a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

Today has been very tiring, I must say. Well, it's just like any other day in many similar scenarios. But pause the video, put in some mishaps, a hungry tummy, errands, a library with no locks on its lockers, and a very very heavy winter trench coat. Stir them all together in one swift move and there you have it; a terribly tiring day.

My main intention of bringing the trench coat was to be my one and only protection against the tundra winds of the library. In here, there is no igloo to shield me from the wind, nor is there any nice warm fire to sleep to. Perhaps you think the room acts as an igloo, but no, I disagree. The air-conditioner vents are all over the place, in and out, and they are all centralized.

And guess what? I'm still here!

I came to college, thinking that there might not be any classes today. So I brought my coat along with the intention to camp in the library until 12pm. Yes, also, another reason why I decided to come was to finish off some unfinished business with PTPTN.

And if they ever, ever, EVER, refuse me, I swear, I will skin them all alive. Every. Last. One. Of. Them.

The whole process of getting it done was terribly tedious, what more with my Father not being able to act as a guarantor for this loan, I have to come up with lots of letters and such. Divorce certificates, that file, this file; but just when I thought I was done with it, the lady gave me a call and told me about my status (I was expecting good news, but unfortunately... =.= ) and that I needed an extra other document.

Since I have stated in the form that my parents are divorced and such, my mother automatically becomes my guarantor. This is because I did not include my father's name inside the form just to make everything else seem less complicating.

Unfortunately, that was not enough. They needed ANOTHER letter to state that my father is missing and could not be contacted in any other way.

...

Well, what can I do? For the sake of this loan and my education, I have to do this. Lie, cheat, and steal, as they all say.

My heart felt slightly wrenched, thinking about what my father would say about this. I'm tired of him ranting and gunning me down with his words. But I know I have to tell him this...heck, my Dad told me to get it done with so that my Father won't get terribly upset and all by this. Best be upset now rather than later.

Then again, my Father can be such an egoistic person, and proud. Sometimes too proud. I'm pretty sure he'll be either gunning me down or just...just...I don't know, maybe go to the gym and work out on his abs while he forgets about stuff. My Father's an easy person to read and not as tricky and sly like my Dad, so if something happens, I would notice. Then again, he doesn't talk to me about things like these unlike my Dad, Mom, and Mother. Once more, I believe this is because of his pride. Heck, even I as a mother-to-be one day might just do this. I just hope he won't see this as something that brings down his status or whatsoever.

Also, there are more rumours of my application to Universiti Malaya. Chances are slowly rising, but not up to the part where I can safely say that I have a place there. My aunt is currently helping my mother work on my application there...

No, don't get me wrong, I love Taylor's College, and I love all of you very dearly. But this...this thing is very important to...me, and my parents. Yes, we are financially stable, but we are just the middle-income people. We can afford, but to a certain limit. And I have five other siblings, two who are already taken care of and another two that needs looking after should anything happen to my mother.

The other one will be fully supported by me if my mother and father passes on. My true sister.

*sigh*

Yes, I will keep reminding myself of this. And I promise, when I grow up, my children will never have to go through these. No loans or owing anyone, no forcing them to...to declare my status as M.I.A. (Missing In Action) to get a loan, no...no ridiculous nonsense bullshit things.

I will support them fully.

I will give my everything to them.

I will NOT let them go through what I am going through now. Ever.

Rhaegar, Elerrina, Elissis, and Enefea; these are the children I hope to have later in the future. And I pray that everything goes well when the time comes for them. And for my husband and I. Should a divorce happen along the way, I will not let my husband take any of my child nor will he have the house we live in. If I must be a single mother, then I shall. But if possible, I will try to not let anything happen to the family, what more a divorce.

*sigh* Men have it easier, eh?