, you are that lovely being that captured my heart.

Everything seemed to fit, I thought; your name, your calm winds, your perfect curves that formed the hills I now stand on, and your beautiful visage of the morning sun. And that was when I decided.

Yes, I will stay here. Yes, I will love you, Lorraine. Yes I will cherish you.

Yes, I will make you my home.

I took up residence in one of your villages nearby the hills, Locksdale, and met your people. There were not that many people, to be honest. Most left your lands to venture elsewhere, some remained but were much too busy to notice your beauty, but they love you, nonetheless, and they were friendly. We became fast friends, but nothing beyond that, it seems. Despite our friendliness, we were still mere acquaintances.

But I had no complaints. If anything, it gave me the time to get to know you better.

I took the time to explore your forests, savouring the taste of wood in the air and sensing a tinge of ancient wisdom to it. At once, I knew you were very knowledgeable and wise. Though time has passed, your forests continue to grow and retain its history deep within the roots of its trees.

I visited your rivers and falls, tasting your sweet waters, my dearest Lorraine. Then I would venture to the hills and meadows, running through them freely with my hands feeling through their long grasses. It was almost like running a hand through your lovely hair, Lorraine.

Once a while, the villagers and I would sit together by a bonfire. We would trade stories and laughter. I soon grew closer to them, particularly with this lovely young lady who knew a lot about you. We were never meant to be, of course, she knew I was much too in love with you. She left Locksdale, eventually, and I remained here in Locksdale to understand you further.

Oh, I did so many things, Lorraine. I explored so many parts of you in those days and truly felt bliss. You were such a wonderful existence, Lorraine.

But the one thing that I truly love about you, Lorraine, is your rising sun. It was different from the ones I’ve seen during my last journeys. It was different because…it gave me something to remember, to cherish, and to truly appreciate. And for once, I could truly utter the words ‘I love you’ with feeling once more.

And I love you, Lorraine, I truly do.

The days I spent here with you were long, very very long. At one point, I actually thought about growing old and dying in your very lands, Lorraine.

But one day, while witnessing your rising sun as always, I found myself looking at your mountains. It came to me as odd because, you see, during one of my exploration, I never really noticed those mountains until that very day. Of course, I did see it from time to time, but it never really came across my mind to climb your mountains.

The villagers told me that the mountains were the borders of your land. Those who left you would have to go past those mountains and venture beyond, into the unknown lands.

That was probably another reason why I tried not to notice the mountains. I was terrified, afraid of what might lie beyond those mountains, afraid that it would change everything I have right now. I am content, and I am happy with what I have right now, Lorraine, and I did not want to lose it all by climbing that mountain and seeing what the others have seen. Most of all, I was afraid of change.

But on that day itself, I decided to explore the mountains. I was curious, and I wanted to know, no—I had to know. So I begin my trek, following the paths leading up to the top of the mountains. It was a harsh journey, I realised, and at times, I thought I might lose sight of you, Lorraine. I truly thought I would, because at that very moment, I thought I saw the worst of you, Lorraine.

Your winds, that were once calm and loving, were then cold and cruel voices that pointed the weaknesses in me. Your craggy path forced me to go along with it despite my protests and cries. And if I didn’t follow those paths of yours, I would fall or end up being lost. Every tiny detail that you forced upon me annoyed me to the point where I just felt like throwing my equipments down and just fall to my doom.

And here, I thought, where was the calm Lorraine that would caress my cheek lovingly with her gentle winds? Where was the sensual Lorraine that made love to me when I slept beneath her beautiful blanket of stars? Where was Lorraine, the Lorraine that I knew, that I wanted?

Then I realised something; the Lorraine that I knew was the Lorraine I wanted to know, the Lorraine that I dreamt of all these while. I never thought that lovely Lorraine would come with this cruel mountain.

Out of anger and disappointment, I left the mountains and returned to the village. For days, I brooded, feeling disappointed that I chose to climb the mountains. I began to compare you to the places I have been before this and pointed out the similarities you had with them.

It would all start out nice and lovely, but one fine detail of it would put it all to ruin. I would despise it, and then run off to another place, in search of a better place than the former one. This, I have noticed during my last travels, and it is happening again with you, Lorraine. It is happening again. I was about to run away again.

But then I stopped myself. I sat back and thought a lot about myself and the things in me that I thought I should change. There, I found many faults within me too. I was a coward, I was not too assertive with my choices, I was a fool, and I was a greedy man who wanted more than I could have; that and many more.

I could change that, yes, but with you, Lorraine, I could think of nothing more but your faults rather than mine. It was a despicable thought, but it was there. It remained. I cursed myself for feeling that way towards you, and brooded once more.

One day, after spending the past few days cooped up in my house, I strolled out in the morning and there I saw it; the sunrise, Lorraine’s sunrise. I fell in love with you all over again, but I was consumed with guilt for my cruel feelings towards you.

But eventually, I came to a decision.

As much as I would love to stay here, Lorraine, I know that the mountains would haunt me, and my darker feelings would consume the pure love that I have for you. It was not your fault, Lorraine; it never was your fault to begin with. I realised that the fault was within me, and I vowed to change that. But remaining here with you would not change that. If anything, it would turn me more into those cruel mountains of yours.

So, Lorraine, my dearest love, I find that I must leave you.

My reason was not only that, but also, I wish to know of the lands beyond those mountains of yours. I wish to escape this…peaceful life and plunge into the very pits of chaos itself. I want to understand the pain of leaving you, and the pain of living without your calm winds and your beautiful sunrise. I want to feel them all.

I only hope that you would be able to understand my wishes, Lorraine. It is something that I must do, in order to find myself, find the faults that I refused to face, and change. I want to have the courage to change, and I must.

So here I sit, upon this lonely rock, watching the sunrise with you for the last time.

And here I leave this note; a tearful farewell and a kiss goodbye.

I love you, my dearest Lorraine, and I would never forget you. Perhaps one day, I would return again, but that day is much too far for me to see. But I would always love you, Lorraine, and you will always be in my heart.

Farewell.

cuts like a sword in your side

2009-04-13T18:39:00.004+08:00

My mom (stepmom, for those who don't know) likes to ask me strange questions. Some of these questions made me wonder about her too. And thus, I have concluded that she is a very paranoid person.

And suspicious with her motives too.

Which made me ask this to her in return:

"Ummi," I asked when we were both the only ones at the table after dinner, "Were you a virgin when you married my father?"

She looked at me straight in the eye, paused for a moment, before telling me this; "Did you think your mother was a virgin when she married your father?"

Well, I thought, that tells me something.

don't come any closer

2009-04-13T12:00:00.003+08:00

The days I spent living in this world would probably reach up to...approximately 730 days (not counting the leap years because I'm lazy like that), and still counting. And within these days, particularly the recent ones, I've seen and knew many types of people.

And the thing about people is that they almost always continue to surprise me in...some of the most strangest ways. Normally, I would just conclude that it's how people are and how everyone's different. Just the normal generalisation of things. I would try, and try, but somehow or rather, there will always be one or two that ticks me off. And most of the time, it comes with the feeling of "fear".

Others would come out straight and say that this is just a form of sexual harassment, but I, knowing my mentality and how I process and decisions and thoughts, I would always try to find the reason behind it. In other words, my verdict when it comes to judging someone is this: innocent until proven guilty. But the problem is, you're asking me to judge someone. And when I do judge someone, I judge them entirely; I consider their past, how their past affected their behaviour of today, and that maybe, just maybe, they are not what people judge them to be.

Most of the time, this method has either failed terribly or just...well, burden me more with their problems and worry when I have my own to handle. Then again, it was my fault for offering my shoulder and my ears for them to pour out their worries and thoughts. And then I try to ease them. Sometimes, up to the point where I would be open to many dangers simply because I put complete trust in that person, and in myself, that this will make him feel better.

Either that or I just don't want to offend anyone.

I know this is a problem that I have to fix, but that thought remains; "What if this completely changes who I am? Won't I be even more...horrible that way?". My mind snaps back to who I am. To be honest, I am very comfortable with my current self and I don't want to change it, if possible. Because, you see, if I do change, I will either be on the extreme side of one stand, or on the opposite side. Both sides; extreme. And right now, I am struggling to stay in the middle.

*sighs*

In any case, I think I am being sexually harassed.

I met this man, a bus driver, whenever I go home from campus. He was a nice man, married with 5 kids, and from what I can see, he just likes to talk. So I befriended him and everytime we meet at the bus stop, we would stop to chat. We exchanged numbers in case any of us wants to talk to each other (but to be honest, it was more for him than me because...well, I thought it would only be fair. And I couldn't come up with a proper excuse to say no to him at that time)

But now that I have a car with me, I hardly take the bus now.

So one day, he texted me and we chatted for a while through our text messages. I only wanted to be friends with him (because I assume that that was what he wanted too), but I had the feeling that he wanted something more from this.

Then the next day, he texted me and asked me if he could make me his adopted child (I would like to assume that this is similar to the whole "kakak/abang angkat"/big sis/bro thing that we have). But...from the way it was said and the way he meant it...

Eitherway, I questioned his motives for this and he only told me that it was done to avoid any complications in the near future (I mean, he's married). I knew what he meant by that, but from then on...

If anything, it scares me. Terribly.

...

I'll...find a way to this.

i could do most anything to you

2009-04-03T11:17:00.003+08:00

Indeed, I could do most anything to this blog layout since I got these codes and decided to tweak it here and there. I may not know anything about HTML, but I at least know how to tweak something after much observation.

This. Is. Brilliant.

No more hunting for blogskins, no more looking out for non-navigational skin, no more hunting for blogskins to suit the mood. With this skin, I can just change the pictures and the title header whatsis whenever I want to (expect a wee bit explicit pictures from time to time, 'tis just my way of expressing my love and interest for artistic nudity or sex so do not be alarmed, my fellow readers). It only takes a few tweakings to get things running your way.

Speaking of tweaking, I remember something about our Malaysian government today. According to what I heard from Nash, Mr. Najib is coming to power...or had, this morn. Najib (our deputy prime minister) will be taking over Abdullah as Prime Minister from this day onward. My ears caught rumours that spoke of the next Mahathir in power. Will there be more fucked-up moments like how it was during Abdullah's rule? Or will there be total 'order' according to Najib's law like how it was with Mahathir? Those are just two viewpoints; what if he might just be an entirely new problem?

I am not saying that Anwar would have done a better job because seeing the things going on right now, I would assume that it will take a very long time to fix the problems in our beloved Malaysia, no matter who comes to power. At any rate, if things get worse, we may never know what horrors lie ahead in our journey towards the future.

But enough about politics. Let's talk about you, your problems, and your attempts on committing suicide.

At least that was what my friend and I figured out when we deciphered this simple song by Snow Patrol:

This one is called Somewhere a Clock is Ticking. Normally, I would avoid songs like these, but this one caught my curiosity with its odd, choppy-like lyrics and the progress of the melody. It feels heavy, like something you've been dragging with you all these while, like a thought you've been thinking of but never really did anything to it, like a guilt that clings to you, like a dreaded feeling that stalks you all your life. This song has that element to it after I listened to it.

Judging from the lyrics, the way certain lines were repeated constantly throughout the whole song, and the mood the song gives out, my friend and I concluded that this was the very thought of a person going through a suicide phase...and was finally able to free himself from this world and the chains that bind him here.

If I were to begin analysing the lyrics one by one here, I'm pretty sure you would end up clicking on another link with a shorter post in it. And with more pictures, of course. So, yes, that would probably be the end of my song-rant.

Just so you know, that music-analysing session I had with my friend was done in the midst of me completing my photo-critique assignment around...say 4:30am? I only completed my assignment by 5:30 and slept for 15 minutes before getting up to shower (I live pretty far. 5:45am is the ideal time to get up, and the most I can push). And then I just remembered that I didn't have both my lunch and my dinner yesterday. That probably explains why I feel the need to devour brains and lurch about the house like the next undead being roaming this world.

Yes. I am dead tired. And my words can be pretty incoherent at times (and maybe a little off-tuned in the head).

At this point, I really couldn't care less if my friends over in States are genuine. I just want to travel; fly from this rock, away from everyone I know here, and roam the alien streets of New York alone. If there be no bunking-in, I could try that hostel Chelly told us about. Meh.

Eitherway, I will fly.

- - - - - - -

My apologies, fellow readers, I am unable to process any gold from the many junks in my mind. I must give it time.

we hope you enjoy this journey through sound

2009-03-21T17:16:00.004+08:00

So one day, I just decided...

"Perhaps I would do Linguistics after I graduate from my current degree course,"

It simply a thought that I had in mind at first, and to be honest, I was thinking of doing that before I came across mass comm. and journalism. Sure, it probably has a lot to do on writing (perhaps not the kind of writing that I enjoy) but it has language as its main element and I would love it.

Yes, yes, I have doubts too. Knowing me, I would probably find something else more interesting than the other and would end up switching to that. But for now, as I am still studying and teaching in my former tuition centre, I would like to think that getting a Masters in Linguistics would be the most probable solution to this strange-like heartache I have in me.

Now this raises another question; I call it 'heartache'. Why, one would wonder?

Maybe it was not the right term to use, yet, I feel it that way especially when I look at my students. As you all know, I am currently tutoring Std. 2, 3, 4, Form 1, Form 5, a Reading Class, and an Adult English class. And yes, you guessed it. They're all English.

This aching feeling was born when I saw how these children are struggling to grasp the language and to gain full understanding of it. At times, I find myself teaching them past tense and present tense when they should be able to automatically detect what and how. The worst for them would probably be on constructing sentences. Even at the age of...17 (Form 5s, the highest school education level before tertiary kicks in), they are still unable to construct a proper sentence.

Those who had it good in the past would probably be sailing calmly at this level. But these children, these teenagers, these adults...they are still struggling. No, this is not the case of being stubborn about sticking to Malay and not speaking English. This, my fellow readers, is the case of inferiority, the loss of confidence, and fear of failure. After all, who in this world enjoys showing everyone their weakness?

And I find that it is my sole responsibility to teach them, to bring that friendly subject known as English back to them, to make them come out of their shells and stand up with confidence. True, I can never make the horse drink the water, but the least I could do is make them taste it and to tell its texture before completely denying it.

And I believe that I could do this by solely focusing on Linguistics, particularly English, in this matter. Nay, I shan't do TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language). I believe getting in the root of the problem and solving it from bottom to top would be the best way. Hence, Linguistics.

But.......

First and foremost, look out for...SOC MEDIA CARNIVAL '09!

COMING BACK TO YOU IN OCTOBER!

And with that, I bid thee my fondest farewells, my fellow readers.

may as well let the rain come down

2009-03-20T19:29:00.002+08:00

The room was dimly lit by a single lightbulb that hung from the ceiling. But even in that dimness, one could still note that the room was practically empty of furnitures. You would probably expect a bed or a couch, but the room was empty of it.

Save but a simple wooden chair, where a male mannequin was tied to it.

She paced back and forth in the room, thinking of the proper words to say. To be honest, she was holding back this deep anger welling up from inside her. How it came to be there, she knew, but how it got so deep, she knew not.

"Fine, FINE," the girl turned to the mannequin and grabbed it by the shoulders, glaring at it straight in the eye, "You listen here and you listen good,"

The mannequin gave no response, as expected. But she went on.

"I...I've been keeping this in me for so goddamn long, but today, really, today was the last straw," the girl said, "I won't let anything else interfere my thoughts right now,"

She took a deep breath, and began her sentences:

"All these while, all these goddamn while, I've hardly ever said no to you. Perhaps there were times, but I had no choice. I would suppose you would too, but I notice...I notice that when such things happen, I would really try to push the limit. You know," she shrugged a little, "Sacrifice a little here and there,"

The mannequin only stared at her with its wooden eyes.

"And when I do things for you, I do it because I wanted to. Spare some time, go through some troubles just to do that, and sacrifice something, be it my money or my 'solitude' time. I would do that, just for you, and you know that," she sighed, "But...but damn! You...you can be so bloody selfish sometime! Just so...so you, you, and you,"

The girl pushed the mannequin away from her, watching it fall with the chair.

"I mean, I know, I do that too. Like right now, you know? And for once, I want to be fucking selfish too and tell you EVERYTHING," she stomped her foot, "I love you, goddamnit, but that's just one part of me that says it. The other half just feels like giving you one big punch in the face and tell you to grow up! Be more like a gentleman! A...a...GAH!"

She kicked the chair.

"I never, at the very least, try to trouble you. The only thing I ever ask of you would be just that very one thing that you dread. Perhaps dread, maybe it was something else. Maybe because you have your worries too, for your own safety. But for god's sake, that is the only thing I ever ask of you. Did I ever ask you for money? Did I ever ask you to go to some...some faraway place and acquire something for me, for my sake? Did I ever ask you to trouble yourself?"

The girl kicked the chair again; "Did I!?"

"I'm frustrated. I'm angry. I'm tired. And I sometimes wish I could be more braver to tell you this in person, but whenever I see you, I just can't," she looked down and began to chuckle, "I smile. I say that 'I'm all right' even though deep down inside, I'm welling up in anger, frustration, disappointment. I just have to put that mask, the very same mask that I wear everytime this happens, and go along with it,"

And from beyond the darkness, a tall man approached from behind her.

"Yet you could never tell him," he said in his solemn voice.

She watched the mannequin on the floor, and hung her head low in guilt; "No. No, I could never,"

The man stood next to her and followed her eyes, "Then why do you stay?"

There was a brief moment of silence, like a thoughtful one. And then a sigh; "Because I love him so dearly. Because I depend on him. Because I need him,"

- - - - - - - - - -

O.O

Damn, this was one heckuva prose.

o.o

Eh, *shrugs* can't write more. My class is starting soon. Till next time, fellow readers.

you must have known the storm was coming

2009-03-13T08:36:00.004+08:00

This is called The Tempest by a band called Pendulum.

Well, after much lyric-analysing, this song is nothing more than a man trying to express his anger to his partner who caused all this ruckus. Yes, at least that's what it says.

But you see, the thing about this song is not the lyrics but rather...the melody itself, how the song has its ups and downs, its build-ups and climaxes. And when you really listen to it, you can truly feel the anger raging in the melody, in those shifting notes. It surrounds itself in dread and anger, but at one point (at exactly 5:15), the song slows down...and the build up begins.

It goes higher and higher, like it was being released from within. Anger grew, but it begins to drain itself out in this cacophony, this...powerful surge of a tune.

My friend, the one who introduced to this wonderful band, described that part as a storm. Amidst the stormy winds, the angry gales, the shrieking air, you stand in the eye of the storm as the observer. You witness this chaotic sight before you, remembering the sight of it and the intensity of the air. It is like a powerful force...

and then it dies, leaving you satisfied.

...

Ah well, this song is on loop.

Anyway, little updates!

I'm still teaching at my old tuition centre (Std. 2, 3, 4, Form 5, Form 1, Adult English Class)
My boss gave me a new class to handle; Form 1 English.
I'm expecting my bank account to reach 1k by the end of this month. ^.^
PENDULUM IS STILL DOPE
I do not like travelling to the main campus for my Management Class there
I'm re-reading a book (juggling Master&Margarita as well...and a few others)
Harold is always always gay (I named my camera that)
My Boris is putting on weight (Boris, my desktop pc at home)
Jim, my PS2, is doing fine
James, my GT5 car pillow, is comfy as ever <3
I FEEL THE URGE TO FINISH A STORY~~~~

Well, that's about it. Until next time!

the greatest thing since bread came sliced

2009-03-11T09:08:00.003+08:00

Why do people do the things they do?

Every day, every second, every moment in life, there will always be someone who tells you to follow your heart when you do something. Yes, of course, sometimes it is the right thing to do. But follow it to much without consulting your rational thoughts, and you might just end up doing something really really stupid.

Then again, humans are peculiar like that.

They would be willing to throw themselves into danger, to destroy their very sanity, to waste away their life; all for the sake of that one goal they desperately try to reach. Like most things in this world, those goals can never be reached. Yet, they still try.

My question, again, is this: why?

Why do we always always do the things we do?

*sigh*

still alive

2009-03-05T21:52:00.002+08:00

Well, college has begun and I am busy once more. But to be honest, I'm more busy with my online game than anything else.

*chuckles* Yes, it seems that this is addiction.

At any rate, this blog is NOT dead! I am just...trying to get my brain to work its gears again. It went from running engine to...dead. Not too worry, I am currently writing a proper piece for my next entry.

But for now, this little post is just to inform you that this blog is still alive.

Until then, await my next post (if you still have the patience for it, that is).

they're coming to take me away, haha!

2009-01-13T19:07:00.003+08:00

Lately, I can't seem to grasp the very idea of living at all. You could say that this life I'm living is like...a routine, something I have to go by until my battery runs out. But is this all there is?

Yea, go ahead. Tell me to be more religious and maybe through this, I might just find the meaning I've longed searched. But that would only result in me trying to find god. And you know what they say nowadays; god's dead. Not that he's literally dead, in fact, I think he just took off the moment he was done with this god-forsakened place he called The Universe.

At least that's what the world taught me.

"Hey there. You've reached Ryo Hirasaki's house phone, and you guessed it; I'm not at home. So leave a message after the beep"

"You asshole, I know you're there. Pick up the goddamn phone,"

My name is Ryo. I'm a detective. And I decided to answer the phone.

"Fuck off, Mitsuo. It's my day off,"

"Ryo, it's about your client..."

My client? Oh yes, I remember working on a case a few days ago. My client is some senator's wife, whatever her name was. She wanted me to keep an eye out on her husband's activities. Apparently, she was told that her husband was seeing another woman behind her back. Yes, the usual ones about affairs, et cetera. Normally, I'd turn down those kinds of offer, but I figured there was something I could get from her...maybe something that I can use against those corrupted higher-ups.

To be honest, I wanted this city to be rid of them all for good. I mean, that's what a cop does, right? The citizens first before anything else, right?

"What about her?" I asked while getting dressed.

There was a sigh, and then he continued; "She's dead,"

I paused for a moment there; dead?

"You'd better come down here, Ryo. It doesn't look good,"

I contemplated, and decided to go pay her my last visit; "Be there in 5,"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'll continue this tomorrow. I'm...terribly tired right now.

Ah, and I have found another obsession today:

This...is addicting. It's...affecting me too.

Goddamnit.

rhiannon, don't go

2009-01-08T23:53:00.004+08:00

Is it me, or are the two Fleetwood Mac songs I listened to were dedicated to my imaginary friends?

Then again, I think too much.

Anyway, this song is called Rhiannon, sung by Fleetwood Mac. If you take the meaning of her name into consideration, it would probably be translated to "witch". But in reality, this is a mistake that many made. Rhiannon is a horse goddess of the Welsh Mythology, often depicted as a beautiful woman dressed in gold atop a white horse.

When I thought she would have a grand tragic story, it turned out that it was just another...normal story. Or so I thought it was. Sad, yes, but...odd too.

Nevertheless, at least I now found the perfect song for this one persona/imaginary friend of mine. She, at this point, is one of the prominent personae in me. You could say that she is the embodiment of "lust" itself. But not the kind who would whore herself for the fun of it.

Like how Ryoko was attuned to Dreams, my persona/imaginary friend, Akiko, is attuned to Rhiannon.

Truly, when I read the lyrics, it really sounded like her story.

Unlike Ryoko's story (a corrupted detective who dreams to bring justice), Akiko...or rather, Alaistar, is something very different from Ryoko's. It involves magic, immortality, and mystery. Yes, Alaistar is an immortal being in my story.

She was created since the beginning of time with only one purpose: to bear the rune of Emptiness and protect it till the time comes for her to truly put it to good use. In other words, she's like a time bomb just waiting to explode because the rune she bears is the forbidden self-destruct button of the world. But to bear it, she would need a shell...a body. And so, she assumes the identity of Alaistar, an 18-year-old woman with no proper memory of the past.

At this point, she is human, an immortal one. And like every human, she too has her womanly desires. But the thought of spending an eternity with the one she loves would not come true, no thanks to her immortality. She loathed it and often wished for death (yes, she's quite the morbid lady). I mean, who wouldn't, right? Eventually, even you too get sick of living for too long.

So she became somewhat distant. Alaistar would remain with man and love him enough for her to be able to leave him peacefully. On and off, on and off; and this goes on for a very long time. To her, it was probably the best way to live in the mean time.

There were a few stories and arcs regarding her journeys and lovers. But out of all her lovers, there were two whom she really loved (one now, because the other man did...something).

I...I honestly don't know how to describe her. She can sometimes be like this, and at other times, like that. You could say she's bipolar, but I don't believe that's the right term. Alaistar...I don't know, when you look at her, words such as "fleeting, far away, melancholic, and vengeful" comes to mind.

As for physical appearance, well...I know this would be very Mary-Sue of me to do this but she really is a lovely being. I described her as a "young woman with dark violet hair and gold eyes". Her body is probably the epitome of "voluptuous", I mean, after all, she is the "Lust" in me.

Alaistar...*sigh* God knows how many hearts she broke in her lifetime...

Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
and wouldn't you love to love her?
She rules her life like a bird in flight
and who will be her lover?

All your life you've never seen a woman
taken by the sky
Where would you stay if she promised you heaven?
Would you even try?

And he says "Rhiannon,
don't go,"
And he says "Rhiannon,
stay,"

And he says
"I still cry out for you
don't leave me
don't leave me..."

what is there to know

2009-01-03T21:48:00.003+08:00

My question remains as it is;

WHY THE HELL IS THIS PERSON A GIRL?

WHY?

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE GODS IN THIS WORLD, WHY IS HE A SHE?

- - - - - - - - -

I know, there are others out there who are in the worst case. But...I mean, come on. You video game directors can easily make pretty girls and fool the world into thinking that they're girls when in reality, they are male and have their male genitals in them.

Make them gay, for all I care. So long as they're pretty.

BUT YOU HAVE DECIDED TO COME CLEAN AND BE HONEST TO YOUR FANS.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

- - - - - -

Bah, such is my life. I realise that I am really enjoying these...boys the Japanese are marketing. And the worst part is;

they come in real figures too.

NOT JUST IN VIDEO GAMES, MY FRIENDS

REAL LIFE.

0_0

"RUN!"

2008-12-27T09:01:00.005+08:00

The mansion was my sanctuary, my solace, my retreat from the outside world now overidden with cannibalic beings that devoured like there's no tomorrow. Then again, when I thought about it,

there really is no tomorrow.

Not too long ago, a strange disease broke out somewhere near the research facility of this bio-tech company. And when it got to the news, well, I thought this was Capcom's Resident Evil in real life. The citizens were forced to evacuate immediately, including my family. Sadly, the infected ones has already flooded the city by then and only a few people were safely evacuated to a safer place.

But well, in situations like this, there's bound to be survivors, no?

Those who survived took shelter in our mansion; some survived the ordeal, others...we simply had to kill off. It was all that we could do to keep the survivors alive. Here, in our mansion, there were no relations, no friends, no lovers; we are all survivors, and our mission is to endure this nightmare and pray that it will one day come to an end. Somehow.

- - - -

I could not call them zombies...nor could I call them vampires. They were strange beings, I must admit, strangely dangerous. One bite from them can turn a human into one of them in a matter of minutes. They become bloodthirsty and will begin rampaging about, constantly hunting for the living. It was as though they have lost their minds, or rather, something else took control, like some carnal instinct that just kept them running.

"They're not zombies," I told the others during one of our meetings in one of thesafe rooms.

Dallas, the self-appointed leader of our group (who was also my father), disagreed; "Whatever they are, they're dead and moving," he stared at me with those hard eyes of his, "And fast,"

"Mr. Dallas, we cannot stay here forever,"

All eyes turned to the latest member of our meeting group, Dr. Sheila. If you think her title meant that she was once a doctor in some shabby old clinic, well, that's where you're wrong. Sheila's one of the survivors from the research facility, where it all began. She was there from the beginning and survived all the way to our mansion. Who knows how she managed to surpass those rabid creatures outside. Heck, even I'd like to know.

But the one thing that surprised us was her newfound opinion here. She suggested that we flee.

Dallas looked at her for a long time. And just when he wanted to say something in reply, Gregory, our former plumber, interrupted; "Why not? We have enough supply here to last us for years! Heck, we even have our guns, ammos!"

The stern-looking doctor fixed her glasses, "Because, Mr. Gregory, those years you speak of would come to a close end," she stood up, taking control of the council this time, "I've seen the number of people who took shelter in your mansion, Mr. Dallas, and there are many. Mr Gregory might be right, but if we were to let this go on, eventually our supplies will run out and we will be forced to...'clean up' some unnecessary survivors, no?"

There was truth in her words, I knew, but Dallas was not one to give up so soon. I leaned back in my chair, watching Dallas's eyes gleaming darkly at Sheila; "Woman," he started, "We saved your sorry ass from those things out there by giving you a place here, in 'my' home. And you're telling us to leave?"

"Think about it, Mr. Dallas. Would you rather end up being like the infected ones out there or remain in this hellhole for the rest of your life?"

The air in the safe room grew tenser by the second. Dr. Sheila spoke the truth, the one truth that we all refused to admit. I looked at Gregory. our old plumber, to everyone present in the safe room, and then to my father...Dallas. I wondered what went on in that screwed up mind of his. For a long time, he ruled over us like an alpha wolf reigning over his pack. Now, there's Dr. Sheila and her logical reasoning to challenge Dallas's iron rule.

This spells trouble.

And knowing Dallas, my own flesh and blood, he would definitely try something.

- - - -

"Holy --!!" exclaimed a voice, "Who the fuck opened the door!?"

"Damnit, they're coming!"

"Hold your positions! Fire at will!" a male voice yelled an order, "GODDAMNIT, JUST KEEP THEM AWAY FROM THE MANSION!"

"We can't, sir! They're--AAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"SHIT!" there was a sound, then a crack, "FALL BACK!"

"But sir, she's still--"

Another sound; almost like a gunshot. And then silence.

"We can't risk it," replied the stern voice, "Evacuate the others! And find Dr. Sheila! She might know a way out!"

- - - -

And so it began, the madness, the nightmare.

I was still in bed when all these happened, but when I tried to move, I realised that Dallas still had his arm clasped tightly across my chest. He was fondling them about, murmuring something of death and doom; he lost it already.

"Fuck you, old man," I tore his hand off me and kicked him off, "This is boring,"

I left him there, mumbling miserably to himself. There was a gun somewhere, I knew he kept one in one of the drawers.

"OH GOD HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP ME, HELP--" crack.

The handguns were there, safely kept beneath a board in one of the drawers. A convenient place, I must admit. My clothes were back in my room, but it's much too far for me to go to. Then again, it doesn't matter to me anymore. All was lost. Tomorrow is gone, thanks to this fool.

"Cya around, Dad,"

So I strode out of the door and went downstairs, wondering if there was anyone who survived the first onslaught. For a moment there, I wondered if I too had gone crazy like Dallas. All these thoughts in my mind, they seem to urge me to do the impossible, to face those creatures and smile victoriously as they devour me to the bone. I felt anxious, excited...I wanted to do it.

There were more disgusted gurgles lurking about, but I knew they were more of them out there. With the gun in my hand, I stepped out through the front door of the mansion and shot the first infected that lunged itself at me.

"THEY HAVE FORSAKEN US! ALL IS GONE!" I yelled to those beings, shooting them when they came too close, "ALL IS LOST! I AM LOST!"

I laughed; it was exciting! Imagine yourself standing there in the midst of danger, armed with a gun and just shooting the hell out of those things. It's a godlike feeling, it is madness, it is power, it is--

My gun disappeared.

"Shouldn't you be running, Heather?"

I stopped short and looked up to see a familiar pair of eyes looking down at me. They were dark...yet, I seem to know them. The others were circling me and slowly, I began to back away. The tall, dark man approached me, putting up his enigmatic smile as he got closer.

It was confusing; this man was like them, an infected. He had the signs in the eyes, the occasional gurgles he made like the rest of the infected, the wobbly gait in his walk...

but he spoke, just like a normal person.

Could it be...?

No! Everyone's dead! Everyone's gone!

I'M THE ONLY ONE LEFT HERE!

Alarmed, I backed away and tried to close the door. But those beings proved too strong for me. The man was still there, still advancing towards me. I have to lose him!

I ran back to the living room and tried to shut the door from there. No, it wasn't strong enough. That man was still able to open it. He was smirking, like a normal being, while the rest of the infected loomed hungrily from behind him.

"You should really run, Heather. It's no good stopping us now," he said.

It was there that I felt it after so long. That feeling finally returned to haunt me once more; fear. Raw fear.

He was there, goddamnit, and he's one of them...but he spoke. That was wrong. That was terribly wrong. But I couldn't comprehend anything at this point. My mind ran, my heart raced, my body shook; fear. Fear was here, fear came back to rule once more.

Fear made me scream.

I ran from him, from the infected. I had to, I wanted to, I didn't want to die to them. Fear awakened my survival instincts and urged me to get away from them. And that I did, without fail.

"Not too fast, Heather,"

The stairs, up the stairs! Run there! Haven! Sanctuary! Safety!

But then I felt a pair of strong arms that grabbed me from behind. He got me! But no, I can't let it end here! Sobbing, I tried kicking the wall, hoping to fall down the stairs with him. Yet, he was too strong. Too strong...

Then there was that teeth of his, sinking on the nape of my neck...

Is this the end?

"RUN!" cried a female voice.

The man immediately released me and choked. But before I could speed off, he grabbed my by the shoulders and whispered into my ears;

"Go, we'll cover you,"

Honestly, if I had the time to ask what the hell was going one, I could. But no, there was no time. The man was holding his position, blocking from letting the infected get to me. I spied another woman too, shoving them about with her brute strength. In my madness, I recalled a name.

Eronn.

And then I ran.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Gah, I figured this was nice at first but when it got towards the end, it started getting choppy. All hail choppy sentences, hurrah.

The story up there was actually a snippet of a nightmare I got this morning. If I were to write my whole nightmare in detail, it would be really...incoherent, because it involved a little shopping spree before the whole infected-zombie whatsis. And the nightmare only picked up from the part where Heather was shooting at the zombies and that scene where that strange man appeared and helped her.

...I suppose what I wanted to portray there was fear, isolation, and madness. Maybe madness. I'm not sure myself. Heather went slightly mad because she was traumatised from the whole infected-whatsis thing and the thing with Dallas was...well, the last straw, as they'd say. Then again, her dad was mad to begin with anyway.

Bah, all this started when I played that zombie-shooting game, Left4Dead. Aiman was pretty the main reason why I played it, but when I really got the hang of it, the game was actually quite fun.

Yea, fun and all. But that does not stop me from getting nightmares. It's strange though, I have a certain phobia against zombies...or rather, being alone in a zombie-infested area. I suppose claustrophobic would be the closest thing I could think of when I thought of that.

Yes, I have a big phobia against zombies...or anything that transforms a human into something that it shouldn't be (like those things from 28 Days/Weeks Later and Quarantine). It...just scares me. Terribly.

Oh well. Enough mad rambling for the day. And now that I think of it...

I wonder what happened to that doctor.

would you stay if she promised you heaven?

2008-12-24T15:55:00.004+08:00

So today
We fly to see another day
another past
another future
another time

We fly and forget
let them all drift away.
Fade to dust
these troubled qualms

Our wings soar high
tips touching the endless blue

Bliss overflowing

Infinity dwells
this stagnant space

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

I wrote this out of boredom. But really, they were just random thoughts in my mind.

Lately, I've been thinking about flying.

Oh well.

At any rate, this post is here to show that Aufsteigende Flugel is still alive and well. Its author is currently enjoying a particular game that has been occupying her time all these while (uninspired would be the correct word here, but I simply must refrain from using such words as it will only dishonour the author and arouse her wrath).

Until then, please remain seated and we will continue this journey when all is fixed.

Thank you.

And have a happy christmas, fellow readers.

so have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

2008-12-02T22:24:00.012+08:00

Recently, I've been tuning in to Dreams.

If you actually cared to tune in to the song, you might recognise the tunes of this song. And yes, I'm pretty sure most of you guessed it as that song sung by The Corrs, no? Sorry to break your bubbles, loves, Dreams's original singer is Fleetwood Mac. But not too worry, I was caught in that trap too, until my father pulled me out from that little trap and opened my eyes to his music genre.

Dreams, I thought, was quite an inspirational song to me. In a way, it tells a story about someone who wants everything but remains unaware of the loss in between. It reminds me a lot of Ryoko, a character of mine in my head (and by that, I meant that I haven't written any stories for him).

Ryoko's a philanderer who enjoys sleeping with different women every night (note; I mentioned women, not woman). As a detective and part of the higher-ups in the political realm of Neo-Tokio, he gets paid in big bucks; most of them come from bribes. He sees no meaning in money and merely throws them to the prostitutes he hires.

In a way, you could see that he has somehow lost that purpose in life. He dreams for a better society, he dreams to return to his wife, he dreams to put those corrupted politicians behind bars, he dreams of justice; but to him, they were merely dreams. Tomorrow, for him, was just another today. In his dream for a better society, he only made it worse. In his dreams to return to his wife, he goes off philandering with prostitutes. As for justice, well, Ryoko is the epitome of corruption itself.

Hm, I don't know how else I could describe him. I could imagine him laughing to this song, and then throwing a book at the audio player in frustration. XD Ryoko has always struck me as that kind of person.

At any rate, I'll stop my ramblings and get on with Jo Lyn's lovely tag. =P

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

1. What is your ambition?

Why, it has always been about ruling the world ;)

2. Grab the book nearest to you, open it to page 20 and copy down the fourth line:

"...however; wealth. The people of this country might be starving, but Kae..."

Taken from Elantris by Brandon Sanderson.

3. How often do you think of committing suicide?

An emperor does not give up on her empire. In fact, she will do whatever it takes to immortalise herself in the minds of her people. She does not die. In conclusion, no, I do not think of suicide. Ever.

4. Do you think you have enough confidence?

Doubt that. I'd say that my confidence is among the many masks I wear. It's inside that's lacking the true confidence.

5. How many babies do you want?

My son, Rhaegar, and my three daughters: Elerrina, Elissis, and Enefea.

6. Favourite perfume/fragrance?

I don't have it, but I remember the smell. Pleasant. =)

7. What is your goal for this year?

You mean next year. Hmm...I've yet to decide. Then again, who does fulfill yearly goals, hm?

8. What 's a perfect boyfriend/girlfriend to you? (list 10)

One:
One who is like a thousand of everything in one chapter and a thousand of others in the next.

Two:
One who can prove to me that he is not just another typical book.

Three:
One who is like a mystery, just waiting to be solved.

Four:
One whose thought is like a river that flows with mine, both from different sources but eventually merging as one.

Five:
One whose tongue is gifted with the ability to melt the heart and forge it into strong steel.

Six:
One who knows who he is and what he seeks.

Seven:
One who is careful when treading upon dangerous grounds.

Eight:
One who can face his fears and emerge victorious.

Nine:
One who is not afraid to know love, to feel love, and to feel love returning to him.

Ten:
One who is not afraid to love someone like me.

9. What feeling do you love the most?

Victory?
But when I think about it, I suppose it is love.

10. What is your bad habit?

Like every other student I know (well, most), procrastination. And also...my loud 'bark', if you get what I mean.

11. Is there anything you want to tell to the people who hate you?

"Have we met?"

12. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?

Silly question. Of course I do. I just...don't keep in touch with them that much, that's all.

13. What do you hate most in people?

Empty promises.

14. What do you crave for the most, currently?

THAT.

NEED I SAY MORE?

15. What features /quirks do you find totally sexy on a guy/girl?

The voice, really.

16. Describe the person who tagged you in seven words?

Sunshine bright happy but with random storms.

17. What have you done to yourself to make yourself happy?

Lately? Playing this:

18. What will you become in the next 10 years?

This:
On a library pilgrimage around the world, starting with Trinity College Dublin's library.

19. What's the best way to better living?

As for tagging others and the 20th question...well, I'll just leave it as it is. Let the 20th question find its way amongst my other posts.

Until then, farewell.

forever never comes around

2008-11-16T19:43:00.002+08:00

Inspired by Rae's post, I decided to do my own as well. Here are Rae's instructions for the little Q&A Game:

"Go to Urban Dictionary and type in your answer to each question in the search box, the write the FIRST definition it gives you."

Well, here goes. XD

1) Your name: Alissa
Someone who loves attention. She is hot, beautiful and glamorous and extremely popular. Looks are very important to her, and it often comes off as shallow. If you are a nobody, she doesnt care for you, she only associates with the best. She is outgoing and crazy at times. She craves attention, and she will go to the extreme to get it. She can be a huge bitch if she wants, or the sweetest cutest girl ever. But watch out.. she is fierce

Everyone knows alissa, she is sooo popular

Me: ...I...doubt that. Really.

2)Your age: 19
To "be 19", or to have "gone 19" essentially means that something has gone wrong, is just plain weird, or is inexplicable. Derived from Stephen King's 'Dark Tower' series. Its true meaning, if anything more than a motif, has yet to be revealed.

"Welcome to the 19th level of The Dark Tower."

"The whole fucking world has gone 19."

Me: So it's as vague as 42?

3) One of your friends: Sharleen
usually the name of a shelia in Australia who has puffy blonde hair steriotypically speaking. It's an aussie girl name.

Moira: Sharleen did you check with bob if he had any of that fertilliser left?

Sharleen: Nah I am too busy curling my hair ma.

Me: ...They got Australia right. 0_0

4) What you should be doing: Shower.
Device that men use to wack off while at their in-laws house

i masturbate so much in the shower when it rains i get a hard on

Me: NO. I WAS NOT THINKING OF THAT.

5) Your favourite colour: None
Half a penis

aaaaaa

Me: WTF.

6) Your Birthplace: Malaysia
The country where education is very highly politicised.Also a country where Malays are literaly spoonfed from their moment of their birth up to their deaths.Even if you are the no.1 student in Malaysia,you won't get a place in a public university of your choice if you are not a Malay.A Malay can beat you to the seat even if he's a freakin' retard.That is guaranteed.

Friendly?Yes.Non-racist?Not always so.

The universities of Malaysia are foul-ridden with hordes of lazy,incompetitive Malay students.

Me: ...True...to an extend.

7) Last person you talked to: Aiman
Aiman isn't defined yet.

Me: *sighs in relief*

8) Last thing you had to drink: Ice water
a great wu-tang raised rap group.

ice WATER

Me: ...Uh-huh.

9) Your nickname: Allie/Shasha/Lis/Lissa

Allie
(a) A name usually given to females and is derived from the male names "Alexander, Alessandro"

(b) Short for "Allison, Alexandra, Alexandria, or Alessandra."

(c) People with this name are usually goodlooking/attractive, smart, funny, and very nice.

(d) It literally means "protector of mankind"

"Allie is the prettiest, smartest, funniest, nicest, most awesome girl in my class."

Me: ...once more, I doubt that. 0.o

Shasha
a male pretending to be or making fun of a gay person,

robert is such a shasha,,but he is funny.

Me: I am shocked. Shocked.

Lis
LIS simply stands for laughing in Silence. For all of you who have the addicting thing called myspace, use LIS instead of LOL.

Dude 1: That was fun shooting that video w/ AZN and Long Hair Man.

Dude 2: LIS, screw LOL

Me: Thanks for the nickname, Di.

Lissa
A female name meaning "To be the best".

Don't act so "Lissa" JT, You're down with the dogs.

Me: ...I guess that helps. Thanks Lex, Li. =3

That was fun, while it lasted.

it must have been love, but it's over now

2008-11-16T17:07:00.003+08:00

It must have been love (Christmas for the broken-hearted) - Roxette

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground...

I would love you, yes, I would, if I remember how it felt. It had been so long since I last had a woman in my arms. Centuries, eons, forever; these words surround the very thing you hold in your hands, beloved.

Would one go beyond death? Perhaps, for I am the living proof of it. Sadly, only I can exist in such a way. How amusing; you, who are at the brink of death, and I, beyond death. We truly are meant for each other, even if this moment is just a second away from your doom.

I would hold you close to me, my love, my nameless lover. My warmth will shelter you from Death's touch, claiming you as mine before I release you. My hands will caress your skin, and I will lean close to your ears and whisper loving words.

I would love you, yes, I would. And my memory returns gradually.

I would watch you fall, sprawled across the bed like a beautiful porcelain doll. Your lovely red hair, now a reminder of what was once an inferno of lust in the night, would dangle from the edges of the bed. You would raise your hand to me, beckoning me to your side. You would whisper my name like a chant. I was the wish, your wish.

Oh, love, if the gods were kind to you, I would rape you. I would take you with such force that would leave you begging for more!

Alas, your body grows weak by the second. Your breaths short and desperate, the fire in your eyes, dimming. Yet, in these hopeless moments, you would still give your love to me.

Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart...

Gods, give me time! Let me feel the humanity that I lost long ago, let me feel.

In the midst of my despair, you would calmly pull me to your side and kiss me. Your lips; they were cold yet...comforting. I would shudder, feeling your legs wrapped around my waist. I could hear your breaths growing shorter, and your voice, softer than before. But you would scream, moan, laugh, and cry.

You loved me.

And so did I.

It must have been love, but it's over now

Then you fell.

It must have been good, but I lost it somehow

There was a smile, a loving caress. And then, release.

It must have been love, but it's over now..

I watched you for a very long time. And in those moments, I remembered. In all those eternities I spent searching for immortality, I remembered.

From the moment we touched

till the time had run out...

I love you.

- - - - - -

Honestly, I could have done better, but I wasn't in the mood for it. To be precise, I can't remember how it all happened. I forgot the passion, the love, the lust, the desire when I wrote this down.

In case you're wondering, I was merely re-enacting a scene in a book by Anne Rice called Servant of the Bones. No, this scene only appeared once in the book (unlike her other vampire books) and this was a hetero relationship, not too worry.

I remembered reading this scene and strangely, at that moment, this song was played. And now, every time I hear this song, I remember Azriel and his lovemaking with that woman whose name I failed to remember. It was...bittersweet, really. He was her first and last lover. And yes, she did die in the end.

Bah, what a time for me to be feeling sappy. Hope you enjoyed the entry though.

the city is burning, the ocean is turning

2008-11-11T10:18:00.003+08:00

Well hello there, my friends and faithful readers.

I am proud to announce the arrival of a new blog (my production, of course). However, this blog will talk about boring issues concerning the media, the blogosphere, etc. And yes, you guessed it; it's an assignment. So don't expect to see any personal issues being raised in there (perhaps to most, it would be better =P Takes away those emo rants, eh?).

Without further ado, I welcome you to

The Neophyte's Raison D'etre

Oh, and The Hush Sound is still part of my daily playlist. This song is the current loop I've been listening to:

Lighthouse by The Hush Sound

Note; the lyrics are disturbing.

round and round on and on, every day spins my confusion

2008-10-25T12:43:00.003+08:00

I would be bloody ignorant and childish if I said that nobody understands us.

Which is true.

Or rather,

We simply do not want to be understood.

And by 'we', I meant my sister and I.

We are like two sides of a coin. Me being the rebellious one, always wanting to fight for our rights (and mine as well), willing to go against my parents, me being the vocal one. And then there's my sister; the passive one, the one that keeps it all to herself, swallowing it down, keeping that cold exterior about her to make sure no one worries for her. When bad things happen, I would run and forget, but she will stay on. She'd stand there and endure the blows, afraid to turn coward and run away like me.

She's such a mouse, and I am the loud dog who barks fiercely but flees when things go wrong. Heck, at least she's being honest.

To us, we only have each other. Sure, our parents support us, gives us the love that we both need. But really, in truth, there is just 'us'.

We refuse to be helped, no matter how loud we cry and beg for love. We simply refuse. Why? I know not. It is simply within our nature.

Only we know how we feel.

No one else.

All-Girls Gamer Team!

2008-10-17T09:18:00.002+08:00

GameAxis Recruitng Girl Gamers For An All-Female Team

October 16, 2008 by Chapree

You might be wearing this soon.Original image: HWM/GameAxis Malaysia
GameAxis Unwired Malaysia, our Official Gaming Magazine outfit is currently on the look for five girl gamers to join their all-female team. The notice appeared in the October’08 issue of the magazine.

Since the full details was not given in the magazine, we contacted the GameAxis editorial team to find out more about it ourselves. Lim Kuan Keat, the mag’s Sub-Editor explained that the all-female team objective is not competitive or focused on single game/genre/platform as per common eSports team.

But that doesn’t mean they not going to be competitive if there’s occasion. Lim also gave an impression that the team will be showing their gaming skills everywhere once the team is formed. Think of the concept something on the line like the famous Ubisoft’s Frag Dolls.
Interesting concept that could spice up our gaming scene . Girls, hit an email to the GameAxis team at editorial[AT]my.gameaxis.com for more details.

http://forum.lowyat.net/topic/819273

--------------------------------------

Like the Soul Calibur IV marathon, I WILL JOIN THIS ONE.

I WILL DO MY UTMOST TO SECURE A PLACE WITHIN THE WORLD OF VIDEO GAMES.

MUST.

What a nice birthday gift this is (I just hope I'll get a reply from them, that is. >__>). Also...I hope they won't make us play Soul Calibur IV unless the girls are terrible players. Yes, I rarely see good female gamers (unless you want to include yourself in this list, Sa-Chan. XD You and...hmm, I don't know anyone else who plays video games well).

I'm an average gamer (nearing the rookie rank, I'm guessing), but I can bash anyone in Soul Calibur II and somewhat on Tekken (but Aiman stands above me. HIGH above me. ;__;).

Oh well, wish me luck for this! =D

you came to me in seamless sleep

2008-10-16T09:37:00.008+08:00

Apparently, this skin screws up in Opera. But knowing Malaysians, I'm sure not many of you have heard of Opera before and mostly use Firefox or IE. Although IE has the higher tendency to scew up, but it seems to work just fine than in Opera. And I wouldn't have to worry about Safari because it is complete and rarely screws anything up.

So yes, a new skin! As much as I love the last skin, I figured it was a wee bit too messy. I opted for something simple, and I found this after visiting a website I have long abandoned. Simple, but lovely too.

Ah, and speaking of lovely, I don't suppose many of you have heard of The Hush Sound? Well, if you do, then you have all of my love. Yes, and I suppose I was a bit too late when I found out that such a band exists. I say this because bands like Stars are not common, and The Hush Sound is like a softer and free-&-easy version of Stars. Nevertheless, they're a lovely bunch. Expect a lot of piano play, drums, light guitar-work, and duets between the two vocalists of the band.

I conclude that the female vocalist of this band has a beautiful voice; mellow and sweet to the ears. It has that innocence about it, not that much to make me melt to my knees, but it just makes you float in the air and fly high above the clouds.

And looking at the real faces of these people...

She's such a doll. I love her already.

I haven't heard their other albums as this was my first for them. Here are the songs listed in their 2006 album, Like Vines.

We Intertwined
Dark Congregation
Sweet Tangerine
Lion's Roar
Lighthouse
Don't Wake Me Up
Where We Went Wrong
Magnolia
Wine Red
Out Through the Curtain
You Are The Moon

The ones I bolded and italic-ise are the highly recommended songs and it's a big must to hear these first! XD Nothing special, my friends, but I figured you all should hear those three first before exploring the rest of the track. And I can't let you listen to Lion's Roar without first letting you hear the good ones. As for the italic ones, they're also pretty good tracks, but it's best that you listen to the bolded-italic ones first before trying the rest.

We Intertwined serves as the opening like a fresh appetizer to the audience. The piano, to me, was the crux of this song, though later it moves to the drums and guitars. It truly adds to the freshness of the song and really, it sounds like the kind of song you would wake up to on a Monday morning (I say Monday morning, because it is still upbeat and keeps you on the move).

Don't Wake Me Up sounds fresh, upbeat, and just makes you feel like jumping to the beat. Oh, no, it's nothing clubby. I mean my words when I say 'fresh', again. Look out for a little surprise at minute 0:42 (what a coincidence, it's my lucky number!) when you listen to this one.

As you go on, you'll eventually get the hang of it.

Personally, I find Lion's Roar a very interesting song. Perhaps the lyrics is interesting as well, but it is the rhythm, melody, and the way it was sung. A strange song, but interesting, nonetheless.

But out of all of them, I find You Are The Moon as the loveliest track on the list. Obviously, my love for the piano-voice combination is part of the reason. But here, it's not just that. The lovely lyrics go hand-in-hand with the repetitive simple melody.

I'll end the post with this beautiful track. So here it is:

You Are The Moon by The Hush Sound

harder, better, faster, stronger

2008-10-11T09:55:00.003+08:00

YES! I'M BACK! BUT ONLY FOR A SHORT WHILE (in the midst of completing IPD assignments)!

Nevertheless, this will NOT stop me from blogging this wonderful post!

My friends, I bring you

The Carnival

It'll be held at my campus (TCPJ, the old Bali building at Leisure Commerce Square) aaaaand there will be lots of performances and stuff for sale!

So come one, come all~! Cancel all your appointments on the 18th of October and come join us for some great time!

For more details, please visit:
http://mediacarnival08.blogspot.com

YOU'D BETTER COME OR I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE.

8U

but the only thing I found was a desert

2008-09-19T08:49:00.004+08:00

0900 hours

Today

And I can't go

Even though I signed up for it

Well, I know I'm not that good at the game, but still...a chance to play this...this new game on the latest Sony console. I mean, when else will I have the chance to play it? Sure, probably when I start work and earn my own money. But I have other money stuff to worry about like my LOANfor example. And if I do live on my own, there'll be bills, taxes, house loan payment, groceries, etc.

*sigh*

"hi im hijacking this post coz im cool" (Nash, 2008)

Thanks, Nash. Thanks a lot. =.=

Bah, I think too much. I'll probably waste some tokens on some Silent Hill arcade game and shoot the hell out of misery.

References:

Nash, 2008, My Book of Quotes, Kambing Publications, Rose Valley, Cameron Highlands, p.5556 - 5557.

I'm scared of what I cannot see, my love

2008-09-08T16:23:00.002+08:00

She lives in one small room
Over the convienence store
She had big plans once
She doesn't have them anymore

Got little diamonds in her ears
But she's got coal in her eyes
It's been night so long now
She doesn't think the sun will rise

And she asks, "Is this all there is?
Won't this ever end?
There must be a better place"

Looking for another world
I'm not sure we should
I'm not sure salvation lies there
There is bad as well as good
Let us love each other now
As if this world is all there is

He wanted to believe
In the dreams he held so dear
He swam against the tide
But he was drowning in his fear

On the lost horizon
The goal kept shrinking down in size
It's been night so long now
He doesn't think the sun will rise

And he says, "This can't be all there is
There must be something more
There must be a better place"

Looking for another world
I'm not sure we should
I'm not sure salvation lies there
There is bad as well as good
Let us love each other now
As if this time is all there is

Lying here beside you
I wonder what will become of us
Of you and me, oh, of all of us
So many dangers, oh so much at stake

I'm scared of what I cannot see, my love
I am so scared

I'll help you if I can
I believe I've got to try
We all have our parts to play
And I am playing mine

I don't know about another world
What beyond this curtain lies
I know it's been night a long time
But one day the sun will rise
Yes, one day the sun will rise

Another World
sung by Mackenzie Phillips

- - - - - - -

This is a lovely song, I thought. The lyrics were beautiful and the emotion present in this song was strong. I feel a certain longing in here...and...well, I don't know if this could relate itself to what's happening now but...I feel it does.

The song was supposed to be talking about loss and moving on. In the show where Phillips played her character and sang this song, she was basically singing her late husband's song. And in a way, it talks about moving on.

For me though, I see it as...the many bumps and toughies present in a relationship. It shows a bond that is strong and would go through whatever for a brighter day. Despite the challenges, both of them would play their part in trying to repair the damage that was done. And eventually, 'the sun will rise'.

I have erred in so many ways, at times, I even wonder what the hell I just did. I can't even start on 'Why' when I can't find the answer for the 'What'. It's...strange. I know this would sound like I'm trying to run away from responsibilities, but...I must confess, I was an entirely different being when it comes to doing all those. My mind shifts, my thoughts differ from my usual self, and...I become someone else. Perhaps a shadow, a puppet, a queen, a shapeshifter; I was not myself.

But like all dreams, they would all come to an end, and I would soon be facing the real world and what I have with me at that moment.

My bond with him...it is strong. I can feel it. And I am convinced that he is the one for me, the one I would want to spend my whole life with. For that, I have discarded those visions, dreams, and fantasies of the stranger I wished to have met, and replaced it with the real one, the one that is standing right before me.

Today, I have said my farewells to the stranger and bid him safe passage in his life. I thanked him for his gifts from his realm and hope he finds someone else out there.

But starting from today onwards, I will look at no one else.

No one but him.

And I love him very very much.

running things

2008-08-30T20:14:00.003+08:00

It is difficult to keep track on certain topic in your mind. Also, it is terribly dificult to think about the things you wish to avoid. Then again, it happens. And for some reason, as much as you keep it hidden from the world, there will always be someone who has the ability to fish it out from inside you.

That happened today, actually. But not too worry, it was nothing too serious. It was just one of her specialties, or rather, it is how she reacts whenever it is just the two of us. Somehow or rather, we will end up talking about it and she will be able to fish it out from me. A secret or two, or perhaps something so secretive it does not truly deserve the name 'secret'.

It opened my mind to something I never thought I would think of. And this led me to delve into the minds of the ones dwelling within my mind.

So, without further ado, I will let you see some of the things that goes on in my ever-changing mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Where is my soul?"

"...my life for your taking. I shall..."

"She is gone; no one will be there to guide thy hands,"

"The Creator is the most wonderful person. She has brought us many--"

"--LIES!"

"...and--"

"--LEFT US TO OUR DOOM!"

"Why must you doubt her?"

"My work, plenty. Damn, where do I start? My goddamn partner's not responding. Who's going to do the intro? Me again? But I have other things to do too. Bloody hell--"

"Is it coming to an end, Alaistar?"

"Where is my soul?"

"The sky seemed darker than usual, don't you think so?"

"...and if I continue to serve you, what will happen to me?"

"Fukami-sama, we must return, somehow,"

"Who is to tell when to? We? Her? The Kaiser? Is it not we who possess minds of our own? Is it not we who created the order in this realm? Why do you say we have to obey her?"

"...there's also IPD to think about,"

"YOU DESPICABLE FOOL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME?!"

"I'm hungry,"

"The forest dies as the seconds go by. My existence hangs upon a thin thread. Soon, I too will go with the forest,"

"Why did I say that to my Father? Why?"

"Come, let us pray to the Creator. Perhaps in these troubled times, she may come to our aid and deliver us from this misery,"

"Do you love me?"

"If I gave you a reason, you would no longer be here," he smiled, "I have to keep you guessing just to have you with me,"

"The House..."

"Where is my soul?"

"I wonder how Allie's doin' now. She's probably busy with her work and all, but I should go visit her...gotta' apologize to her for last time," he sighed, "Why the hell did I do that?"

"Existence; 'tis a very nimble essence that we all possess. Belief creates Existence, and that's how we survive, how we all came to be. But did we truly come through her? And if so, why does our Existence truly depends on her Belief on us? Why don't we all take her and create ourselves as wholes?"

"...ah...harder, my love...ahh...AH!"

"Evacute the villagers! Protect the crops!" the emperor drew her sword, "Cavalry, CHARGE!"

"Helia..."

"Is it me that you feel, touch, embrace, and devour? Tell me, love, hide no secrets from me lest I render them cruelly from your mind,"

"Why am I doing this to myself?! I'm just hurting the people around me!"

"I want to love him, and I do love him. But I--"

"...exiled from Harmonia. I have plans on leading a rebellion against them but I need a leader, a figurehead; and an army," the tactician extended his hand to the young man, "Will you be my leader?"

"Continue my quest? Hah, what quest? I'm merely drifting...but I do seek something out there. Something exists out there and I want to find it, but at the same time, I can't just abandon it here,"

"Perfection doesn't exist in this world. In fact, I think our minds are too limited to fathom the capabilities of a perfect being. But, suppose we do acquire perfection, won't that make us gods? Heck, who are we to call ourselves gods when we could very well be above that? What then would they call us?"

"I love him,"

"And I love you, Scar,"

"You called me by my middle name, unlike the others. Unlike my dearest cousin, Timaeus..."

"I just want to know why I'm doing this. Is it because of her? Is it truly beacuse I seek the thrill of it? Perhaps it is 'love' that I have fallen in love with, perhaps 'words', perhaps 'lust'..."

"...kill her,"

"Where is my soul?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It's odd, really.

Maybe having too many personae in your head would really turn you into a schizoprenic one day. Maybe I really am right now. But it's just the matter of the mind, right?

So, if one is schizophrenic by choice, what would that make her?

and I'll only take medicine if it's followed by sweet

2008-08-18T22:40:00.010+08:00

Hoorah! A TAG! XD

I'll just copy the rest from Mr. Max then~

Answer the questions below, do a Google Image search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results, and do it with minimal words of explanation. Tag 5 other people to do the same once you’ve finished answering every question.

1) The age you'll be on your next birthday

Oh, Grover. =.=

2) A place you'd like to travel to

Austria

3) Your favourite place

A penthouse of my own, designed somewhat like this.

4) Your favourite food

The grilled dory fillet has officially become my favourite food!

5) Your favourite pet

Egyptian Mau. Lovely.

6) Your favourite colour combination

Red and Yellow

7) Your favourite piece of clothing

A lovely black-blue gown of velvet. (That is, if such a thing existed here. *sighs*)

8) Your all time favourite song

Especially Simon and Garfunkle's version.

9) Your favourite TV show

10) First name of your significant other/crush

It begins with an A.

11) The town you live in

Mont' Kiara-ish, I suppose.

12) Your first job

Ushered the press into that room there~!

13) Your dream job

A ruling queen.

An author (I know, she's writing a letter, but meh)

Drama Actress (Perhaps land the role of Titania in A Midsummer's Night Dream)

14) A bad habit you have

Stage Fright
(Yes, I consider this as a bad habit because this can be overcome easily but I have not made any effort for that, and thus, I consider this as my bad habit)

15) Your worst fear

Isolophobia - The fear of being isolated/alone.

16) The one (or many! <-- edited by Allie) thing you'd like to do before you die

Publish my stories!

Good sex. ;)

Marriage.

And having my first child
(praying hard for the firstborn to be a son and name him 'Rhaegar')

I tag:

Rae
Chel
Debbie
Mistcakes

Enjoy~!

and really, it's for the mother****ers who's just so fly

2008-08-13T18:53:00.005+08:00

You think taking care of someone is a simple task? Well, I tell you, it isn't.

You know you want to be everything for that person, but when you realise how light your wallet becomes, how you sometimes neglect your meals, how you often go against your parents' wishes for them, how you much you spent for them and none for you, how you would wait for them for hours and tell yourself that it doesn't bother you when it did, how you would do anything to just see them even for a split second, how you--

And the list goes on.

But then, when you think back about these things in your sulking moments, you would end up regretting and grind your teeth and brain as you think of all the money you spent on that one outing when you know your parents are having some sort of difficulty with their income. And there, you begin to blame yourself for your own stupidity because you spent too much, or rather, gave too much for that one person and none for your own.

Perhaps at this moment, you would regret it for actually being with that person. And perhaps in all your fury and anger, you decided to call it off. End it there, move on to the next person in the list, and later find out that that person turned out to be even worse than the one you had before.

Thus, the vicious cycle continues.

But that step can be skipped should you allow rationality to aid your judgement. You put yourself in that person's shoes and try to evaluate things from their point of view, and there you find that they are somewhat similar to yours. Perhaps that, and then you would see that they too suffer the same thing, but they are better than you, because despite all that, they still care for you and asks if you are all right in the midst of you thinking about all the money you spent.

Love later comes into the picture and melts your heart, probably enough to forgive him and tell yourself that you just needed to be a little more patient. Deep down inside, you really do love him but perhaps other factors contribute to those dark thoughts and made you feel down. But you must remember, he is still human.

Sure, he forgets your birthday, forgets to treat you for breakfast, forgets that you don't have enough to spend, forgets that you waited for him for so long and then later he doesn't treat you like you deserved it, and all the faulty ones.

But think again, haven't YOU treated him the same way?

So for you people out there who feels this way, think again! And yes, he still loves you, girls!

And I love you, Aiman Azri. *smiles*

and love can dry my tears as pain disappears

2008-08-12T19:10:00.003+08:00

I can expect to see blog post about the fire at our campus today. LOL, and yes, I'll be sure to check on it by tomorrow. However, I'm a wee bit tired to load the pictures in my computer.

And to be honest, I'm pretty much down in the dumps now.

Gah, the tension between my Father's family and my Mother's stretches on. Yes, of course, I asked my Mother to extend my stay here at my Father's. But honestly, when you think about it, why the hell should I ask? I mean, this is my Father's house. MY. FATHER. My own blood and flesh, what's wrong about staying here longer than there?

And of course, I do go back there from time to time. And at times, I do extend my stay there and not go to my Father's even though my sister does. Bah, I don't know what goes on with them but I heard a lot from my stepmother about my mother and how she's...well, sending insulting messages to my Father about my Stepmother. I know, I know, my Mother's jealous and all, but GODDAMNIT. Can't she just.......GAH.

GOD, I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE OUT, AWAY FROM ALL OF THEM.

TWO MORE YEARS, PEOPLE, TWO MORE YEARS.

And because of that, my Stepmother's giving me the cold shoulder because of my Mother's insult. Well, who wouldn't, right? I mean, I'm my Mother's daughter and not hers. Perhaps I should have gone back to my Mother's? *Shrugs* I don't know.

But if I get my part-time job at my cousin's, and if I manage to find a room to rent or something, somewhere nearby, I'll move there. 'Tis unlikely that I will, of course, but god, the tension in both houses. Keep your wars to yourselves, children! GODDAMNIT.

I'm going out of my mind now, aren't I?

Okay, okay, stay calm. Just...breathe, Allie, breathe. Let it pass through like it always does, think of assignments (an even more annoying problem, but better than the one right now) and Saaya. And maybe even ramen with Ryu and Kaworu. Or a night with Ryo. Either one, anyone...

*sigh*

Nocturnal Daze

2008-08-03T16:58:00.002+08:00

It's not exactly 'night' yet, but I'm already listening to Lovespirals' Nocturnal Daze, so yea, why not?

Hm, I don't really know what to talk about, so I'll just...give you all a link to every anime and video game soundtrack that is far better than both KH Insider and Galbadia Hotel (GH is banned on Google, it seems). If I'm not wrong this is a Vietnamese website, but no worries, they're all in English...at least the relevant informations are all in English.

ChauThanth

It's a lovely website, easy to navigate and loads faster than Galbadia Hotel. Chau Thanth has less download-interrupt problems, unlike KH Insider. So yes, I give it to thee, the treasure trove of--

I take back my words.

This website does the same thing too.

Goddamnit.

But the odds of getting that is considerably lower than KH Insider and GH! Hee, and I found the songs I've been looking for in there as well. So yes, hail ze website!

My sister just came back from the MTV Asia Awards thingie. Apparently, my Father managed to get two VIP tickets to go watch it yesterday. I wanted to go as well, seeing that my sister was at loss for finding people to go with her for that MTV thingie, but my Mother was off in Kuantan and I had no choice but to stay here and take care of things (thank god I'm back).

So, in the end, my sister went with my cousin and they both had one heluva time. Well, I'm happy for her. =) She deserves these things more than I do (as much as I wanted to go to just go somewhere far away from home~).

Ah well, that's all for today, I suppose. Nothing much happened, save the horrible event that happened this morning. But aside from that, nothing else. Until next time, farewell~

Home

2008-08-02T13:09:00.004+08:00

Yes, my friends. I'm home. And as you can see, I'm a wee bit lazy to update my blog. Unfortunately, laziness has caught up to me and is now leading the race. So, I REALLY got to buck up and chase after it.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, as one would say. Bittersweet, I'd say. But I was truly surprised when I saw tears in their eyes. Oh, no, not all them cried, please. XD But two of them did, and I was really really surprised. I didn't know how much my parting would mean to them, and to my regret, I didn't give much thought about this. It made me feel...really sad, and perhaps for a moment there, I could hear myself cursing at my own idiocy for thinking of such things about UiTM.

Hence, 'tis probably another bad part of me that I notice. I only take and believe what most people say to me and then quote those words to others without giving 'em credit (sometimes I do). People say that it was a bad place; I believed it. I went there with that kind of mentality, and to make matters worse, I filled it with even more bad thoughts. And now that I've come to realise how wrong it was, I felt really bad...

Someone should punish me. Really.

Well, I know, the cold caught me and my Mother's not talking. But...but it's...

Ryu: Do you REALLY have to punish yourself for so many things, Alissa?

Me: I feel horrible. Guilty, perhaps. They were such wonderful people and I thought of them that way.

Ryu: Well, what's done was done, no? I mean, you were being a bitch at one point, but at least you know what you did was wrong. So stop regretting and learn from it, eh?

Me: ...It--

Ryu: NO BUTS. Just do it. For yourself, and for everyone else. No one likes being a pickle.

Me: Pickles ain't that bad.

Ryu: What, you've tried one?

Me: Umm, no.

Ryu: XD

He is right, I suppose. Gah, I better change this stupid habit of mine. XD

Ryu: That's the spirit!

Me: =)

Ryu: 0.0 This is probably the most I've interrupted in your blog post, Allie. I, uh...umm...sorry.

Me: It's awrite. =D

Ryu: I-if ya say so. *waves at you* Hi there.

And that concludes my post for today. I'll probably talk about UiTM later, with pictures, of course. XD

Ryu: WHAT?! HEY! I WAS SUPPOSE TO GET MORE SCREENTIME!

Me: Maybe later, Ryu. =3

Ryu: That's a promise.

Me: =3

Salut!

2008-07-23T12:46:00.003+08:00

Yes, it appears that I have chosen a new skin for my blog. Sad to say, I can't find the link to the skin's link to get the original picture. So yes, I may have to drop that skin for now.

Such a shame, it had a wonderful layout, making use of both sides in the blog. Really, why can't other skins work like that? Why do they have to cram EVERYTHING on one end or the other? And do not question me on navigational blogs. I find those terribly annoying and I know most of you can't be bothered to click on those pesky little icons just to read my blog, eh?

Bah, enough of my complaints.

OFFICIAL DATE OF RETURN: THURSDAY (24th of July 2008)

OFFICIAL TIME OF RETURN: Afternoon

But I'll most probably be going to the hospital first. My father rang me up yesterday eve and told me that I had a new cousin in the family. Well, I was munching my kebabs and lekors when I heard the news so my mind didn't exactly process that information right. When he mentioned my aunt, I quickly remembered. XD

So yes, another new bouncing bundle of joy in my family. Pure joy.

Hmm, aside from that, I suppose there's nothing much.

OH YES. I WANT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT ONE THING.

TO QUIT UITM, I HAVE TO RUN AROUND AND COLLECT SIGNATURES FROM THE IMPORTANT PEOPLE. AND NO, I CANNOT DO IT WITH CONVENIENCE.

I HAVE TO GET IT IN ORDER.

ORDER.

ALLOW ME TO ENGRAVE THAT WORD INTO YOUR VERY HEADS.

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF ONE OFFICE IS AT THE OTHER END OF THE CAMPUS, I HAVE TO GET IT IN

GOD, I'M BLOODY PISSED WITH THE SIGNATURE SYSTEM. REALLY.

Thank you for your time. Hope to see all of you soon, my friends. Farewell. =)

She's Coming Back

2008-07-22T13:35:00.000+08:00

This is torturing.

I have both my Father and Mother begging me to either go back to Taylor's or stay here in UiTM. BEGGING, mind you, not telling.

Part of me wants me to act like the cruel person I can be and just run off to somewhere, but that's not how things work, isn't it? And so yes, I decided to take a stand.

As much as I love it here in UiTM, I feel like it won't truly help with my studies. Though it will benefit others around me (because I had a year of Foundation and a semester of Degree), it most certainly won't benefit me.

As much as I love my friends here in UiTM, I must put my responsibilities and my thoughts for my future as high as possible. True, they are the nicest bunch of people I've ever met (oh, don't take this comment to heart, my fellow Taylorians, you're all very nice too), but I can't let that thought stop me from making the right decision.

Right? Do you think it's right?

My Mother thinks I'm making the wrong decision to go back to Taylor's. My Father thinks otherwise. Well, we both can tell that they're both biased thoughts, but I have to choose a side somehow, right?

And as much as I want to remain here, my heart still goes back to Taylor's. I want to complete my Degree there, and then get a proper job with my own income so that I can help my sister later when she enters her tertiary education level. And I have to admit, 5 years in University is a waste of time when I'm already close to completing my Degree with UniSA (2 1/2 years to go).

And I don't want to be so far away from home. Especially far away from my sister.

She needs me. We both need each other.

So, I have made my decision. I will return to Taylor's, probably around this week. And because of that, my Mother will cancel my loan and will not contribute a single cent in my education in Taylor's. My Degree in Journalism will be fully sponsored by my Father and only him.

*sighs* Anything to protect one's pride, eh? O Mother, I love you so.

Horrible Work

2008-07-14T12:13:00.005+08:00

You could say that, and at the same time, you could say something even more different altogether. Ah well, who am I kidding?

I wrote a little poem during class. Of course, I was never one for poems, but it was our lecturer that made us do it. No, I'm not blaming her. In fact, I think she's actually doing a good job. A very good job.

It happens every time we have our English class and after doing exercises here and there. I must admit that she has sharp eyes because once she notices our boredom, she would tell us to shut our books and ask us to do something fun in return. Well, it's fun for me because I love to write. And so today, she asked us to write a poem on something that is not present in the classroom.

Some wrote on food, others on the loved ones, their homes, or their nice little rooms. My friend sitting next to me wrote on her writer's block. XD

Me? Well, I'm sure most of you know what I would write on...but blah! This is my blog! XD And since I didn't get the chance to present my poem in front of my classroom, I'll type it in here for other people to see it (that is, if there is any who would bother to read it).

My eyes read the words,
My ears listen to her voice;
But vision shows me swords
with cacophonies of noise.

Jaime Lannister and Lyanna Stark,
A Feast For Crows and A Dance With Dragons;
Two characters that has been marked,
Two books I wish to covet.

I dreamt I was a knight,
Riding gallantly in battle;
Oh, but it gave such a fright,
When she gave me works to settle.

My mind drifts anyway,
To worlds strange and unknown;
But it didn't stay that way,
When verbs of two were shown.

Someone help me please!
I hear voices in the back of my head
filled with promises so sweet and ease
that will soon leave my mind dead.

Blah, it can't be helped, some sentences didn't even make sense, but the word 'she' was meant to be my lecturer. I could have done better if there was food in my tummy. Oh well, tough luck.

Then again, I was never one for poems. Deciphering one was hell, what more, writing them down word by word.

Ah, yesterday was a fun day in town (Mahkota Parade, to be precise), I must say. But the process to get there is...hell (THE BUS, THE HORRIBLE BUS, GOD SAVE US WHEN WE RODE IN IT). Yes, is there anything worse than hell? Hm, I can't quite say because I've never experienced hell before, so I'll just use whatever that is closest to that kind of experience.

Boredom.

But then again, it is not exactly boredom. I had eye candies to sweeten my little heart and provide some entertainment for my watchful eyes. Hmm, and there was a movie too but I've already watched that movie, sadly. Then again, seeing that nice shot of that actor who played Wesley Gibson in "Wanted" was good enough.

And I got my hot pants! =D Sadly, I can't show you any pics yet because I've been terribly busy lately. We're already got our first assignment (for AGAMA. =.= And it has to be done in MALAY). When was the last time I wrote anything in Malay? XD

Oh well. And as for my decision, I still have yet to decide whether I would be staying or going. Perhaps by the 21st of July...or somewhere in that week.

Well, that's all for today, my friends. I do hope I can update my blog soon.

Until then, farewell.

Here I Am

2008-07-06T18:02:00.006+08:00

I have finally found an internet hotspot! Well, it's more of a cyber cafe, but meh, for now, whatever works.

I just came back from my Father's today, and I must say, I missed home. Terribly. I miss the freedom I have to go here and there; I miss my late night sleeps and late night wakes; I miss my friends and beloved; I miss the malls; I miss eating good food; I miss my PS2; I miss my room; I miss the TV; I miss the Internet (shaddup, the ones at home is faster~ XD); I miss my piano...

If I actually went on, the list would take me days to finish~

Oh well, so far so good. Orientation was hell, and I tell ya, sleeping at 1am and getting up at 3am is NOT a nice feeling. PLUS, hiking in campus IN your baju kurung is NOT a nice feeling. PLUS, having your lunch/breakfast/dinner with the seniors yelling at you to hurry is NOT a nice feeling.

Oh, and bugs are nasty.

Otherwise, it was a real good experience. I feel like I was back in my scouting days, only this one is a wee bit...tougher than usual. AND, I'm in baju kurung.

I bet you all are enjoying your holidays now, aren't ya? Well, most of ya. Some of ya will be busy with the Carnival, eh? Oh well...

I have made friends here, in fact, plenty. Some turned out to be better than I expected 'em to be, and some prove to be more intellectual and smarter than those back in Taylor's (no, not that I'm calling y'all stupid or anything, it's just that I've met some people in Taylor's who are...well...you get the idea). I was truly surprised.

Well, so far, my feelings for UiTM is nothing but a mixture of hate and love. Its ranking is slightly below Taylor's...but yea, I'm getting used to this place now. XD

As for whether I'll be staying for good or not, I've yet to decide. My classes have not started and I am in no place to judge this place based on the sufferings I went through the orientation. So yea...still waiting.

I shall decide on the third week of July. And if I do return, you will see me on that particular weekend itself.

Until then, so long and farewell. Enjoy thy holidays and...well, I pray that I'll survive this.

PS: I MISS YOU. I MISS ALL OF YOU. I MISS YOU ALL SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.

Farewell

2008-06-23T11:53:00.003+08:00

My holidays are near its end, it seems. Unlike the rest of you who have a month's worth of holiday, I only have a week. Well, to be precise, 4 more days.

*sigh*

I feel like I'm wasting time by just going to Melaka for only a month and coming back, only to continue in Taylor's. Mother told me to go there with an open mind, which, I think is quite fair. Father fears that I might change my mind and ruin his plans. Mother thinks Father's plan to send me to Adelaide and my sister to a boarding school is just like taking us both away from her.

Ah well, whatever. I'm closing both ears on 'em and just do what I think is right. For my sake and my sister's.

I'm going. For a month. And with an open mind.

...doesn't quite suit there, but heck. That one month may be the time for me to really think.

Ryu: It's a bit weird, isn't it? I mean, WHY the hell would you just throw away the years of your life by taking a Diploma when you've already finished your first sem Degree?

Me: ...Ask Mother.

Ryu: *sigh*

This will be the last post for the week...at least until I find my internet connection there. Until then, farewell.

Till next we meet, my friends.

OH, THE HUGE TAG~!

2008-06-22T21:03:00.002+08:00

Woo-hoo, it's THE TAG STRIKES BACK. I was thinking about writing another story to add up to my Mind Ramblings list. XD But heck, thanks Chelly~ YAAY! TAAAG!

- - -

1. Have you been trying to avoid something or someone?
If I had it my way, I'd avoid both my parents (biological ones) and avoid this issue of me going to local or private uni. Bad headaches. Real bad headaches.

2. Where will you go if someone sponsors you a tour ticket?
TOKYO! And maybe anywhere in Europe? =D I've never heard of a concert in Austria though. =/

3. Whats your favourite thing to do?
Lie down and let my mind enter that world of mine to continue some stories in it. XD And thinking of new ideas for new stories.

4.Do you think money can buy happiness?
Depends on the situation. =3

5.If you can have one dream to come true, what would it be?
To rule the world. =3 Yes, I dream big.

6.Do you believe u will survive without money?
Uhh...no. Sadly.

7.What are you afraid to lose the most?
My imaginations and inspirations.

8.If you win $1million, what would u do?
I pray I will win that one day. XD Of course, I'll keep the half for my sister's and mine's education, buy a penthouse in KL (or Mont' Kiara), buy a Toyota Vios, a PS3, an XBox 360, a Nintendo Wii, a Nintendo DS, a nice cottage in Germany (near the Black Forest), oh wow...and a hell lot more.

9.What is the most recent embarrasing thing you have done?
Walking like a zombie in One Utama earlier today. My whole body's sore and I can't...walk...properly, nor can I swing my arms or squat, or bend down, and it HURTS even when I try to SIT DOWN. ;__;

10.When did you last hug someone? and who was it?
Yeterday with Rae, Chelly, and Debs~! =D (I think I did, didn't I?)

11.Write down 1 bad point of the person who tagged you.
She seems like a scawy mother sometimes. 0_0

12.What do you think you'll be doing in 10 yrs time?
I'll probably be married and have my firstborn son, Rhaegar, and writing my next bestselling book while working as a freelance journalist from different magazines. XD

13.Would you date someone who's at least 10 yrs older or younger?
I'd rather older, actually. After all, the one with me right now is 2 years older, why not? XD But not too old, of course. 10's the maximum. And it's a no-no for 10 years younger when I myself can't stand one who's a year younger than I am.

14.What is your ambition?
To be an accomplished writer and to be the first to have a good fantasy-genre novel in Malaysia.

15.Do you believe in Love in First Sight?
It happened to me, and now I'm with him. Sure, there are some ups and downs, but we're together now and still maintaining. 8 months plus. XD Love him, very much.

16.What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
The mind and its ability to think.

17. latest craze?
ONLINE BLOG SHOPPING TOO. And Zettai Kareshii~! Courtesy of Rae! Ooh~! And the Kanjani8 as well as the Eito Rangers! =D XDDD

18.If you have a chance, which part of your character do you like to change?
My hair. My hair. My hair.
And my speech and my presentation skills. I'm horrible at those.

19. Superpowers, anyone?
Hell yes. I'd like to be Lucifer's equal~ XD (In Nocturne and Sandman, well, they're the only Lucifers I know and they seem pretty cool)

20.Do you hate being tagged??
It depends. =3

THAT'S WHAT THE BOTTLE SAYS! Instructions: Remove 1 question from above, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chatbox that he/she has been tagged.

Here are the 8 people.
Joseph, Jason, Mistcakes, Russell, Jo Lyn (NEW VICTIM, HAHA!), Sawwaa!, Winnie, Quickening~

Yesterday and Today

2008-06-21T17:58:00.009+08:00

Aah, how I wish I could turn back time and just go through that experience again.

Well, maybe our "Mean Girls" project was not THE best project to experience once more, but well, if possible, I'd very much like to go back to the past and see myself experiencing it. The me in that past will be the one acting it out while the present me will be watching it like watching a movie. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

God, and the things we all did. It was stupid, but hilarious as well. XD

And the amount of camwhore was...unbelievable. Well, yea, for someone like me. Most of them were taken in the car (Jason drove the car, btw. XD).

I found this rather sexy. Both Julia and Debbie with the moving background behind 'em. It was so pwetty~

Car was moving, but we're all still itchin' to take pictures in it~! XD

And templates were fun to play around with~! XD

Aaw, Rae~~

LOL, Debs~

Jason's eye~ XDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

And here are pictures from my dad's workshop. We shot the scene where Damian, Janis, and Cady were discussing on how to "destroy" the so called "Plastics". But after that, my Dad took the car and went off to god-knows-where~ So we were left to wait until he comes back with the car. And so, for entertainment, we forced the camera to love us~!

LOL, they were all messy and not clear. But heck, it was fun~ XD We were abusing the "Burst" function of the camera. Oh well, but the best picture of that project was won by none other than...

MR. GEOFFREY YEOW ZEFENG, OUR VOLUNTARY MAN WHOSE ROLE WAS "RANDOM PERSON", WEARING CHEL'S POOR HOODIE!

*applauds*

LOL. Poor guy, really.

Our movie was...okay, I suppose. I remember the time when we were all planning to stay up to do the whole editing and storyboard work thingie, and one by one, we fell to the floor like dead flies. It began with Julia (who had the comfort of the couch outside the room), and then Rae (who asked for a 5 minute break, which later turned out to be 10 minutes), and then Chel (who...apparently fell asleep without warning), and then Debbie (who requested for a "short" break, if I wasn't wrong).

Last but not least, me. I got sick of editing the videos and I was bloody tired too. I looked around and saw that no one was arsed enough to get up, so I decided to go to sleep too.

And I slept. XD

Oh well, those were the days. It was really exciting and fun~! XD Perhaps as fun as today's carnival at Sri Hartamas, I suppose. I was too lazy to take pictures and I'm too lazy to chronicle my journey of tireness here in this entry, but I DO have some pictures.

And a short documentary on Player Red&White Stripes; Geoffrey Yeow Zefeng~!

And an unexpected event occured in the next one...

Hee~! Ball-KICKKUUU~~~~!!!!!

Well, that's it for today, my friends.

PS: Rae, Chel, Debs, and Jules; be sure to check your inbox today for something special~ =3

Mind Ramblings #1

2008-06-18T10:13:00.003+08:00

Shimmering moonlight, nightly daze,
Ethereal beings in a dance of dismay;
Movements in faze, gliding with laze,
Death comes close by, at the light of the day.

So softly,
So sweetly...

The Act of Splurging

2008-06-13T18:13:00.006+08:00

While doing my report, I was browsing through some of these online blogshops that sells clothes. Well, let's just say I found one that I really like, but it was sold out. However, this one attracted me as well...

Lovely black dress for only RM 27. Available here at Pretty Little Petals. But meh, I ordered it already~ XD But check it out, there are other neat stuff here too and also in other online blogshops. You can get there from the cbox they hosted for advertisements. Be careful of the ones from S'pore though. Not that they're selling bad products, but you tend to get a wee bit lazy when it comes to converting your money to S'porean Dollars, eh?

But yea, I'll be rendezvousing the girl at Pyramid next Tuesday to buy me dress~ =3

Ooh~ such nice clothes, really! LOL, and I can't believe I'm getting into this whole...shopping experience thing. Heck, I suppose this is the age where you start to worry about your image, especially when you have a boyfriend. You're always trying to impress him with your looks and dressings, whether you realize it or not. I know I do. XD

PR report is due on Monday, but...I think I'll start later tonight or tomorrow, after fetching me parents from the airport. Gah, busy busy.

Well, I know I have my eyes on this one here once I get my next cash supply from me parents:

Found it here.

Or maybe this one?

Don't mind the gray spot there. My internet has been throwing its tantrums to me lately, so yes, that explains why everything is so goddamn slow. Oh well~ That dress was found here.

Hee~ So many choices, so little money in me pockets. =(

Stray Thoughts, Pieced Together, Strange Jigsaw Pieces of Thoughts

2008-06-11T23:00:00.003+08:00

I see myself typing this down. My fingers moved as my mind dictates. Fingers, obedient fingers, they moved in respond, tapping on the keys of my laptop that represent the letters of the alphabet. Q, W, E, R, T, Y, ...the list goes on.

Yet, as my mind continues to dictate, I as the soul, the host of this vessel, ask myself this question:

WHY THE HELL AM I NOT DOING MY REPORT?

Truly, my boredom increases, and my input-output systems has gone down the drain. The bed is just next to me, with the soft mattress, the oh-so-comfortable blanket, the pillow...heck, I'm even holding on to my panther plushie, Bagheera, with me. At times, I would stop to stroke Bagheera and cuddle it, as though it was a real being. And at times, I do imagine that he is real (just not real enough to pounce me like the giant cat he is~ =S).

Goodness gracious, I feel like a child holding this cotton-stuffed panther in my arms. Yet, strangely, it felt real, comforting, and there is that small hint of love in it. Though dead, it was soft and lovable.

Well, let's get back to the main topic.

As you can see now, I am not doing my report. Of course, I have finished most of it and all that is left is my "problem" section, "discussion", and my "conclusion". Unfortunately, the same problem appeared once more; I am unmotivated.

Although I've had my share of dinner (ate a Whopper Jr. from BK), I could feel my stomach craving for more food. Ignore it, I tell myself, it's just being whiny. Then I lifted my glass and was about to drink from it, when I realise that there was no more water in it. Ah, empty now, eh? I was too lazy to walk out to refill my drink. If I did go though, that will be my 4th time going back to the kitchen to refill my supply of water.

Indeed, my mind is wandering here and there, like those minuscule little round objects you call "matter". The Brown Movement, was it? Sorry, I learned it in the native language, and they called it 'Gerakan Brown'. I was translating it word by word.

But yes, looking at how odd and random my post for today was, I could tell that I am not thinking straight now. In my mind, I see a city and a ramen stall near a drainage hole that leads to an abandoned city. Someone is there, enjoying his meal with another girl. Probably the girl he's dating now. Something else appeared from the drainage hole, something not quite human. It looked human, but an accident turned the poor thing into the next Quasimodo with a more deformed look. Its speech was unintelligible, yet it spoke and expected the others to understand.

I turn away and I see a sickly detective investigating a case that led to the abandoned city. He left the crime scene quickly after gathering his informations and walked into the local prostitute brothel, where he hired two ladies to accompany him for the night. It was in his nature to sleep with as many women as he could. He was addicted to this sport, but his heart remains to only one, his lady wife. But the wife did not see this, sadly, and his love was thrown away. He couldn't help it; hiring whores for him was like smoking cigarettes. He never smoke though, thanks to his medical condition. Funny, he was born with a female name.

That sight was a typical sight for me. I turned away once more and I see a familiar face who had finished counting his stocks on flour and ingredients necessary for his bakery shop. It was an odd hobby for him; he used to be a serial killer once, claiming 23 victims at the point of his blade. This person was only 10 years old when that happened. Perhaps baking took his mind off the killing? Who knows.

But it soon ended with the sight of a man flying across the skies. He had a pair of wings on his back and carried a silver staff with him. Long hair, long beautiful hair...mane of gold. I seem to be able to recall his name, the name I gave him.

Saaya.

Then I remembered.

And I returned to where I first begun; in front of my laptop, facing my 3/4 completed report. Should I finish it now?

Of course I should! It's just a little bit more to go.

But then again, I could finish the rest tomorrow and then bother my rushed assignment on Friday.

...

My heart, body, and mind leaned more to tomorrow than today.

Right, it is settled then! I shall sleep tonight and visit those people. Report will be done tomorrow. And so will everything else regarding that silly subject.

So long to random thoughts. You have never failed to confuse me. Ever.

Taggers, yo

2008-06-10T15:30:00.000+08:00

Oh dear~ A tag! I've got Sawwaa to thank here~ XD Right, let's get on to it, shall we? =D

1) What is the most important thing in your life?B
Knowledge. Pure knowledge.
And love, I suppose. =)

2) What is the last thing that you bought with your own money?
Ikea Meatballs at Ikea, Mutiara Damansara. Sadly. (wish it was a book)

3) Where do you wish to get married?
Actually, we have a two-day plan for our marriage. The first day would be the typical Malay wedding with the relatives and such. So yea, normal stuff.

The next day's the best, of course, because we're only inviting our friends to come. It'll probably be in a ballroom in some hotel (I like Trader's Hotel & Maya Hotel. Pwetty~) and there'll be lots of music and maybe dancing? Band performing on stage and some mini games for all of us to take part~ XDD

4) How old do you think you will be permanently owned by your love?
I am not owned, nor will I ever be permanently owned. He may claim that I am his, but he can never own me, nor can I to him.

5) Are you in love?
For the past 7 + months and beyond, yes!

6) Where was the last restaurant you had dinner?
Itallianies~ Mmm~

7) Name the latest book that you bought?
Feast of Souls by C.S. Friedman. =D

8) What is your full name?
Alissa. The other part shows that I'm my father's daughter, so yes, technically, "Alissa" is my full name.

9) Do you prefer your mother or father?
I'm equal for all four of my parents.

10) Name a person that you really wish to meet in real life for the first time.

Albert Silverberg. XD I just want to know his personality for real~
George R.R. Martin. I'd like to see his stories through his eyes.
Nabi Muhammad S.A.W. I have questions for him. Plenty.
Lucifer. 8D Out of curiosity, of course~ XD
Cielo from SMT: DDS!! He'd be a fun guy to hang out with~ XDD

11) Christina or Britney?
Used to be a big fan of Britney...until that day. Talent-wise, Christina.

12) Do you do your own laundry?
Used to. XD

13) The most exciting place you want to go?
Austria! Paris! Damascus! Greece! Nice! Scotland! Ireland! London! Turkey!
Too many! XD

14) Hugs or kisses?
Kisses, mostly. But hugs when I really feel like I need it.

15) Point out 5 things about the person who tagged you.
Sarah!

She's funny.
Very down-to-earth.
Spunky~!
Hates fresh wheatgrass juice, even though it's served with a slice of orange. =P
Absolutely adores shopping~ (and makes shopping a nice experience too~ =D)

16)8 things I am passionate about:

My stories.
My imaginary friends/personae, etc.
My books.
My friends & beloved.
Family.
My life.
My choices.
My FOOOOOOOOD.

17) 8 things I say too often:

Mangkuk
Oh fuck.
NOOOOOOO
Nyaaa
*whimper*
God...
Goodness gracious.
Love, darling, dear.

18)8 books I've read recently:

Going Postal by Terry Pratchett
A Storm of Swords by George R.R. Martin
A Clash of Kings by George R.R. Martin
A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin
The Bitterbynde Trilogy by Cecilia Dart-Thornton
The Well of Echoes Series by Ian Irvine
Life of Pi by Yann Martel (still reading)
Feast of Souls by C.S. Friedman (still reading)

19)8 songs I could listen to over and over again: (and I'm serious about this)

Kiri by Monoral (OP song for Ergo Proxy)
Hari-Hara - The Second Movement (Last Boss Theme Song in SMT: DDS)
Divine Identity by Shoji Meguro (Last Boss Theme Song in SMT: DDS2)
Aufsteigende Flügel by Masashi Hamauzu (Hence, the name of my blog~ XD)
Scarborough Fair/Canticle by Simon and Garfunkle
Test by Little Dragon
Traveling by Utada Hikaru
Seiken Densetsu 3 Obsessión Nocturnal OC ReMix by Sixto Sounds

20)8 things I learned last year:

Greed is bad. Really bad.
I need not search anymore. He is already with me. =)
My siblings are my siblings, and as the eldest, it is my duty to look after them.
Never, EVER, say anything about my Mother to my Mom. Vice versa.
Think of nothing but my education.
Men who are younger than you are idiots when it comes to relationships.
Allocate my time with beloved and friends.
"Hakuna Matata" helps bring out the best in you. =)

8 people to tag:-

Rae!
Chel!
Debbie!
Mistcakes!
Russell!
Jo-Lyn!
Rashionized!
Tash!

That's it for the tag, luv~ Until then, farewell~ XD

Hee-Hoo~

2008-06-09T19:58:00.005+08:00

Comrades!

'Tis been eons since we last met for a little tale by the campfire, eh? Ah, but I must admit, some tales remain as tales while most became what it is today. Reality. However, 'tis time for me to correct the errs and bring justice upon these wronged facts! The truth and lies will be brought to trial before the judge of the world!

Aye, I digress, yet as a storyteller, a chronicler, 'tis my obligation to tell you a story. A proper one, no? Ah yes, let us continue from where we left off, eh?

Hmm, the last we stopped was at the part where my journey begins anew in another place, away from my loved ones and companions. A journey that will take me into another city, where skyscrapers remain as mere dreams, and the nightlife filled with orchestras of crickets; yes, such is the life of this new city.

Yet, my journey here was thwarted with the qualms of my heart and the tension in the house. My decision was swift and just, but my heart tore at the choice I made.

What about you? What about me? What about what I want? What about what I truly feel?

"What about what I want?" was the very first question I asked my Mother when she raised this issue on me signing up for UiTM. And her only reply was "Don't disappoint me,".

My recent visit to my grandfather's changed my mind once more, and all of my aunts and uncles reminded me that when it comes to education, the parents would do their utmost for their children. I learned how my grandparents had to sacrifices some of their gold and the struggle they went through to just pay for my father's and aunt's schools.

"I don't want my Father to struggle too much, I mean, well, it's a lot to pay compared to going to UiTM," I said to all of them.

"So you're going there for the sake of money?"

"No, I..." I had to come clean with this. I'm not one to lie with my tongue, "Yes,"

My father spoke up, "Alissa, if I don't have the money, I wouldn't have sent you there in the first place, would I?"

I thought again; this was true. He had no hesitance. In fact, he was encouraging me to go, to continue in Taylor's.

"Alissa, you're already in a University, doing your DEGREE. And you'd rather step down to spend more years doing Diploma?" he asked me again.

I was silent. Once more, he was true. Although my Foundation was only a year, it was basically everything combined into one. Though not as deep as Diploma, it was enough for me to enter Degree.

"But Mama has already paid for the fees. I'll be wasting her money," I retorted, defending my Mother (this happens in both houses. I defend my Father when my Mother disses about him, and I defend my Mother when my Father talks about her).

My uncle spoke up, "Well, if you go to UiTM, you'd be wasting money too. A lot of money, all those thousands of ringgits your Father spent on all those three semesters of Foundation. Tell me, which one's the wasted one?"

Another point proven.

My position was shaky, for I was the only one defending my Mother against all of them here. No, I do not detest them for their points, merely because, deep in me, I do want to stay. I want to remain in Taylor's, with my friends, with the lecturers I know, and with beloved. Heck, I have an event to run with my colleagues! And I'm the secretary! I can't just abandon my post!

I want to stay. I want to stay. I want to stay.

Of course, the news was not pleasant to my Mother's ears, and she blames my Father for brainwashing me. Well, no surprise there. My Father was the one who blamed my Mother for brainwashing me when I chose to go to UiTM. They're constantly at each other's throat. *Sigh* Thank god they're divorced, really.

So, in the midst of all the chaos, I took shelter at my Father's while I try to explain to her. I know, it was my fault for suddenly coming up with this, but truly, you must understand. I do not want this from the beginning. You could say I was forced, but...in a way, I believe sympathy and guilt played a part in my choice as well.

In the end, my Mother made a deal with me.

I will be going to UiTM this 28th of June. But just for a month. Once nearing the end of July, I will decide to either stay there or go back to Taylor's.

I knew what I wanted already.

Then again, I can't be too sure about it. My mind, mood, and heart changes. But to be away from my beloved, my PS2, my books, my bookstores, my sister who needs me the most, my city...'tis painful.

I told that to Mother.

"You'll be doing the same thing anyway when your Father sends you to Adelaide, that is, IF he does sends you there. You're still leaving your siblings here. What difference does it make?" she replied.

GAH.

Why can't I...make my decisions peacefully? Am I not old enough to make them?

Truly, I am tired. But that's not all, I have other assignments to worry about, my job as a secretary, and my other responsibilities as well.

Let's just move away from that topic, I'm too sored to talk about it anymore.

I managed to finish my minutes this early early morn! =D And by that, I meant 1:20am. Strangely, I felt wide awake and I felt my creative juices filling my thoughts. And so in my email with the minutes attached in it, I wrote this as the opening act/scene to my proper message in my email:

Hee-hoo to my fellow friends, '
Tis I, comrade Hermes in disguise,
Delivering thee some news, some sense,
Lest we all wander, in a great many lies.

To work, my friends!
To arms, comrades!
Many trials await,
Many battles we fight!

Until the Reckoning comes,
Where all is decided.

Shaddup. I know the 2nd and 3rd stanzas did not rhyme like the 1st. I was already lazy after that.

LOL. After the proper message, I sent it to the ones who should be receiving the minutes of the meeting.

Oh well. I'm looking forward to any new surprises my mind could offer me. Truly, the mind is a very mysterious being.

Update for Neji

2008-05-31T12:32:00.002+08:00

All right, this will be done swiftly to avoid any...confusion amongst yourselves (not that you're interested now, are you?).

UPDATES!

I will not be going to UiTM after much discussion and also after finding out that my Father can still provide the money for my education in Taylor's;
I am loaded with assignments (explains why I didn't update);
I am currently not in good terms with my Mother thanks to this (assignments and my decision);
I am hungry. Terribly hungry;
I have finally witnessed the new RM50 notes;
I am...well...tired. Very tired.
And I love Aiman. =3

That's all for today! =D More will be explained later!

A New Path

2008-05-08T07:19:00.004+08:00

I've been such a whiny brat when it comes to universities. The thought of me going back to the same hell hole that I've suffered in for 2 whole years was loathing. Terribly loathing.

I have always been a little annoyed by Malays (despite the fact that some of them are my friends, and my beloved), well, not all of them. Some. Those that I was forced to mingle with back then, that was the one I was referring to. Yes, I know I sound very arrogant here, but the thought of them really gets on my nerve sometimes. Throughout these years, I have grew up with a certain hatred for my own race, often arguing with my Dad about them and telling my Mother that I was right about them Malays.

Yet, it feels a little different now.

I don't know when I started to actually feel all right with them. Probably after the death of my late uncle, I presume. Judging from his written works, I was somehow able to change my mind about them. My late uncle, despite how wise he may seem than anyone else I know, supports the Malay and was truly proud of his written work for both languages. Though, from my point of view, it seems that he enjoys our mother tongue more.

For some reason, I feel more appreciative of my race, and even my language. Well, not to the point where I would speak in Bahasa Malaysia 24/7. Just, well, I come to truly appreciate the mother tongue. That, and perhaps a bit of my own race itself.

With that, my perception on local universities changed even more. I begin to actually like the idea of going there.

But the thought of leaving my friends and beloved stops me from going. The thought of...not seeing them for a very long time made me cry. I knew I could not stand the thought of not seeing my friends and beloved like I used to before this. And because of that, I chose not to go. Besides, I have the loan with me (though I'm not sure when it'll come though), that should be enough. Right?

The first time I saw the offer to go to UiTM on the website itself, I prayed hard that it was not the campus in Melaka. Well, I suppose I've asked enough prayers from God, it seems, for on that day, He has decided to bestow a great challenge instead of a blessing. The words were clearly written there on the screen:

Sila datang mendaftar di tempat yang ditetapkan.

Tempat:
UITM KAMPUS ALOR GAJAH
KM 26 JALAN LENDU, 78000 ALOR GAJAH, MELAKA

Tarikh:
28/06/2008

Masa:
8:30AM - 4:30PM

At that moment, I felt like breaking down.

A part of me screamed at me, "You pathetic little girl, it's just MELAKA. Think about your cousin who went ALL THE WAY to the UiTM in JOHOR. Think how FAR AWAY that is from your place,"

But my timid, little voice spoke up to that angry voice, "It's still far...from home...from friends..." I gulped, "From beloved,"

The angry voice sighed; "Look, Alissa. If he really is the one for you, he would wait. If he proves to be different from any other men and if he truly wants you,

he would wait,"

But still, I was hesitant and my thoughts were even more screwed up when I told him about it. I was worried. And fearful. I fear to leave him, I fear that he might find someone else when I am currently desperately and deeply in love with him. I fear the thought of losing him.

I fear the distance.

So, like the whiny child I am, I cried for two nights, whining at Saaya (my imaginary friend) and just pouring it all out on him for those two nights in the dark. I simply couldn't bear the thought of being apart from him. I mean, we just got back together six months back after him forgiving me for my blunder in the last one. This time, I truly knew what it felt to love someone with all your heart and soul. It was a wonderful feeling when you feel it, but it also carries the painful burden of distance. Yes, this is the kind of relationship I am in now, one where proximity is of the utmost importance in maintaining trust and love.

One morning, I woke up and told myself that I will not go. But by me saying this, I only had him and my friends in mind. Education? Well, that was somewhere down there. My friends and beloved were on the top of the top of my reasons. So yes, I've actually planned out my words and what to do and how to act when I break the news to my Mother and Dad.

But on that day itself, my Mother returned early from her work and gave me a letter that was addressed to me. I could see the logo and I knew what it was the moment I held it in my hands.

It was the official letter. They even included the student guidebook in it.

My Mother told me to read it and left me alone for a quite a while. There, I saw the wonders of a local university.

RM400 a YEAR. A YEAR, DO YOU HEAR ME? RM400 FOR A YEAR, THAT'S LIKE...RM200 FOR A SEMESTER! Add that with a few other itty gritty details, you get the total sum of RM558! That, and the beauty of a local university is that the government is sponsoring like...95% of it. The original fees were pretty much similar to Taylor's (around RM9, 500 and above), but the government paid RM8, 000 something, and all WE have to do is just pay RM400 (in my case, RM558). It's SUCH a good offer.

And despite all that my cousin has said about UiTM, a friend of my Mother's who studied in the Melaka said that the campus got even better and all.

At this point, I was already crying and laughing at the same time. I couldn't tell whether it was out of joy or sorrow. Perhaps a mixture of both, or perhaps it was something else. I couldn't find the words to describe it, but yes, I felt it and it was very strong. And it was there where I made up my mind.

I want to go.

My desire to discover new paths and places was stronger than my desire to stay and remain. I thought of myself as a nomad, in a strange sort of way, when I was thinking about this.

But I would only tell my Mother that I chose to go today.

And him, my beloved.

I just pray that he would understand my decision. It isn't because I wanted to be apart from him, NO. No more. Though going to UiTM is not my true dream, but going to a REAL campus and experiencing life there is a whole different world. And I have already mentioned in my little essay I wrote during my interview, I WANT to make a change there. I WANT to change the people's perception on UiTM. I want and I will show and prove to them that it is as good as any Universities out there.

So yes. It will be any moment now before he arrives and I tell him. After all, I promised to tell him first before my Mother.

I just hope...I truly hope he will understand. And I truly hope he is the one for me.

Blegh, it's only a 4 1/2 years course, like how he is now in Taylor's. =P Shouldn't be a problem.

So yes, I will be gone by the 28th of June 2008. Of course, I'll be able to finish my first semester here, but after that, I won't be seeing all of you for the second semester. =) Not that it makes any difference now, does it? I'm just here, and then I'm gone.

Oh well, that's enough for today. And thank you for any of you who were kind enough to read this from top to bottom and understand why I chose to do this. Thank you, and I pray that you will always be happy. =3

10 Minutes Left

2008-05-02T07:50:00.002+08:00

~looping "Final Battle", Lucifer's Battle Theme Song, soundtrack from Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne~

I'm typing this down, knowing that I will be presenting in another 10 minutes (5, actually. I was looking elsewhere =P ). Let me just give you a little update on what's going on with me right now~

I am currently suffering from Herpes/Cold Sore on the bottom part of my lips.
My youngest sister on my Mother's side, Bella, is in the hospital.
I HAVE ACCESS TO MY MOTHER'S CAR! WOOTS!
I am seriously contemplating on going to UiTM.
I want something to eat. Now.
I want to see him before he leaves. ;__;
I've been missing a lot of my aunt's kenduri for my late Uncle.
I bought two of Pak Long's new books (Failed Nation? and Social Roots of the Malay Left)
We played netball at Julia's sports thingie yesterday at Matsushita Sport's Complex and got second place! (lucky for us amateurs~ XD)
I am thinking on creating a new female character in Bedlam.

And that is it. More elaboration to come...well, soon. Ooh! And, and, and~ I'll be changing my number to a digi number, so I expect all of ya ta...well...get the hang of it. Hehe~

-Over and out-

Play the Dirges, Sing the Threnodies

2008-04-24T13:14:00.005+08:00

If I could do something, I really wish I could. If I could change something, I would really try my best to do so even though I don't seem like the type who would actually fulfill such a thing. Then again, it all comes down to "if". The word "If" itself is...like a sign of false hope when it comes to matters like these. They either bring you to tears for the things you could have, should have, and would have done...or just...I don't know. Whatever it is, it hurts. A lot.

It is said that only in death will your life be eternal. By that, they meant that you'll only be truly remembered when you die.

But I won't touch on that, no, because I believe this man deserves far more than that.

Rustam Abdullah Sani, or better known as "Pak Long" among my sisters and cousins, is my late uncle who passed away yesterday. Of course, the newspaper articles can briefly explain on who he was and all. But here, I shall enlighten you about him in many ways, perhaps in ways you never expected him to be (well, I can't really cover much since I don't have much time to do this properly, so I'll just do what I can).

First and foremost, he was, is, and is still a great man. He is an academician, a newspaper columnist, a poet, besides being involved in a lot of political, social, and literary activities (taken from his blog profile, Profil Rustam). Pak Long completed his education in areas relating to Sociological Theory, Political Theory, Malay Nationalism, and many others.

He has written plenty of books and won many awards and achievements for his work. Pak Long's works were mainly on the political and economic history of Malaysia and how it slowly developed till this day. Aside from that, he also delved deep into the issues of the Malays here in Malaysia and notes the diminishing nationalism within its citizen. Pak Long also has his literary works and one of the famous work was his anthology of poems, Riak-Riak Kecil, composed in the year 1977, and won the National Literature Award for 1988/1989.

And to top it all up, he was also in charge on translating the Doraemon mangas and cartoon. Heck, even Mr. Fujiko (creator of Doraemon) came down to visit him. I can't quite remember whether he did the translation for the comic or the cartoon, but I do know he was involved with something of the sort. Forgive me for my lack of knowledge in this.

But that's the Pak Long I don't know. The Pak Long that I knew was a responsible father and a loving husband to my aunt, Mak Long (Rohani). He has two children from his marriage (who were automatically my cousin by blood =P), Azrani (his son, known as Abang Azie on our end) and Ariani (his daughter, but we know her as Kak Rini~). Not too long ago, Abang Azie was married to Kak Salha (I...forgot if we had any cutesy-wutesy nickname for her but this was the one I remember) and they both had an adorable little girl named Arissa (she's two years old, I believe. Or was it three? ^_^; I've lost my count~ too many siblings on my end here, lol~). Yes, believe me, I always get confused whenever they call out her name because they both sound the same.

Arissa~ Alissa~ Just kick the L away and replace it with an R. Hehe~ It's a pretty name for my niece, nonetheless.

So yes! Pak Long was officially a grandpa, and a happy grandpa he was.

Yet, despite it all, I never truly got to know my uncle that well. In fact, I don't believe we've actually talked properly (except for that one time when everyone else was discussing on the house inheritence, or something. I was talking to him about the things I learned in Malaysia Media History). I knew all these things about him from my Mother, who kept encouraging me to talk to him because we're both pretty much in the same field and perhaps, we even see eye-to-eye. Unfortunately, that has not been proven right, yet, or rather, it was a bit too late for me to do so.

Since I rarely talk to him, I simply try to observe him during my free time (if my sister was not bugging me to entertain her =P). From what I notice, Pak Long turned out to be a really nice uncle. Honestly, I was a wee bit scared of him since he looked as...scary-looking as my Father. But he was really nice and jovial. Heck, I like his jokes too~ But...well, like I said, I didn't stick around long enough to hear more. Aside from that, he seemed very...wise and has that silent strength about him. I often imagined him as a tactician of some sort and took some of that characteristic to be applied in the characters in my story. Hehe, they turn out to be pretty cool and interesting enough for me to develop later in the story.

But yes, that is the most I could say about him. I truly wish I knew him better, then perhaps we could go into a professional discussion and exchange ideas. But maybe, it's not just that. Maybe I'd like to know him as a person on his own. I'm sure someone like him has many stories to tell.

*sigh*

At any rate, he will be remembered. Not just as a very active political activist or a famous writer, but also as a loving father, grandfather, and uncle to us all. And he will be remembered as the man who once lived in this world, a human who once did what he think was right, and as an individual who strived to change the fate of this country.

Here's to you, Rustam A. Sani.

Here's to you, Pak Long.

And once more to you, the man who I never truly got to know.

You will be remembered and cherished.

From the niece who never really had the chance to talk to you properly,

Alissa

PS: Pak Long was suppose to have a book launch this Saturday (26th of April, 2008) at Shah Alam's Public Library. But due to this unfortunate event, the book launch will be as a tribute to his passing. If anyone's interested in going, do please give me a call (012-6609142) and I'll tell you the time and how to get there.

For the past few days...

2008-04-16T17:03:00.004+08:00

-looping "Test" by Little Dragon-

Yes, forgive me for my typo, TASH. And forgive me for not posting for so long. PR has taken most of my time.

Well, to be precise, Bedlam was the cause of it. XD I created a new character in there so yes. Most of my time was used to develop that character's personality and background history, but I'm still a wee bit confused about this character. His name is Seere, by the way. A demon of the Ars Goetia and an androgynous being as well, but mostly referred to as a "he". And yes, I'm still thinking hard on his personality.

In my mind, I had a strange image of him being a very cool-looking person. Book-ish, calm, and collected. But these traits were similar to another character of mine there (Razakel). So yes, scratch all that. And now the thought of a power-hungry demon who would go out of his way to achieve power and supremacy above the rest comes into mind.

But a cooler looking one, of course. Not like those bombastic/flamboyant way of gathering power etc etc. In my mind, I was thinking of Lelouch (Code Geass) or some devious character like my I.F. (Fukami/Rachtna).

Oh well, so much for that. I still need to plan more about Seere and probably develop Razakel's story. (Psst, Razakel is not his real name, it was just a title for those who serve under King Asmodeus. In fact, he's someone else altogether...someone...higher than the other demons in Ars Goetia. Hehehehe...)

Anyway, yes, updates in life.

First news: I got my PTPTN loan! All that is left is to just...sign a few documents here and there, fix those necessary parts and voila! I will be able to withdraw the money to pay my fees for the next semester (and if there's extra, I MIGHT want to use to travel to Brisbane. =3), and pay back the 9k I borrowed from my stepmom for the SSPN account.

Second news: ...yes, nothing much goes around my life. But I suppose the things in my mind right now are both the PTPTN loan and the UiTM interview I went the other day.

Apparently, I need not dance, sing, or act. They just asked me about some of the local movies I watched (I answered Baik Punya Cilok, Pontianak, and Buli. Apparently, the director of the movie 'Mami Jarum' was there and he looked a wee bit pissy when I didn't mention his movie. =S). Strangely though, I found out that I was the only candidate whom they questioned on international movies. So yes, they asked for three, I gave 'em three;

No Country For Old Men
The Usual Suspects
Once

I find it a wee bit hard to explain about The Usual Suspects because...well, truth be told, I don't know how to properly explain the story without spoiling it. Even the interviewers were...well, looked a wee bit confused. Then we started talking about Narnia and he asked me what I thought on the storytelling. First thing that came to mind was the birds that threw rocks on the enemies. From my point of view, I see Narnia as a re-telling of the bible in a different way.

Oh well. Other than that, everything went well. They seem to like me, I guess, though maybe a wee bit...cold. Honestly, they look scary, especially the lady there. But well, they told me that they were afraid that I might choose Communication over this course if they actually offered this course. So...hmm...my chances on getting this course? I'm not entirely sure myself, but my Mother has high hopes on this.

Hehe, and I might seriously consider this course too. It's affordable and...well, I like writing without restrictions. Art is about freedom, and it is within the art of words that I find myself flying freely in the sky.

I gave 'em two of my stories. One of them thought it was a bit too American. O.o...

Right. Well, those weren't my best stories yet. I have more in here, but I was not told to bring any of them with me. =S Sheesh. Talk about competence. *Sigh* Oh well, 'tis not my place to complain. I only pray that I will get it and then, I'll properly decide on whether to continue in Taylor's or to move to UiTM for this course.

Right, that's all for today. I'll be continuing my PR work now. Farewell.

PS: NAH. JOSEPH. AN UPDATE FOR YOU. XDDD