i'm with you all the way

Wilkommen

Aufsteigende Flügel is German for "Soaring Wings", a beautiful piano piece composed by Masashi Hamauzu. It is a retreat, a place for me to speak my mind, my thoughts, and my ideas. I bid you all welcome and please, enjoy your stay while you can.

In case you're wondering, the song you hear playing in the background is called Memories, composed and performed by Kow Otani for the best PS2 game of all time, Shadow of the Colossus. This was one of the many unused tracks from the game, so I thought I might do it justice playing this lovely track here. It may take a while to load, but please pause it and give it a good listen. Otani makes good music (unfortunately, this is the only one I know of), and this is one of them. Enjoy!



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"Who I am and what I want are a secret."



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Vielen Dank

Layout: vehemency
Icon: TCS, Sunlitdays, Bella.Sol
Saturday, May 31, 2008, 12:32
Update for Neji

All right, this will be done swiftly to avoid any...confusion amongst yourselves (not that you're interested now, are you?).

UPDATES!

  • I will not be going to UiTM after much discussion and also after finding out that my Father can still provide the money for my education in Taylor's;
  • I am loaded with assignments (explains why I didn't update);
  • I am currently not in good terms with my Mother thanks to this (assignments and my decision);
  • I am hungry. Terribly hungry;
  • I have finally witnessed the new RM50 notes;
  • I am...well...tired. Very tired.
  • And I love Aiman. =3
That's all for today! =D More will be explained later!




Thursday, May 8, 2008, 07:19
A New Path

I've been such a whiny brat when it comes to universities. The thought of me going back to the same hell hole that I've suffered in for 2 whole years was loathing. Terribly loathing.

I have always been a little annoyed by Malays (despite the fact that some of them are my friends, and my beloved), well, not all of them. Some. Those that I was forced to mingle with back then, that was the one I was referring to. Yes, I know I sound very arrogant here, but the thought of them really gets on my nerve sometimes. Throughout these years, I have grew up with a certain hatred for my own race, often arguing with my Dad about them and telling my Mother that I was right about them Malays.

Yet, it feels a little different now.



I don't know when I started to actually feel all right with them. Probably after the death of my late uncle, I presume. Judging from his written works, I was somehow able to change my mind about them. My late uncle, despite how wise he may seem than anyone else I know, supports the Malay and was truly proud of his written work for both languages. Though, from my point of view, it seems that he enjoys our mother tongue more.

For some reason, I feel more appreciative of my race, and even my language. Well, not to the point where I would speak in Bahasa Malaysia 24/7. Just, well, I come to truly appreciate the mother tongue. That, and perhaps a bit of my own race itself.

With that, my perception on local universities changed even more. I begin to actually like the idea of going there.

But the thought of leaving my friends and beloved stops me from going. The thought of...not seeing them for a very long time made me cry. I knew I could not stand the thought of not seeing my friends and beloved like I used to before this. And because of that, I chose not to go. Besides, I have the loan with me (though I'm not sure when it'll come though), that should be enough. Right?

The first time I saw the offer to go to UiTM on the website itself, I prayed hard that it was not the campus in Melaka. Well, I suppose I've asked enough prayers from God, it seems, for on that day, He has decided to bestow a great challenge instead of a blessing. The words were clearly written there on the screen:

Sila datang mendaftar di tempat yang ditetapkan.

Tempat:
UITM KAMPUS ALOR GAJAH
KM 26 JALAN LENDU, 78000 ALOR GAJAH, MELAKA

Tarikh:
28/06/2008

Masa:
8:30AM - 4:30PM



At that moment, I felt like breaking down.

A part of me screamed at me, "You pathetic little girl, it's just MELAKA. Think about your cousin who went ALL THE WAY to the UiTM in JOHOR. Think how FAR AWAY that is from your place,"

But my timid, little voice spoke up to that angry voice, "It's still far...from home...from friends..." I gulped, "From beloved,"

The angry voice sighed; "Look, Alissa. If he really is the one for you, he would wait. If he proves to be different from any other men and if he truly wants you,

he would wait,"


But still, I was hesitant and my thoughts were even more screwed up when I told him about it. I was worried. And fearful. I fear to leave him, I fear that he might find someone else when I am currently desperately and deeply in love with him. I fear the thought of losing him.



I fear the distance.


So, like the whiny child I am, I cried for two nights, whining at Saaya (my imaginary friend) and just pouring it all out on him for those two nights in the dark. I simply couldn't bear the thought of being apart from him. I mean, we just got back together six months back after him forgiving me for my blunder in the last one. This time, I truly knew what it felt to love someone with all your heart and soul. It was a wonderful feeling when you feel it, but it also carries the painful burden of distance. Yes, this is the kind of relationship I am in now, one where proximity is of the utmost importance in maintaining trust and love.

One morning, I woke up and told myself that I will not go. But by me saying this, I only had him and my friends in mind. Education? Well, that was somewhere down there. My friends and beloved were on the top of the top of my reasons. So yes, I've actually planned out my words and what to do and how to act when I break the news to my Mother and Dad.

But on that day itself, my Mother returned early from her work and gave me a letter that was addressed to me. I could see the logo and I knew what it was the moment I held it in my hands.

It was the official letter. They even included the student guidebook in it.

My Mother told me to read it and left me alone for a quite a while. There, I saw the wonders of a local university.

RM400 a YEAR. A YEAR, DO YOU HEAR ME? RM400 FOR A YEAR, THAT'S LIKE...RM200 FOR A SEMESTER! Add that with a few other itty gritty details, you get the total sum of RM558! That, and the beauty of a local university is that the government is sponsoring like...95% of it. The original fees were pretty much similar to Taylor's (around RM9, 500 and above), but the government paid RM8, 000 something, and all WE have to do is just pay RM400 (in my case, RM558). It's SUCH a good offer.

And despite all that my cousin has said about UiTM, a friend of my Mother's who studied in the Melaka said that the campus got even better and all.

At this point, I was already crying and laughing at the same time. I couldn't tell whether it was out of joy or sorrow. Perhaps a mixture of both, or perhaps it was something else. I couldn't find the words to describe it, but yes, I felt it and it was very strong. And it was there where I made up my mind.

I want to go.

My desire to discover new paths and places was stronger than my desire to stay and remain. I thought of myself as a nomad, in a strange sort of way, when I was thinking about this.

But I would only tell my Mother that I chose to go today.

And him, my beloved.

I just pray that he would understand my decision. It isn't because I wanted to be apart from him, NO. No more. Though going to UiTM is not my true dream, but going to a REAL campus and experiencing life there is a whole different world. And I have already mentioned in my little essay I wrote during my interview, I WANT to make a change there. I WANT to change the people's perception on UiTM. I want and I will show and prove to them that it is as good as any Universities out there.

So yes. It will be any moment now before he arrives and I tell him. After all, I promised to tell him first before my Mother.

I just hope...I truly hope he will understand. And I truly hope he is the one for me.

Blegh, it's only a 4 1/2 years course, like how he is now in Taylor's. =P Shouldn't be a problem.

So yes, I will be gone by the 28th of June 2008. Of course, I'll be able to finish my first semester here, but after that, I won't be seeing all of you for the second semester. =) Not that it makes any difference now, does it? I'm just here, and then I'm gone.

Oh well, that's enough for today. And thank you for any of you who were kind enough to read this from top to bottom and understand why I chose to do this. Thank you, and I pray that you will always be happy. =3

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Friday, May 2, 2008, 07:50
10 Minutes Left

~looping "Final Battle", Lucifer's Battle Theme Song, soundtrack from Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne~
I'm typing this down, knowing that I will be presenting in another 10 minutes (5, actually. I was looking elsewhere =P ). Let me just give you a little update on what's going on with me right now~
  • I am currently suffering from Herpes/Cold Sore on the bottom part of my lips.
  • My youngest sister on my Mother's side, Bella, is in the hospital.
  • I HAVE ACCESS TO MY MOTHER'S CAR! WOOTS!
  • I am seriously contemplating on going to UiTM.
  • I want something to eat. Now.
  • I want to see him before he leaves. ;__;
  • I've been missing a lot of my aunt's kenduri for my late Uncle.
  • I bought two of Pak Long's new books (Failed Nation? and Social Roots of the Malay Left)
  • We played netball at Julia's sports thingie yesterday at Matsushita Sport's Complex and got second place! (lucky for us amateurs~ XD)
  • I am thinking on creating a new female character in Bedlam.

And that is it. More elaboration to come...well, soon. Ooh! And, and, and~ I'll be changing my number to a digi number, so I expect all of ya ta...well...get the hang of it. Hehe~

-Over and out-

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