a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

I don't know why, but it strikes me as fascinating whenever I look back into the past and thought of all the mistakes I did back then. Though it may not be as big as many others out there, but to me, individually, they were considered pretty big. After all, it is my life. Which problem of mine is not big when I think about it? Only I know how it really feels, only I know how big of a problem it was.

No one else knows because they don't see it through my eyes.

Oh, no. I'm not saying that your problems are inferior to mine. It all depends on that certain individual.

I can't see how big your problem is because I don't have your eyes.

Nor do you have mine.

Then again, we are all human. We were meant for mistakes, but the wonderful thing about being human is that we're able to pick ourselves up after the fall and just move on, leaving that problem as just a lingering memory. No matter how beaten down we are, we still move on.

It's either us, or the future's voice calling for us has such a sweet ring to it.

No matter what religion we are from, we still hold on to one true religion.

Hope.

We always think that tomorrow will always be a better day. And the day after, and after, and so forth.

There is no God in this religion. There is only us, and our will that guides us step-by-step.

Thinking about this made me think back.

Yesterday night, I had a wonderful conversation with Russell. Basically, we were just talking about what happened yesterday (we all just came back after watching "Meet the Spartans". Uh...it's up to you if you want to watch it. 0.o ) and how fun it was. Then the topic slowly changed to Aiman and we started talking about him and how he nurtured Russ into the person he is today~ XD He told me he's always been there for Aiman and such.

"Even when our first break-up happened?" I asked.

It was then when I found what truly happened, from Aiman's side. Despite my thoughts about him, I often kept this stereotype thought about men and how they are with their beloved ladies. This, I've picked up from all the problems my friends faced when I was back in high school. Often, I hear it from their point of view (girls, I meant), and I have somehow developed that stereotype thought about men.

No, don't get me wrong. I never thought of Aiman that way. But I must admit, a small little part of me kept to that thought. Thus, I kept my guard up most of the time.

But after hearing from Russ...

"I remember the first time he talked about you," he said, "He was so happy,"

"What did he say about me?" I asked eagerly.

"He told me he met this cute girl from some college game. He said you had the same book he had, and you two went on pretty well,"

I read on (it was via MSN Messenger), and all those memories from the past came flooding back into my mind.

"The break-up was the highlight of it," he told me.

At that moment, the image of Brodey came passing by. And then, there was that scene where Aiman and I sat on the bench and I told him about the break-up. Then, the scene in the student lounge.

Once more, I felt truly ashamed of myself. Part of me still loved him back then, and I remember just flashing back that particular memory on my journey back home. I kept asking myself, "Did I make the right choice?" over and over again.

Throughout my years of relationships, I was always the one asking for the break-up. And often, it left me just like that and I move on. It was easier to forget back then. But, for Aiman...it was really different. And it really did hurt. Bad.

"He was so happy,"

Just reading that alone from Russ made me think back, made me wonder, made me...sadder.

Then I went back to the time when we went out again after four months of not seeing each other. And it was all because of a typo he did. XD And that was also my first time staying out past midnight. No, we didn't do much. We just talked, caught up with the things we're doing and such. Then I went and poured everything out to him. Everything. Even the grudges I had against Brodey.

I traced it from that moment till where I am now.

"He was so happy,"

Often, I thought to myself. I'm not worthy enough for his forgiveness, and those words from Russ...

*sigh*

But separation was good, I must say. It gives us time to think, to consider, and to find another way. And then, when the time is right , we find each other.

A lesson learned.

And then there is forgiveness.

"He was so happy,"

He is happy now.

And I am too.

I love you, Aiman. I truly do. =)