a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

The day I left my mother's place for my father's (that was last Sunday) was the day I thought I won't be seeing anymore annoying siblings, nagging mother, tight curfews, and the fact that there is no car for me drive. So, it was

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTS~!

PRIVACY FOR ME AND JUST FOR ME~!!!!!

Because you see, things at Father's work differently than the how things at Mother's were. I realized that every time my father comes to pick me up from Mother's, I have to change my clothes and a wee bit of my attitude to suit the lifestyle there. It is, after all, Sri Hartamas, where the high and mighty live (well, from my POV, their rank falls at number 4 or 5, because number 1 has definitely got to be the residents of Bukit Tunku. They have O__________O houses there). Very unlike Subang Bestari where people were more moderate and they berate on such attitudes behind people's back.

Well, that's the positive effect of it. And yes, there is the negative one as well.

Over at Father's, my sister and I are...well, left on our own to see to our needs. I will be in front of my laptop while my sister would be watching TV and such. My brother and youngest sister are taken care of, but well, I noticed that we are somewhat...left out. Over here, parents ARE parents and children ARE children. Children CANNOT meddle with the affairs of the parents. Yes, I am still a child to them. My father, especially. I don't know what my mom sees me as, since I've pissed her off a couple of times. I'm not going to disclose it here.

Mother's, however, was the exact opposite of Father's. Whatever we do, the parents will know and berate. Whatever we want to do, the parents will be the first to know and will either let you off or not. Yet, affairs of the parents are known to the children, and the children were included in their adult circle, where they talk about work and we can either laugh along or comment. We are forced to go to places we didn't want to go under the excuse that if one family member goes, everyone must go.

Father is freedom.

Mother is the chain that binds us.

Yet, after staying here at Father's for almost a week (Father left for Jakarta already), I started to feel...different to this 'freedom'. My sister left for Penang with our cousins, and I'm still here in my Father's place.

It feels really lonely here.

That's why I kept going out with Aiman, and if possible, every night. I miss him, of course, but at the same time, I try to escape that feeling of loneliness here. Even if it is only for a while. Because every time I return from my dinner, I step back into that lonely feeling that's waiting for me.

Yea, I know. I suppose I am an attention seeker, but really, it feels really lonely.

So yesterday, I slept without much thought. My mind was just thinking about my online game and how to level up my character, then it moved on to my exams and how I will fare it when the day comes. I made a call to Aiman and we talked for a long while. After that, I slept.

I woke up this morning to the sound of the closed door. Mom was in the bedroom, looking around in the cupboard. I was invited to a futsal game my little brother will be playing with his friends, but I turned down the offer. Lol, I wanted to stay home. And I don't like futsal. =(

So yea, I slept again and listened to the sounds of the door being closed and everyone leaving the house. Not long after that, it was only me.

But then, I woke up once more to the sound of a woman calling out to her children. Then there was the sound of the door opening, and after that, children. Their voices sounded awfully familiar, but I simply disregarded that and went back to sleep.

Then those voices got louder and at once, I knew who those voices belonged to.

My little sisters back at Mother's.

And the woman was my Mother.

My mind went through a brief flashback, and in there, I realized how often the bothered me. If I were in bed now, they'll be the ones slamming the door open and waking me up. And they're always competing against each other to see who gets the most attention from me or my mother. Hehe, and their arguments. Oh dear, you wouldn't believe some of the things they argued about. XD

And it took me a while to realize that my eyes were wet with tears.

Then I thought about my mother, how she was always there for me. How hard she worked to find any forms of scholarship for my education, how she totally supported me when I was going through my SPM, how she waited for me outside the school every time my exam finishes. Then I went back to the time where I cried in her arms because a boy I had a crush on in school likes someone else and I was always there to listen to him talk about her and all. It was ridiculous, I know, but she just hugged me and smiled.

Then I remembered the time when she cried when I kept talking to her about Aiman, how worried she was, thinking that I might do things that will shame me and...well, and the fact that I will slowly be detached from our mother-daughter relationship when Aiman comes into view. I must say, I was really disappointed with her and then I cried too. Lol. We were both like the two crying women in Burger King, waiting for the LRT to arrive. It was then my turn to comfort her, and told her that everything will be all right.

She...she may have a bad temper and gets all touchy real quick but...but she's still my mother, my own blood and flesh, the one who cared for me since the day I was born until now.

...

I really miss her. I really really miss her. My siblings there, Sabrina and Bella. I really miss them all.

They're on their way to Pangkor Island now, for a vacation courtesy of my dad's company.

And it's only been a week.

And already I miss them terribly.

I love you, Mama. I love you, Sabrina and Bella. I really love all of you. You all...you all really make me feel like...like I'm one of you. I really...really appreciate that...

...

God, I gotta stop sobbing now...oh god...I really miss them...