a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

It has been a very long while since we last spoke. How have you been?

. . .

Is that so? Well, I'd say things on my end are not looking too well. It feels as though the mess that I've been dragging since day one caught up with me.

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I suppose you are right, we can't do away with it. Some we can only carry with us through the years. But there are those that we can discard, of course. *chuckles* Then again, you know me; I'm a hoarder. Of sorts.

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Of course you would know; you've seen my head, haven't you? It's a clusterfuck of pain; pain for your eyes to see, I meant. But still, I know you can see past all that, right? After all, you're...you're like that, just as how everyone in this world hoped you would be.

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I know, you're meant for everyone. Meant to be shared. But sometimes, I can't help but notice that people seem to just use you for their own means. Not to say that I'm innocent of that; heck, all of us are guilty of that act.

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I guess, in a world of imperfection such as ours, we seek something like you. So we found you, in the back of our minds. But tell me exactly; if we actually found you in our minds, does that mean that we made you?

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True, we can't make things like how you could. But we can always dream that we could, just like how we dreamed of you, no?

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I've confused myself, you say? Perhaps, perhaps I have confused myself. And that in the midst of all this confusion, I'm just burying myself into a much deeper hole. Yes, you know that hole. I've told you that story many many times. *laughs* I wonder if you've grown bored of hearing it.

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Ah, I forget. You're like that; you can take all the shit we go through and make it all nice and happy, no? All those things you hear; prayers, wishes, dreams, wills...they're all said to you. All the time. And you never get bored listening to them, don't you?

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Yes, I know, you are like that.

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Descriptions to that? What, are we leaning to the vain side now from all your glory? Oh, you meant 'appreciation'. Oh, no no, isn't that insincere to be asking for such things in return?

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Well, tough luck. We're raised like that, I suppose. At least, I am. If you do something for me and expect something in return, then that's a no-no. I give it to you as I see fit, and you do the same for me.

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Sorry, you said you've been helping me all these while? I...I guess I do need the help. And so does everyone. I guess that's why you've always been there for them.

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Yes, I have been denying you all these while. Not you, per se, but rather, the teachings.

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So, I guess I'm a heathen now, eh? A heretic, because I'm not doing the things everyone else is doing. Well, I'm living my life, as a human being, driven by my instincts and thoughts; is there any ill thoughts in it?

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Oh yes, if we follow that all the way, then we're no different from animals, right? I've always thought that it was the mind that makes us different from them, not our way of life. Good and bad, the usual shit; yes, those.

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Goddamnit, I came here to talk about other things, not to debate with you. It's endless, and pointless. I'm stubborn, you're patiently stubborn; and the whole world is against us.

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I came here to talk about us, about what's going on between the two of us right now. About our relationship. Do you see us going anywhere with this?

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My thoughts? Well, I don't know what the future hold, you know? Heck, I don't even know if half of my plans would go through fine. When we only have love and perseverance, it's kinda difficult.

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Hm? This world is not permanent? Yea, I can see that. We have doom signs looming all around us.

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What? No, not those silly signs; I meant the 'actual' threats. If it's not coming from us, then it's probably from everything else outside our planet. Maybe there's someone there out to get us. I know it's not permanent. My life is not permanent.

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Honestly, I'd like to believe you. I want to believe you. But there's so many you all around. And everyone says different things about you.

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Choose what I want to believe? Well, I'd like to believe in you 'you'.

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Too much for my brain to process? All right, fine, I understand. I'm not great enough. But at the very least, I try...and confuse myself along the way. Pick myself up after the fall and try again. You've seen it before, many many times.

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Trying the wrong way? What, there's an actual method to this? Gah, no, not what the rest of the world is doing. Don't you know that we're killing everyone else in the world for the sake of that?

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Unity? There's no unity if everyone's segmented like that, dude. I'm not even touching on race here.

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Speechless? Well there you go, your most devoted ones off to war, off to die for you. Wouldn't you like that? You made life anyway, so death really doesn't bother you...you eternal beings.

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Me? Bitter? Hell yes, I'm bitter. I'm bitter that we're relying on you to stop all this nonsense.

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You know, we're just like that kid begging for a new toy. You don't give us one, we throw a fit. Well, tell you what, father, this is our fit here. And it's costing us our fucking lives.

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I don't even know why I'm telling you all this. I want to talk to you about something else, but...goddamnit, I'm just so bitter when it comes to you and your stupid devotees.

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Calm myself? Well, I'll bloody well do that.


...I'm sorry. Things hasn't been going too well on my end. Easy things to solve, really, but you know how my head works. How I like to confuse myself like this.

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We'll have to talk again. I'll try to put my bitter thoughts aside. We'll have an honest, open talk between you and I. And next time, I want you to tell me everything.

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Your connection has very bad lags.

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Most of the time, I just assumed on what you would say.

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