a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

Now all is revealed.

All is done. All is served.

And all that is left is a choice.

My heart speaks for both, my heart yearns for both, but my mind...it reaches out for the logic behind the two choices my heart made.

One is already there, and all it needs is a little fix here and there to make it better.

The other is still in its first phase. Many disadvantages, many...hardships, and it is almost like a descent into the unknown.

People say you should always follow what your heart truly desires. But when they said that, were they even aware of the logic behind their choices? Do they even know the consequences of doing so? Sure, it makes them happy, but what about later? They would probably end up cursing their choice and mistake, hoping that they would be able to undo that mistake.

But time is a cruel being, and when it says that it is too late, it says it with a cold, unloving voice.

I'd like to think that the heart is a naive being, one who is only capable of thinking as far as the present goes. Whereas the mind is where it is able to reach further, contemplate, and think. THINK.

With the heart and mind at war, what is the soul to do?

I sit here on this lonely boulder, no—rock, as I watched the sun rise from your hills. And I must say; that is probably the one thing that I truly love about you, Lorraine.

It was probably the longest journey I have ever been, and on the first day I arrived here, you showed me the loveliest sunrise. Immediately, I was taken aback. You showed promise, a tinge of hope on the idea of ‘eternity’; something that never really crossed my mind during my travels. I watched the sun rise from your lovely hills on that day, and at that very moment, I thought this was ‘the’ stop, the permanent stop.

And when I first learned of your name, I thought nothing more would fit better name than that. Lorraine; it sounded like a name one would give to a lovely woman. And to me, you are that lovely being that captured my heart.

Everything seemed to fit, I thought; your name, your calm winds, your perfect curves that formed the hills I now stand on, and your beautiful visage of the morning sun. And that was when I decided.

Yes, I will stay here. Yes, I will love you, Lorraine. Yes I will cherish you.

Yes, I will make you my home.

I took up residence in one of your villages nearby the hills, Locksdale, and met your people. There were not that many people, to be honest. Most left your lands to venture elsewhere, some remained but were much too busy to notice your beauty, but they love you, nonetheless, and they were friendly. We became fast friends, but nothing beyond that, it seems. Despite our friendliness, we were still mere acquaintances.

But I had no complaints. If anything, it gave me the time to get to know you better.

I took the time to explore your forests, savouring the taste of wood in the air and sensing a tinge of ancient wisdom to it. At once, I knew you were very knowledgeable and wise. Though time has passed, your forests continue to grow and retain its history deep within the roots of its trees.

I visited your rivers and falls, tasting your sweet waters, my dearest Lorraine. Then I would venture to the hills and meadows, running through them freely with my hands feeling through their long grasses. It was almost like running a hand through your lovely hair, Lorraine.

Once a while, the villagers and I would sit together by a bonfire. We would trade stories and laughter. I soon grew closer to them, particularly with this lovely young lady who knew a lot about you. We were never meant to be, of course, she knew I was much too in love with you. She left Locksdale, eventually, and I remained here in Locksdale to understand you further.

Oh, I did so many things, Lorraine. I explored so many parts of you in those days and truly felt bliss. You were such a wonderful existence, Lorraine.

But the one thing that I truly love about you, Lorraine, is your rising sun. It was different from the ones I’ve seen during my last journeys. It was different because…it gave me something to remember, to cherish, and to truly appreciate. And for once, I could truly utter the words ‘I love you’ with feeling once more.

And I love you, Lorraine, I truly do.

The days I spent here with you were long, very very long. At one point, I actually thought about growing old and dying in your very lands, Lorraine.

But one day, while witnessing your rising sun as always, I found myself looking at your mountains. It came to me as odd because, you see, during one of my exploration, I never really noticed those mountains until that very day. Of course, I did see it from time to time, but it never really came across my mind to climb your mountains.

The villagers told me that the mountains were the borders of your land. Those who left you would have to go past those mountains and venture beyond, into the unknown lands.

That was probably another reason why I tried not to notice the mountains. I was terrified, afraid of what might lie beyond those mountains, afraid that it would change everything I have right now. I am content, and I am happy with what I have right now, Lorraine, and I did not want to lose it all by climbing that mountain and seeing what the others have seen. Most of all, I was afraid of change.

But on that day itself, I decided to explore the mountains. I was curious, and I wanted to know, no—I had to know. So I begin my trek, following the paths leading up to the top of the mountains. It was a harsh journey, I realised, and at times, I thought I might lose sight of you, Lorraine. I truly thought I would, because at that very moment, I thought I saw the worst of you, Lorraine.

Your winds, that were once calm and loving, were then cold and cruel voices that pointed the weaknesses in me. Your craggy path forced me to go along with it despite my protests and cries. And if I didn’t follow those paths of yours, I would fall or end up being lost. Every tiny detail that you forced upon me annoyed me to the point where I just felt like throwing my equipments down and just fall to my doom.

And here, I thought, where was the calm Lorraine that would caress my cheek lovingly with her gentle winds? Where was the sensual Lorraine that made love to me when I slept beneath her beautiful blanket of stars? Where was Lorraine, the Lorraine that I knew, that I wanted?

Then I realised something; the Lorraine that I knew was the Lorraine I wanted to know, the Lorraine that I dreamt of all these while. I never thought that lovely Lorraine would come with this cruel mountain.

Out of anger and disappointment, I left the mountains and returned to the village. For days, I brooded, feeling disappointed that I chose to climb the mountains. I began to compare you to the places I have been before this and pointed out the similarities you had with them.

It would all start out nice and lovely, but one fine detail of it would put it all to ruin. I would despise it, and then run off to another place, in search of a better place than the former one. This, I have noticed during my last travels, and it is happening again with you, Lorraine. It is happening again. I was about to run away again.

But then I stopped myself. I sat back and thought a lot about myself and the things in me that I thought I should change. There, I found many faults within me too. I was a coward, I was not too assertive with my choices, I was a fool, and I was a greedy man who wanted more than I could have; that and many more.

I could change that, yes, but with you, Lorraine, I could think of nothing more but your faults rather than mine. It was a despicable thought, but it was there. It remained. I cursed myself for feeling that way towards you, and brooded once more.

One day, after spending the past few days cooped up in my house, I strolled out in the morning and there I saw it; the sunrise, Lorraine’s sunrise. I fell in love with you all over again, but I was consumed with guilt for my cruel feelings towards you.

But eventually, I came to a decision.

As much as I would love to stay here, Lorraine, I know that the mountains would haunt me, and my darker feelings would consume the pure love that I have for you. It was not your fault, Lorraine; it never was your fault to begin with. I realised that the fault was within me, and I vowed to change that. But remaining here with you would not change that. If anything, it would turn me more into those cruel mountains of yours.

So, Lorraine, my dearest love, I find that I must leave you.

My reason was not only that, but also, I wish to know of the lands beyond those mountains of yours. I wish to escape this…peaceful life and plunge into the very pits of chaos itself. I want to understand the pain of leaving you, and the pain of living without your calm winds and your beautiful sunrise. I want to feel them all.

I only hope that you would be able to understand my wishes, Lorraine. It is something that I must do, in order to find myself, find the faults that I refused to face, and change. I want to have the courage to change, and I must.

So here I sit, upon this lonely rock, watching the sunrise with you for the last time.

And here I leave this note; a tearful farewell and a kiss goodbye.

I love you, my dearest Lorraine, and I would never forget you. Perhaps one day, I would return again, but that day is much too far for me to see. But I would always love you, Lorraine, and you will always be in my heart.

Farewell.

My mom (stepmom, for those who don't know) likes to ask me strange questions. Some of these questions made me wonder about her too. And thus, I have concluded that she is a very paranoid person.

And suspicious with her motives too.

Which made me ask this to her in return:

"Ummi," I asked when we were both the only ones at the table after dinner, "Were you a virgin when you married my father?"

She looked at me straight in the eye, paused for a moment, before telling me this; "Did you think your mother was a virgin when she married your father?"

Well, I thought, that tells me something.

The days I spent living in this world would probably reach up to...approximately 730 days (not counting the leap years because I'm lazy like that), and still counting. And within these days, particularly the recent ones, I've seen and knew many types of people.

And the thing about people is that they almost always continue to surprise me in...some of the most strangest ways. Normally, I would just conclude that it's how people are and how everyone's different. Just the normal generalisation of things. I would try, and try, but somehow or rather, there will always be one or two that ticks me off. And most of the time, it comes with the feeling of "fear".

Others would come out straight and say that this is just a form of sexual harassment, but I, knowing my mentality and how I process and decisions and thoughts, I would always try to find the reason behind it. In other words, my verdict when it comes to judging someone is this: innocent until proven guilty. But the problem is, you're asking me to judge someone. And when I do judge someone, I judge them entirely; I consider their past, how their past affected their behaviour of today, and that maybe, just maybe, they are not what people judge them to be.

Most of the time, this method has either failed terribly or just...well, burden me more with their problems and worry when I have my own to handle. Then again, it was my fault for offering my shoulder and my ears for them to pour out their worries and thoughts. And then I try to ease them. Sometimes, up to the point where I would be open to many dangers simply because I put complete trust in that person, and in myself, that this will make him feel better.

Either that or I just don't want to offend anyone.

I know this is a problem that I have to fix, but that thought remains; "What if this completely changes who I am? Won't I be even more...horrible that way?". My mind snaps back to who I am. To be honest, I am very comfortable with my current self and I don't want to change it, if possible. Because, you see, if I do change, I will either be on the extreme side of one stand, or on the opposite side. Both sides; extreme. And right now, I am struggling to stay in the middle.

*sighs*

In any case, I think I am being sexually harassed.

I met this man, a bus driver, whenever I go home from campus. He was a nice man, married with 5 kids, and from what I can see, he just likes to talk. So I befriended him and everytime we meet at the bus stop, we would stop to chat. We exchanged numbers in case any of us wants to talk to each other (but to be honest, it was more for him than me because...well, I thought it would only be fair. And I couldn't come up with a proper excuse to say no to him at that time)

But now that I have a car with me, I hardly take the bus now.

So one day, he texted me and we chatted for a while through our text messages. I only wanted to be friends with him (because I assume that that was what he wanted too), but I had the feeling that he wanted something more from this.

Then the next day, he texted me and asked me if he could make me his adopted child (I would like to assume that this is similar to the whole "kakak/abang angkat"/big sis/bro thing that we have). But...from the way it was said and the way he meant it...

Eitherway, I questioned his motives for this and he only told me that it was done to avoid any complications in the near future (I mean, he's married). I knew what he meant by that, but from then on...

If anything, it scares me. Terribly.

...

I'll...find a way to this.

Indeed, I could do most anything to this blog layout since I got these codes and decided to tweak it here and there. I may not know anything about HTML, but I at least know how to tweak something after much observation. 

This. Is. Brilliant. 

No more hunting for blogskins, no more looking out for non-navigational skin, no more hunting for blogskins to suit the mood. With this skin, I can just change the pictures and the title header whatsis whenever I want to (expect a wee bit explicit pictures from time to time, 'tis just my way of expressing my love and interest for artistic nudity or sex so do not be alarmed, my fellow readers). It only takes a few tweakings to get things running your way.

Speaking of tweaking, I remember something about our Malaysian government today. According to what I heard from Nash, Mr. Najib is coming to power...or had, this morn. Najib (our deputy prime minister) will be taking over Abdullah as Prime Minister from this day onward. My ears caught rumours that spoke of the next Mahathir in power. Will there be more fucked-up moments like how it was during Abdullah's rule? Or will there be total 'order' according to Najib's law like how it was with Mahathir? Those are just two viewpoints; what if he might just be an entirely new problem?

I am not saying that Anwar would have done a better job because seeing the things going on right now, I would assume that it will take a very long time to fix the problems in our beloved Malaysia, no matter who comes to power. At any rate, if things get worse, we may never know what horrors lie ahead in our journey towards the future.

But enough about politics. Let's talk about you, your problems, and your attempts on committing suicide. 

At least that was what my friend and I figured out when we deciphered this simple song by Snow Patrol:

This one is called Somewhere a Clock is Ticking. Normally, I would avoid songs like these, but this one caught my curiosity with its odd, choppy-like lyrics and the progress of the melody. It feels heavy, like something you've been dragging with you all these while, like a thought you've been thinking of but never really did anything to it, like a guilt that clings to you, like a dreaded feeling that stalks you all your life. This song has that element to it after I listened to it.

Judging from the lyrics, the way certain lines were repeated constantly throughout the whole song, and the mood the song gives out, my friend and I concluded that this was the very thought of a person going through a suicide phase...and was finally able to free himself from this world and the chains that bind him here. 

If I were to begin analysing the lyrics one by one here, I'm pretty sure you would end up clicking on another link with a shorter post in it. And with more pictures, of course. So, yes, that would probably be the end of my song-rant. 

Just so you know, that music-analysing session I had with my friend was done in the midst of me completing my photo-critique assignment around...say 4:30am? I only completed my assignment by 5:30 and slept for 15 minutes before getting up to shower (I live pretty far. 5:45am is the ideal time to get up, and the most I can push). And then I just remembered that I didn't have both my lunch and my dinner yesterday. That probably explains why I feel the need to devour brains and lurch about the house like the next undead being roaming this world.

Yes. I am dead tired. And my words can be pretty incoherent at times (and maybe a little off-tuned in the head). 

At this point, I really couldn't care less if my friends over in States are genuine. I just want to travel; fly from this rock, away from everyone I know here, and roam the alien streets of New York alone. If there be no bunking-in, I could try that hostel Chelly told us about. Meh. 

Eitherway, I will fly. 

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My apologies, fellow readers, I am unable to process any gold from the many junks in my mind. I must give it time.