a l l i e

a simple kenning to the common tongue

So here's a slice of real life coming from yours truly:

One:
I'm currently juggling two jobs (one which I have been slightly neglecting...I should get back to work on that. Fast); my tutor job and a part-time at my aunt's science journal in Universiti Malaya. And I do hope to keep these two jobs to keep the money coming, at least till William returns to continue his study here. At the very least, I would be able to help him until he's able to help in return.

Two:
I find myself missing college. A lot. Not just the food, but going there to study and doing assignments. I miss them all. And I miss seeing my friends there. I miss hanging out with them.

Three:
At the same time, I can't wait to graduate from this course, get a job, and support William.

Four:
Dance Dance Revolution (DDR) is my current fad and obsession since my PS2 started scratching my lovely games. I would go to Pyramid every week to practice 3 games, and then leave.

Five:
Paranormal Activity haunts my nights. Even zombies could not beat this. I don't know why, and I do not like it.

Six:
I am half-considering going back to Role-Playing online again. Last time I did, the idiots were...well, idiots. Maybe I should, maybe I shouldn't.

Seven:
Will is not going to have Internet for a while. I'm currently planning my budgets and keeping a good eye on my phone bill. Not to mention, the previous editor of the science journal told me that she was not paid 3 months in a row. That's the reason why she quit and why I got the job. It is worrying. I hope my classes are enough to support me if that were to happen.

Eight:
I like U.M. It has such a nice atmosphere to it, compared to the likes of UiTM. I hope William will enjoy his time studying there and taking part in their activities. Give him the undergraduate student life he deserves, you know? I'll see to it that everything goes well. I swear.

Nine:
Pirate Bay, you will be sorely missed.

Ten:
I have improved in my studies, and I will continue to improve. You won't see me coming, 2010, till I strike!

- - -

The day moved slowly, he realised, perhaps a bit too slow for his liking. He wanted it to go, follow its usual, speedy pace and run. Just keep it moving, as long as this day ended as soon as possible.

But the rain was hard and bitter. It slowed him down, it slowed everyone else down. He found himself hesitating to leave the room, insisting that he should stay and continue on what was left of his paperworks. There were reports to be made, losses to be calculated, amendments to lessen the damage that was already done to this place from the recent war; he was in charge of all these, and he wanted to do it, just to take his mind off it.

There was a knock on his door; "Lord Silverberg," said a solemn voice from behind it, "It is time,"

Yet, as much as he wanted to avoid it, he had to put it all to a hold.

He hated farewells.

"I'm not certain of your rituals here," he replied, taking nothing but his sword that was strapped around his waist as he opened the door, "Where do you conduct the ceremony?"

"By the shores of Gibrantar, where the mighty kings journey beyond the sea,"

- - -

For the first time ever, Gibrantar stood in silence as it watched its king being carried by its loyal knights down the path towards the shores. These men were the men closest to His Majesty back in the days. They were the ones that were true to him till the end of his days.

Not him, no. He was a betrayer.

The kingdoms before Gibrantar were all taken by the Harmonian forces, thanks to his work on digging every bit of information there is about the kingdoms. After all, Harmonia has always been interested to expand their territories and economy. It was the only method he was left to do to clear his name from his crimes and from being exiled.

Yet, something about him changed when he was here in Gibrantar, the last kingdom at the very south of the continent. Till now, he continued to wonder what it was that made him change his views and motives.

Then he looked at the mighty king that once ruled this place, lying peacefully in his coffin. Perhaps that was what changed him; the man himself.

Never has he seen a man so true and honest until he met him. Perplexed would be the best word to describe his initial feelings towards this man. But it soon grew to something he never thought he would feel again; respect and honour.

"His Royal Majesty, King Andovan II..."

The words went on, but he paid no attention to them.

Surrounding the king's coffin were loyal men, true to his cause. They pledged their sword to this man, and silently begged for forgiveness for their failure to protect their king.

Not too far off from the circle of men was Her Highness, Queen Clarisse. She stood tall and proud at the sight of her beloved's passing, yet none could truly fathom the sorrow that muddled her thoughts and dulled her senses. Standing next to the proud queen was the king's young son, Horace. Still a child of seven years, yet he understood the scene shown before him.

The others stood behind him, each murmuring a different prayer for the fallen king.

Yet, when it came to him, there was nothing. He had no prayers, he had no tears, and he had no remorse or any guilt that loomed in his heart like the others. Albert was empty, devoid of feelings and the rational thoughts that made him a renown tactician.

Like the queen herself, he too was numb.

Words were exchanged, prayers were left, and soon, the funeral ended with a mighty push into the sea.

One by one, the people left the shore and returned to their homes. The knights gave their final salute to their king before retreating into the castle.

Soon, it was just the queen, Horace, and himself standing at the shores of Gibrantar.

"Lord Silverberg," she started, her eyes fixed upon the sight of her husband drifting further into the sea, "My husband spoke a great many things of you,"

Albert managed a small smile, "He was a great king. I only gave my very best,"

Queen Clarisse turned to look at him, "You protected us, and you were there when he needed you most,"

"Except for that time,"

And then there was silence. Again. He cursed himself for his own stupidity.

Yet, the queen continued, "He knew his time was coming, Lord Silverberg," she said, "As much as I tried to deny it, I knew it too,"

He only watched her. There was nothing else he could say.

She approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder, "'I trust Albert more than anything. I could only hope that he would forgive me for giving him such a heavy burden to look after Horace for me'" she smiled softly, "Those were his last words to me before I learned of his death,"

Once more, he said nothing.

"Ponder on it, Lord Silverberg," she turned to walk back to the castle with Horace in her hand, "And I will see you at the castle,"

At her departure, he turned to the shores and watched as the last remaining sight of the mighty King Andovan disappeared into the darkening horizon. It was a sight to behold, he thought, with the sun sinking into dusk, carrying the king along with it. Another day ends, another life gone.

He went closer to the shores and stared at the Harmonian emblem engraved on his silver ring. In his mind, he remembered the many troubles he went through to return to Harmonia, his homeland. Yet, all that seemed to have disappeared, and the silver ring eventually lost its meaning.

Silently, he took it off his finger and in a single swing, he threw it into the waters.

"May you forgive me as well for the things I might have done to you, Andovan," he spoke.

With that, he turned and left the shores of Gibrantar.

So the day has finally arrived; the dawn of 2010 (or rather, the noon of the first 2010). I know I forgot to put up my resolutions for last year, but this year, on this very day, I will.

It won't be just mine; it'd be everyone's resolutions in my head.

Aaaaaaaand let us start with the first and eldest in the family, Ayana!

AYANA'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Hm, if all goes well, then I can finally clean up the House once and for all. I will make it a goal to send everyone back to their respective worlds and when that is all done, I'll go back to Fukami-sensei's side. I wish to end our stories one day, for Alissa's sake.

And next in the list, Rin!


RIN'S 2010 RESOLUTION
...*sighs* I suppose I'll confess it here and now.

I will make it a point in time to throw the empire into total chaos, or to find a suitable replacement for Emperor Yazuri to take over her empire. Once that is done, I will take her hand in marriage, as I should have done many years ago.

Aaaaaand next, we have Emperor Yazuri herself!

YAZURI'S 2010 RESOLUTION
This time, I will not let my emotions get the better of me. If I am to stand alone in the matters of my empire, then I will do so.

...okay. Let's hope she gets better resolutions as the days pass by. And next, we have mah homie, Ryu!

RYU'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Hell yes! Next year's my graduation year, so I'll work mighty hard for this year. And I'll continue to support Asuka and myself without Nobu's help. Also...um, well...

Next in line is my silent, watchful, yet, pessimistic comrade, Saaya!

SAAYA'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Keeping you out of trouble, Alissa, as always.

Next, we have Mr Sage of Pessimism, Fukami!

FUKAMI'S 2010 RESOLUTION
You could have made that title a little grander, Alissa. And I'm not that pessimistic, my dear. Rather, I'd say I'm quite the daredevil.

In any case, my resolution, eh? Hm, since my dear Ayana's cleaning the House now, I'm pretty sure my library would be gone by then. I suppose I could hole myself up in my tower and conduct more research. Ah, and try to get my two council members to agree to one another, perhaps signing a peace treaty so it'll spare me the many migraines.

I swear, these buffoons are too straight.

Of course he would run off like that. In any case, let's welcome our next interviewee, Asgard!

ASGARD'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Ahaha, you found my hiding spot. Resolution? No, none whatsoever. Maybe find a world where I can reside in till everything ends. =]

*sigh* M-moving on!

ALBEL'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Heh, resolution, eh? I'll give you one. *stabs his katana deep into the ground and shoves it down even deeper with his leg*

I'm getting my own dragon. I'll burn all of my enemies and rule as king.

...ANYWAY!

ALBERT'S 2010 RESOLUTION
Quit my job.

- - -

It started with 13. 4 went ahead, and now I'm left with 9 (soon to be 8).

These are my imaginary friends, whom I still talk to every now and then. They were my playmates back when I was 14. I wasn't much of a talkative person to people, and...well, not to say I wasn't friendly, but I was very much into doing things on my own.

Solitude was my constant companion, not because I couldn't find anyone to be friends with but rather, it was something I chose. I have friends, many friends, but I keep my distance from them and chose to create a little world of my own in my head.

Most of my inspirations for my stories came from the little adventures my friends and I went through in there. And the world acts as a retreat from the mundane life I go through in school, among many other things.

My playmates were, at first, simple beings, made to cater for my own interests and such. But then I begin to develop their personalities, adding more and more details into their stories. Some grew to be pretty strong in existence, while others dwindled and died off after a while.

Those that did grow strong, grew even stronger, up to the point where I begin to question my own identity. Who was Alissa? Is Alissa all of them, or is one of them her? Or are they just creations made in the likeness of her, as God made us humans in his very image?

At this point, the stories became more and more convoluted as I tried to mimic its likeness to the world I live in. My creations began to question their existence, their purpose, and their Creator. Some revolted, thinking that if they destroyed me, their Creator, they would then achieve freedom from me and find true existence beyond me.

At the same time, in real life, I was experiencing the same problem every teenager does; identity crisis. We go through many odd journeys to find who we are, because at that time, we were just oddballs, belonging neither here nor there.

I came to a conclusion; the world in my mind mirrors the world here. It was no longer a haven, a sanctuary for me to retreat into, but rather, a responsibility I placed upon myself. It was crazy, I know, but I felt the need to put things together properly. You know, like tying a proper knot to close the deal.

So I redefined my role once more in the world; I acknowledge my role as the Creator, but I left it just there. I only create, but their lives are their own. And I would walk among them as any mortal would.

The one to control the balance of the many worlds in my head was the Kaiser. Akiko, my aspirations in human form, was the first Kaiser. The rest of the family mentioned above were residents of The House, a home placed in the nexus of all worlds surrounding it.

And at the same time, I also redefined myself and my identity. I found myself.

With that, I stepped into adulthood easily. At first, of course.

But as for the continuation of that story, well, I suppose most of you know what happened from there onwards till today.

So, coming back to my 2010 resolution...

I will work hard for my final year.

I will be more diligent in my jobs.

I will be more attentive to my students and to my studies.

I will NOT procrastinate.

I will earn plenty, enough to offer William financial aid when he comes back to study.

I will not be swayed, ever again.

And I swear upon the ring on my finger, upon my soul, and my life, that I will make things right when they start to go wrong.


That's it for now. Happy new year, everyone! =D

Love.

The first thing that comes to mind when you think about it are warm feelings, the kind of feelings that make you feel safe and secured at all times. It makes you happy, lustful, and it's a place where you can cling to for support. Heh, it can even make you do things you would never do before, like...risking your own life for the other.

Sure, that's human, but that act was driven by the very thing called 'love'. This feeling can be both a good thing, and a bad thing, of course. It can turn into an obsession, a curse, a change in life, a recipe for disaster, a monster. But when it all comes down to it, 'love' is just a feeling and these good and bad definitions we have for it are merely the machinations of the mind.

Some would agree, others would deny this fact.

But that is as far as I know about this strange feeling called 'love' because when I look at her, I see new meanings, new definitions, new...new everything.

Ah, no, don't get me wrong here. I am only her travel companion, someone she wanted as company on her travels. Her mind is elsewhere, and her heart drifts in the wind; I was nowhere in there. But to be honest, I never wanted to. My heart longs for the fiancee I left back at home, but for some strange reason, I ended up in her company.

Who is she, you ask? Well, that's what I have been trying to find out all these years. You see, she never really gave me a name or any clue about her identity. It was a difficult task when we first travelled together; I was unable to call her by anything.

"Lady, don't you have a name that I can use to call you?" I asked, a long time ago.

But she only smiled and shook her head; "You can call me just that, Mikhail,"

"Lady?"

"Yes,"

So from then onwards, I called her Lady. It suited her, I guess.

And did I tell you that she was the most beautiful woman I have ever met?

Of course, the term 'beauty' is only a perspective and as you know, different people have different perspectives of their own. But when it came to Lady, she was beautiful in every perspective, both mine and the others who see her. It was as though she...morphed herself entirely when it comes to others. Not physically, of course, but....there was something about the way she does to certain men that piques their curiosity and interest.

Let me give you an image of her; imagine a slim young woman, probably around the age of 18 to 20. Imagine long raven-black hair that reached down to her waist, wavy and bouncy. Imagine a pair of bright brown eyes that seemed to shimmer like gold. Imagine a slightly tanned, smooth skin covered in cloths of deep blue and pale yellow. Imagine perfection when it came to her limbs. Imagine that. Don't get me started with her nudes.

But even with her beauty, I was never aroused by it. Amazed, yes, but not aroused or interested. Like I have said before, it was as though she chooses when to do those to others.

And of course, a woman with her beauty has a line of both suitors and lovers behind her. But Lady never accepts their hand. Entirely. She takes their hand in matrimony, in an oath of undying love; and then she would disappear. Like the wind, she leaves as quickly as she would come.

Was she in great sorrow when she does that, you ask?

Honestly, even I fail to find the answers myself. Let's not start with my endless pondering on her decision to do so, though I have asked her before. But her reply was as enigmatic as the very perfection that is her to begin with.

"So you come, you give them a little something to dream of, and then you leave," I said during one of our stops, after leaving a city whose name I failed to remember, "Why do you break their hearts like that? Why do you smile when you step out of their beds and leave their humble abodes?"

Lady smiled and leaned back, "Why do dreams end when you wake up, Mikhail?"

For a moment there, I was taken aback by her question. Once more, I pondered at this, but Lady continued on.

"Why do people dream?" she stared at the fire wonderingly.

"Because it's the only place where they are given the freedom to do what they want. They can have everything there," I replied, certain of my answer, "But it's...it's not right to be that way because no one can have everything they want in the world. That is why they wake up,"

She giggled and looked at me, "So it is not right for you to desire Anna?"

What the hell did I just say? "No, no! Anna..." the image of my fiance flashed across my mind, "In time, Lady, in time. What I desire from her is something that we cannot grant each other until the day of our wedding,"

"And of poor men who dreams of riches?"

I frowned, "I am not a sage, Lady,"

"Neither am I godly enough to answer your questions with no err, Mikhail," she sighed and turned away, looking at the starlit sky above her, "I seek freedom, and I seek love. Two extreme ends of desires. I want to love, more than anything else, but I do not want to be tied down by its chains. Thus, I run far when the chains begin to form,"

I could not find the words to reply to this, so I kept my silence, waiting for her to continue.

"Selfish, I know, but....it is in my nature, I suppose," her eyes lowered to the ground, and in a soft voice, she whispered, "But I do love all of them, very much,"

Love? This is her view on love? Momentary dreams and hopes, only to be snatched away in mere seconds? I was outraged, of course, for this was not the love that I know and feel when I think of Anna! But then she looked at me with those bright brown eyes of hers piercing through mine as though she was expecting this anger in me. And my god, she smiled.

In that instance, my anger subsided, but only to be replaced by something else, something I realised at this moment. Perhaps it was an answer to the questions I posed above.

"You fear loneliness,"

Lady laughed unbelievingly, "Is that so?"

"You fear the chains, because they would later bring about lonelines. You left them because you know that one day, they would leave you. You left them because you do not have faith!"

My last word came out hard and cruel, as though I literally slapped it across her face. And it worked as I thought it would; she was sitting there, stunned by my words, and for a moment, I felt triumphant for being able to solve this puzzle, to exact justice upon this wrongdoer of love and hope, to exert the love that I have for Anna.

For the longest time, I stood there, staring at her, just waiting, no- daring her to say something.

"We are alone, Mikhail,"

I wanted to retort, but when I thought about it, I realised she meant something else. I waited for her to continue.

"We are all alone in the end," the expression on her face faded to nothing. Only a calm, pensive stare; "Faith is what keeps the dream on. People lose their faith, they wake up and start from the beginning. But to those who succeed, they would live in their dreams for as long as their faith lasts.

And then, it will be gone,"

It was so flawed, yet it rings with truth; why does it work that way? I cannot fathom it, despite her explanations, despite her words; I simply cannot...or rather, I choose not to. But to choose such a choice meant that I had nothing else to say in return.

"You cannot understand my thoughts, Mikhail," she added softly, "Because you have always deluded yourself with your thoughts, like most people do,"

I was at loss for words, and at that moment, I felt my very beliefs shakened by her words. My minds returned to Anna, my dearest Anna, but I could see nothing but those cruel possibilities that tainted the very image of my fiancee itself. Separation, anger, sorrow, disappointment, distrust, loneliness; I would have mentioned more if it were not for the depression that finally got to me.

You haven't seen the things that I've seen and felt throughout my life's journey.

But you're stronger than I am, Mikhail.

Because you are still pure, and I am tainted by my own thoughts and actions.

Perhaps deluding yourself in this makes a man the happiest living being in this world.

Yet, I only wish you the best.

We will part ways here, my friend.

Farewell, and pray that we may never cross paths again.

When I awoke, she was gone. But I heard her whispered words as I drifted between waking up and sleeping, and I thought about it for a while.

She may be right; we are all living in a dream we strongly believe in, and that we always try to make our dreams stay the way we want to. Hence, we become selfish in our ways, that then leads to separation. Betrayal. Silence. We are weak and selfish like that.

But she is wrong about one thing.

Not all of us are dreamers forever.

I, for one, intend to make mine and Anna's dreams come true. And there is nothing she can say against that.

And so, with a triumphant smile on my face, I begin my journey back to the village. To home. To Anna.

I'm coming, Anna.

- - -

This was something I wrote a long time ago, just trying to comprehend Akiko's/Alaistar's/Lady's thoughts and feelings to her actions. She...how do I put it, well, she is very, VERY emo when it comes to issues like this.

Well, that tends to happen when you live too long to see the whole scene played before you over and over again. Immortality screws you up a lot, that's why we're only given a limited lifespan.

Cherish it. And cherish every moment we spend.

It's the only thing we have left while time ticks our deaths into motion.

Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide.


Won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next


It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance


Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all


And you can't keep us apart (even a thousand miles, can't keep us apart)
'Cause my heart is (cause my heart is) wherever you are


It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance


Oh no mountains too high enough, oceans too wide
'Cause together or not, our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be


It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you (like you)
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do (way we do)
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Can I have this dance
Can I have this dance

- - -

Can anyone be blamed for this?

Yes, me.

As cheesy and as corny as this may sound, I love this song.

And I love him. So. Very. Much.

Oh, my dearest blog. There has been many things that I have been wanting to write here, but for the past 2 months, a lot has happened. It occupied me, took me away from you; but here I am, if not for a very short while. And it is truly ironic that today is the day I choose to update you because it won't be long until he leaves for US again.

When will he return, you ask? Well, if you ask the naive little girl in me, I would say as soon as possible. But if you ask me, with all that I was, am, and will be, I would say, "When he is ready, because I know he will come back,".

If there was one thing I realised about myself and this relationship I am in with him, it is this: completion.

Perhaps I have mentioned this many times before in the past, and perhaps this particular word has lost its true meaning after being abused for so long. And perhaps by saying all this, I am being a hypocrite to myself and to my own words and promises made long ago. But I wish not to dwell in the past; it is done and done with. I am who I am now, transformed into the person that is sitting here, typing this post.

When I am with William, I feel completion. I feel as though nothing else matters, and that the world only revolves around him and I. As selfish as that may sound, it is how it feels every time we talk, touch, laugh, kiss. I...I really cannot find the best way to describe it without making it sound like this came straight from another Virginia Henley's romance novel or those Harlequin books. This is the most honest-down-to-earth explanation I could give you; I am completely, terribly, unbelievably in love with William.

And when people say and ask,

"You're moving too fast,"

"Slow down, take your time,"

"There are still many other fishes in the sea,"

"Don't you think you're rushing this?"

"I think you need to take time and learn to know him first,"

"You HAVE to go through a big argument before knowing that he is the one for you,"

"You've only known him for a year; what makes you think you're so sure of this?"

I would smile, turn to them, and tell them this:
"What's wrong with wanting to be with someone you love?"

True, it does sound like something taken from a romance novel or after much daydreaming. But believe me when I say that I have waited for him all my life, believe me with all my heart and soul. This is the person, the one.

People may think that I have never been through a proper relationship, and that my previous one was proof enough to show that it can fail. Of course, I did not say that it would never fail on its own. But that is because I am, no- WE are going to make this work, because it is what we both want, because we do not let doubt cloud our mind and judgment, because we will triumph where others have failed.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with getting engaged early. It only means that you are both promised to each other, and not marriage. At least, not yet. There is more commitment involved, but that is fine; we both have shown our capabilities to each other. If anything, the challenge bonds us even closer than before. It is a step above the 'boyfriend-girlfriend' stage.

And when you think about it, you look at adults who marry after being engaged for only 3 months. Does that not say something?

You can say all you want, but there really is no specific guidelines that people should follow when it comes to things like these. If anything, they only contribute the rising number of divorces in the world.

True, those divorces happen mainly through lack of planning. But I would not say the same for William and I; we have many plans, speculations, plan Bs, Cs for the near future. We have done our planning (mere outlines, but clear ones, nonetheless), and we know what to do.

I love my fiance, and I will make this work. As I have promised many eons ago, I will work on this promise for real this time.