a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

Yay! Double post! When was the last time this happened? *counts* ...well, not too long ago. But heck, it's my blog! I can double post all I want! Or triple post. Whatever.

Today, I followed my mom to KLIA to send my father off. He's flying to Jakarta again today, but by the time we reached there, it wasn't time for him to go yet. So yea, we ate at KFC while my siblings went off to play at the playground next to it. Father joined us and sat awhile before he left. And when it was time for him to leave, we all gave him kisses and bid him goodbye.

I personally thought that my farewell was not sincere at all.

Like every other farewell I gave him.

It is just like me saying "I know you'll be going back there sooner or later. And you'll come back again and see us. And then you'll go back there again. I couldn't care less,"

Oh, how I regretted thinking that way all these while.

When my Father turned around to walk away, pushing his trolley slowly as he did so, my Mom told me to look at him.

"Observe," she said, "Watch him,"

And so I watched him. Not once did he turn back to look at us. Not once did he sneak a glance to look back at us. He just went onwards.

"That's determination," she explained.

That got me thinking. A lot. Perhaps throughout the whole ride back to Father's place, and till now. Determination. It is a power within every human being that drives you to do something. It is strong enough to turn your face away from your loved ones, abandoning them to reach for your dreams.

That was all I managed. But while I thought about it, I realised a certain something deep within me. I can't truly explain...but it was something that moved me. The scene where my Father walked away kept repeating itself over and over again, etching itself deep inside my memories. As I have said, I can't find the words to truly explain that feeling, but it was there, all right. And it was strong enough to tear my heart apart at the thought of it.

At times, I find myself asking, "Do I truly have this power within me?"

Often, determination fails me. But it was all because of my lack of strength to work towards it. There were distractions, my lack of responsibility, and...other things that I simply must not include in here.

I'm not committed, often drifting away to do other things that suits my fancy. I don't take care of my relationships with others, often leaving them as they are and let them come look for me when I'm needed. I just...drift away, looking for others...forgetting everything else that happened before this.

But seeing my Father, I see that determination exists. And it is possible.

...

I just...

Because I know I can do it. And nothing can stop me.

I keep having this mentality in my mind. Well, call it a form of ego, but it drives me to do things beyond my limits. Often, it tends to worry others, but I see it as a path for me to achieve what I want. Let it be risky, let it be perilous, let it be fatal.

Come what may, I will make it through!

Ah well, today's post won't be focusing on such things. Let's talk about the mind and its power.

We all know how powerful the brain works and how fast it is able to process informations of all sorts. And, like what most robots can't do, we can think about everything all at once. One moment we're thinking about eating that cupcake, and the next, we might be wondering when the next train will be coming.

Well, that's the gist of it. Now here comes the experiment.

I'm going to try to type down whatever comes up in my head for one minute. Yes, of course, I'm going to time myself. I have the phone with me, and within in, the timer. This might be an interesting post. Well, for me, that is. Perhaps you all could try this as well.

All right. Switching off my music.

One minute.

Starting now...

- - -

Timer has started.

My tummy's hungry.

There's still cake inside the fridge.

My tummy hurts.

I wonder how today will be.

Money. Need more money.

I need to bathe soon.

Blogging? Gah, too much noises.

Maybe I should watch TV.

- - -

That's one minute. My mind can think of 9 concentrated thoughts in just one minute. Well, there were more. But I only focused on the ones that appeal to me most.

Of course, this experiment is not suitable for more researches and such. There were a few setbacks I realised when I did this...such as, my typing speed. Sure, I may think fast, but my finger may not move as fast as my mind. Often, grammar and spelling mistakes occur. Is that counted as a concentrated thought as well?

*sigh*

No matter, the experiment was a failure. XD I'll try to come up with something better soon. After all, I just woke up, and the only thing I could think of right now is FOOD.

All right then. Thank you for witnessing my failed experiment! Till next we meet!

Today, I finally managed to submit my PTPTN form (wanted to submit yesterday, but I just found out that I needed AT LEAST RM3000 in my SSPN account. That bummed me out. Badly). It was one heluva long journey, but for some strange reason, it was a nice one too. Well, yea, knowing me, I've always enjoyed lone journeys so long as I have my iPod blasting in my ears, money, phone, and a nice book to read. Of course, nothing's complete without imagination, no?

Yes, so throughout the whole journey, I had these songs being played (looping, skipping, and such) over my earphones as I journeyed down to my Mother's office to meet up with my Mother. I had to pass the 3k cash to her for safe-keeping. My tale began soon after that...

Allow me to tell you this tale of mine, different from what others see. This tale of mine is a journey that only my eyes could see, and I am kind enough to share this to you.

So please, take a seat. And keep your eyes open.

Song: The Farthest Land (Reprise)
Composer: Koh Ohtani

Origin: Shadow of the Colossus (PS2)

I was standing outside eTiQa Twins, formerly known as MNI Twins. It was my Mother's workplace. KLCC was only five minutes away from it. Just a short walking distance. The Twin Towers stood tall and majestic before my eyes. The song continues...

There were lots of cars on the road. It took me a while to cross, and that I did. Death was looming nearby when I crossed it, (there were two cars speeding towards me) but I was saved by my swift legs that carried me to the other side of the road.

I was too lazy to walk through the gardens there, so I just took the tunnel (inside the KL Convention Centre) and made my way to the KLCC via the underpass.

I went up to eat at McDonald's for breakfast. Then to Kinokuniya, surveying the tarot cards and their price. I found one for only RM34.90, but I wasn't sure if they had a guide booklet with it. Obviously, I'm not entirely skilled with tarot cards, that's why I need a guide. Oh well, it looked interesting.

Then I found a book. A very interesting book.

It's like a graphic novel, but it was no words in it. Simply drawings and sketches of scenes. But together, they weave a story. A sad but heartwarming story of a man who migrated to a strange country as he went on and searched for a better place to live for his family, away from the battlefields and the evil dragon tail that lurks within the city.

Song: Hahen

Genre: Death Jazz

I got a call from Mother after reading the book, telling me to meet up with her at CIMB Bank. So yea, I put the book back and made my way downstairs.

We did everything we had to do in the bank. Deposited cash, withdrew cash, opened new accounts, yada yada. All those. Gaah, and the wait was long too. But I was too caught up talking about "The Prestige" with my Mother. She just watched it last two nights ago~ XD

Well, I decided to have lunch back in campus, since it'll take me an hour to get back to campus from KLCC.

Song: Opening Title

Genre: Musical

I took the LRT to KL Sentral, got myself a seat by the door (it was empty and I didn't scare any kid out from it) and was just listening to my song. But right after that song ended, Michelle Branch kicked in and "Tuesday Morning" was in the air. The train was still in the tunnels when the chorus began...

Twice the chorus went on, and I was still in the tunnel. But after Masjid Jamek was Pasar Seni station, and that means the tunnel will end. I was just sitting there, smiling to myself at the words in this song. And then it reached this part somewhere after Masjid Jamek...

And not long after that...

And the tunnel ended. Everything seemed brighter. Then I reached the Pasar Seni station...

The train stopped.

And the doors opened. Whee! Not long after that, I reached KL Sentral.

Song: La Cumparsita

Genre: Classical, Tango

I made my way to the KTM train station after getting my ticket for the ride. Lol, I was actually skipping at this point.

Song: Final Battle

Origin: Shadow of the Colossus (PS2)

The train to Pelabuhan Klang arrived and I boarded it. Along the way, I read my book, just like any other train rides I had today.

Song: Large Map ~Last Area~

Origin: Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne (PS2)

I went to the programme office to meet up with the lady in charge of the PTPTN thing. It didn't take too long, because I pretty much got everything done. I handed her the form and left the office in a flash. Tummy was hungry.

It was thanks to me for leaving my phone in my room and leaving my computer that made me miss a day out with him.

;____;

I was planning to go out today so tomorrow I can go out on my own and do my stuff. But, thanks to me~ (many "thanks", actually) I missed it. Ah well...I suppose it's either I do it today or just plan not to see anyone tomorrow or something.

But for some reason, I feel like something is amiss. I'm still dressed in my normal t-shirt (I had a haircut while wearing this shirt, and I still am wearing it now. Itchy.), got my 3/4 jeans on. Before this, my mom bathed me (nyaa~ I know I sound like a kid here but she insists on giving me a scrub on my body and hair. O.o...) and my hair smells strangely nice. O.o... But much to my dismay, I won't be going out till this eve. =P So much for all that~

Oh well, at least the scrub was nice. =) It's been a long while since someone bathed me. What more, my mom. No, not my mother, she's a bit too busy for that. Mom can be really nice sometimes...really really nice, but by saying this, I'm not being fair to my Mother, who has brought me into this world and took care of me until now.

I suppose because Mother had it hard, and she's getting old... (Mother's waaaaay older than Mom, so yea ^_^; ). And for old women at Mother's age, still working, having kids below the age of 10, I suppose it's rather stressful for her and I suppose that's the reason why her patience is rather short. Lol, it's not "suppose" anymore. It IS short. XD

Mom's younger, and earning a bit more than Mother (she's a doctor, managing a hospital and such). But she has two of her kids who are also the same age like Mother's other two. She comes home later than Mother, and...no, I shouldn't say this.

Haha, it's not right comparing your Mothers' and to see who's better than the other. I mean, yea, rebellions and revolts happen, but that's normal. Even for both mother AND stepmother. But sometimes, you just can't help it, you know?

I mean, if you have a horrible husband and then you see a kinder man, wouldn't you stop to compare?

So yea. But I'll stop right here and now. I try not to be on either one of their sides. And yes, the same applies to my Father and Dad.

As the daughter of my Mother and Father, I must remain in between, side with no one, and protect my sister at all costs. In the end, no matter what people say and what THEY say, I only have my sister, and my sister me. We only have each other, and me, being the eldest, have responsibilities to protect the younger one.

Of course, my other four siblings are counted in as well, but hey~ they have my Father and Mom, Mother and Dad. Often, I think they're much too busy for us two.

...

0_____0

This has been stretched on too far. And I think I've said this a couple of times before. Haha, sorry to bore you readers~ But blogging should be about what goes on in your head, what you want to jot down, and what you want to say. An online diary, where people would stop to read about your life. That is, if they bothered to.

Oh well, I'll just stop here and...well, do some other stuff then~ I should stop thinking too much about them. What's done is done, c'est la vie~! XD Just smile and forget~ =)

I don't know why, but it strikes me as fascinating whenever I look back into the past and thought of all the mistakes I did back then. Though it may not be as big as many others out there, but to me, individually, they were considered pretty big. After all, it is my life. Which problem of mine is not big when I think about it? Only I know how it really feels, only I know how big of a problem it was.

No one else knows because they don't see it through my eyes.

Oh, no. I'm not saying that your problems are inferior to mine. It all depends on that certain individual.

I can't see how big your problem is because I don't have your eyes.

Nor do you have mine.

Then again, we are all human. We were meant for mistakes, but the wonderful thing about being human is that we're able to pick ourselves up after the fall and just move on, leaving that problem as just a lingering memory. No matter how beaten down we are, we still move on.

It's either us, or the future's voice calling for us has such a sweet ring to it.

No matter what religion we are from, we still hold on to one true religion.

Hope.

We always think that tomorrow will always be a better day. And the day after, and after, and so forth.

There is no God in this religion. There is only us, and our will that guides us step-by-step.

Thinking about this made me think back.

Yesterday night, I had a wonderful conversation with Russell. Basically, we were just talking about what happened yesterday (we all just came back after watching "Meet the Spartans". Uh...it's up to you if you want to watch it. 0.o ) and how fun it was. Then the topic slowly changed to Aiman and we started talking about him and how he nurtured Russ into the person he is today~ XD He told me he's always been there for Aiman and such.

"Even when our first break-up happened?" I asked.

It was then when I found what truly happened, from Aiman's side. Despite my thoughts about him, I often kept this stereotype thought about men and how they are with their beloved ladies. This, I've picked up from all the problems my friends faced when I was back in high school. Often, I hear it from their point of view (girls, I meant), and I have somehow developed that stereotype thought about men.

No, don't get me wrong. I never thought of Aiman that way. But I must admit, a small little part of me kept to that thought. Thus, I kept my guard up most of the time.

But after hearing from Russ...

"I remember the first time he talked about you," he said, "He was so happy,"

"What did he say about me?" I asked eagerly.

"He told me he met this cute girl from some college game. He said you had the same book he had, and you two went on pretty well,"

I read on (it was via MSN Messenger), and all those memories from the past came flooding back into my mind.

"The break-up was the highlight of it," he told me.

At that moment, the image of Brodey came passing by. And then, there was that scene where Aiman and I sat on the bench and I told him about the break-up. Then, the scene in the student lounge.

Once more, I felt truly ashamed of myself. Part of me still loved him back then, and I remember just flashing back that particular memory on my journey back home. I kept asking myself, "Did I make the right choice?" over and over again.

Throughout my years of relationships, I was always the one asking for the break-up. And often, it left me just like that and I move on. It was easier to forget back then. But, for Aiman...it was really different. And it really did hurt. Bad.

"He was so happy,"

Just reading that alone from Russ made me think back, made me wonder, made me...sadder.

Then I went back to the time when we went out again after four months of not seeing each other. And it was all because of a typo he did. XD And that was also my first time staying out past midnight. No, we didn't do much. We just talked, caught up with the things we're doing and such. Then I went and poured everything out to him. Everything. Even the grudges I had against Brodey.

I traced it from that moment till where I am now.

"He was so happy,"

Often, I thought to myself. I'm not worthy enough for his forgiveness, and those words from Russ...

*sigh*

But separation was good, I must say. It gives us time to think, to consider, and to find another way. And then, when the time is right , we find each other.

A lesson learned.

And then there is forgiveness.

"He was so happy,"

He is happy now.

And I am too.

I love you, Aiman. I truly do. =)

The trial is over. Mom is back, and every little war or grudge that maid A has against me is resolved. Umm, yes, we are still not talking, but I'm glad that Mom is safely back home and I have the freedom to go out without worrying what will happen back home and all.

And now I can blog peacefully. =)

Let's see...well, yes, for all you people who's keeping up with the updates in this blog, rejoice and be merry for I have updated! Hail~ =P

Lots has happened, and I suppose I've been going out a lot. I got an extra RM100 for taking care of the house while both my parents are gone. And recently, I've just watched Elizabeth (though I missed 1/3 of the movie in the beginning, thanks to Ikea's wonderful meatballs and Russ~ XD), and I must say, it's quite a good watch. I've always been a big fan of Cate Blanchett (sp?), and I like her roles and such, always portraying the strong lead actress. An exception to Lord of The Rings, she only played as Lady Galadriel, but even that sort of fills me with...light.

*sighs* She's beautiful, I must say. For someone old, she seemed so wise and...well, yea, beautifully wise. I don't know if others feel the same way that I do, but, heck. This is similar to the feeling I had whenever I look at Lacus Clyne.


She's just beautiful. Not just her voice, or her hair, or her looks. It's just that everything about her seemed so...serene and peaceful. I suppose if I were born a man, I would fall in love with her kind. After all, I've always been a clingy person, and clinging on to women such as these...well, it's a benefit.

But if that were the case, I'm more fit to be a woman than a man.

Then again, issues such as gender has always been one of the things my mind often ponders about whenever boredom sits with me. I remember my maid telling me that I was born wrong (LOL), saying that I was suppose to be born as a man instead of a woman. For some odd reason, she sees me that way. Then my Dad (stepfather, actually) would take me out to do the things men do, often treating me more of a son than a daughter. I would get in touch with electronics and woodworks. But sometimes, he'd force me to go work in the kitchen with him as well~ XD That was fun.

And I notice that I tend to dress like a man whenever I'm at my Mother's, often guarding my Mother and siblings like a brother would often do. I would speak in a lowered tone and will subconsciously imitate a man's voice.

I wonder, is that normal?

Then again, it's just these things, that's all. I'm still a girl, all in all. Most claim I'm like a mother to them.

...

Bright future for mom-hood? Sounds...all right, I guess. ^_^; After all, I plan to have four kids.

Oh well, I found something I really like to watch. Well, it sorts of cheers me up whenever I'm feeling down in the dumps, reminding me of Shar's comments on it.

Lemme' list down the lyrics here.

Wokaay...wokaaay...wokaaaaaay...

And that's all. XD

Don't you just love this song?