a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

Holiday didn't turn out as I expected it to be, what more with my light purse. Going out for shopping would be...well, a pain. And another pebble to add to my balancing rock of problems, I'll be changing to prepaid. This means...

MORE MONEY SPENT.

LESS MONEY SPENT ON WANTED STUFF.

;_____;

Well, no use crying over spilled milk. All I can do now is to just move on and do something about it. And the best solution to this is to get a job that pays. A part-time job.

I don't want to sit around and do nothing as the fat builds up in my body from all the doughnuts I've devoured for the past few days. I. Must.Move.

Oh, speaking of move, I heard from my Mother that we'll be moving to someplace away from Subang Bestari (thankgodforthathankgodforthatthankgodforthat). I really like her idea on moving to Taman Tun, BUT, 'tis rather costly to live there now. So, she decided on Kota Damansara, the developing town with...Malays in it. *sigh*

Moving on.

As I sink deeper into the chasm of boredom, I began looking through everyone's blogs and checking for updates. And for some reason, that feeling returned. It made me fear the world and the skills I lack when I compare myself to them.

I was intimidated.

I suppose everyone in this world has this particular feeling whenever they see someone better than them. Some, however, have the ability to simply acknowledge it and move on. But the other remaining number of those who do not belong in the group above, do not move on. They remain in the same place, fretting over their mistake and uselessness, often hoping that they could be like the people around them.

Thus, they become intimidated. They stand very still, fearing to move on.

Many think of this as a challenge that every human has to face, but to those particular individual haunted by this feeling do not see it as a challenge. It it like your old ghost of Christmas. It stops you there and makes you fear it. It is like the fear that can never be overcome.

To some, it may last for a while. But to most others, it stays there like your guilty conscious.

Watching.

Waiting.

Whispering.

Laughing.

I often try to ignore these by just looking away, shifting my attention to something else. Yet, it often comes back to haunt me before my path to the world of dreams was made clear. It curses at you, laughs at you, and mocks you. At that moment, you just feel like you want to curl up and drown yourself in tears. Pride and ego stops the tears from falling, but the aching feeling claws at your every part of the body.

...

Nay, I cannot proceed any further. It saddens me that I am not strong enough to overcome this.

So much for naming this blog "Ascending Wings", when I am actually falling.

Always falling.

Clumsy little me.