a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

The days I spent living in this world would probably reach up to...approximately 730 days (not counting the leap years because I'm lazy like that), and still counting. And within these days, particularly the recent ones, I've seen and knew many types of people.

And the thing about people is that they almost always continue to surprise me in...some of the most strangest ways. Normally, I would just conclude that it's how people are and how everyone's different. Just the normal generalisation of things. I would try, and try, but somehow or rather, there will always be one or two that ticks me off. And most of the time, it comes with the feeling of "fear".

Others would come out straight and say that this is just a form of sexual harassment, but I, knowing my mentality and how I process and decisions and thoughts, I would always try to find the reason behind it. In other words, my verdict when it comes to judging someone is this: innocent until proven guilty. But the problem is, you're asking me to judge someone. And when I do judge someone, I judge them entirely; I consider their past, how their past affected their behaviour of today, and that maybe, just maybe, they are not what people judge them to be.

Most of the time, this method has either failed terribly or just...well, burden me more with their problems and worry when I have my own to handle. Then again, it was my fault for offering my shoulder and my ears for them to pour out their worries and thoughts. And then I try to ease them. Sometimes, up to the point where I would be open to many dangers simply because I put complete trust in that person, and in myself, that this will make him feel better.

Either that or I just don't want to offend anyone.

I know this is a problem that I have to fix, but that thought remains; "What if this completely changes who I am? Won't I be even more...horrible that way?". My mind snaps back to who I am. To be honest, I am very comfortable with my current self and I don't want to change it, if possible. Because, you see, if I do change, I will either be on the extreme side of one stand, or on the opposite side. Both sides; extreme. And right now, I am struggling to stay in the middle.

*sighs*

In any case, I think I am being sexually harassed.

I met this man, a bus driver, whenever I go home from campus. He was a nice man, married with 5 kids, and from what I can see, he just likes to talk. So I befriended him and everytime we meet at the bus stop, we would stop to chat. We exchanged numbers in case any of us wants to talk to each other (but to be honest, it was more for him than me because...well, I thought it would only be fair. And I couldn't come up with a proper excuse to say no to him at that time)

But now that I have a car with me, I hardly take the bus now.

So one day, he texted me and we chatted for a while through our text messages. I only wanted to be friends with him (because I assume that that was what he wanted too), but I had the feeling that he wanted something more from this.

Then the next day, he texted me and asked me if he could make me his adopted child (I would like to assume that this is similar to the whole "kakak/abang angkat"/big sis/bro thing that we have). But...from the way it was said and the way he meant it...

Eitherway, I questioned his motives for this and he only told me that it was done to avoid any complications in the near future (I mean, he's married). I knew what he meant by that, but from then on...

If anything, it scares me. Terribly.

...

I'll...find a way to this.