a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

I sit here on this lonely boulder, no—rock, as I watched the sun rise from your hills. And I must say; that is probably the one thing that I truly love about you, Lorraine.

It was probably the longest journey I have ever been, and on the first day I arrived here, you showed me the loveliest sunrise. Immediately, I was taken aback. You showed promise, a tinge of hope on the idea of ‘eternity’; something that never really crossed my mind during my travels. I watched the sun rise from your lovely hills on that day, and at that very moment, I thought this was ‘the’ stop, the permanent stop.

And when I first learned of your name, I thought nothing more would fit better name than that. Lorraine; it sounded like a name one would give to a lovely woman. And to me, you are that lovely being that captured my heart.

Everything seemed to fit, I thought; your name, your calm winds, your perfect curves that formed the hills I now stand on, and your beautiful visage of the morning sun. And that was when I decided.

Yes, I will stay here. Yes, I will love you, Lorraine. Yes I will cherish you.

Yes, I will make you my home.

I took up residence in one of your villages nearby the hills, Locksdale, and met your people. There were not that many people, to be honest. Most left your lands to venture elsewhere, some remained but were much too busy to notice your beauty, but they love you, nonetheless, and they were friendly. We became fast friends, but nothing beyond that, it seems. Despite our friendliness, we were still mere acquaintances.

But I had no complaints. If anything, it gave me the time to get to know you better.

I took the time to explore your forests, savouring the taste of wood in the air and sensing a tinge of ancient wisdom to it. At once, I knew you were very knowledgeable and wise. Though time has passed, your forests continue to grow and retain its history deep within the roots of its trees.

I visited your rivers and falls, tasting your sweet waters, my dearest Lorraine. Then I would venture to the hills and meadows, running through them freely with my hands feeling through their long grasses. It was almost like running a hand through your lovely hair, Lorraine.

Once a while, the villagers and I would sit together by a bonfire. We would trade stories and laughter. I soon grew closer to them, particularly with this lovely young lady who knew a lot about you. We were never meant to be, of course, she knew I was much too in love with you. She left Locksdale, eventually, and I remained here in Locksdale to understand you further.

Oh, I did so many things, Lorraine. I explored so many parts of you in those days and truly felt bliss. You were such a wonderful existence, Lorraine.

But the one thing that I truly love about you, Lorraine, is your rising sun. It was different from the ones I’ve seen during my last journeys. It was different because…it gave me something to remember, to cherish, and to truly appreciate. And for once, I could truly utter the words ‘I love you’ with feeling once more.

And I love you, Lorraine, I truly do.

The days I spent here with you were long, very very long. At one point, I actually thought about growing old and dying in your very lands, Lorraine.

But one day, while witnessing your rising sun as always, I found myself looking at your mountains. It came to me as odd because, you see, during one of my exploration, I never really noticed those mountains until that very day. Of course, I did see it from time to time, but it never really came across my mind to climb your mountains.

The villagers told me that the mountains were the borders of your land. Those who left you would have to go past those mountains and venture beyond, into the unknown lands.

That was probably another reason why I tried not to notice the mountains. I was terrified, afraid of what might lie beyond those mountains, afraid that it would change everything I have right now. I am content, and I am happy with what I have right now, Lorraine, and I did not want to lose it all by climbing that mountain and seeing what the others have seen. Most of all, I was afraid of change.

But on that day itself, I decided to explore the mountains. I was curious, and I wanted to know, no—I had to know. So I begin my trek, following the paths leading up to the top of the mountains. It was a harsh journey, I realised, and at times, I thought I might lose sight of you, Lorraine. I truly thought I would, because at that very moment, I thought I saw the worst of you, Lorraine.

Your winds, that were once calm and loving, were then cold and cruel voices that pointed the weaknesses in me. Your craggy path forced me to go along with it despite my protests and cries. And if I didn’t follow those paths of yours, I would fall or end up being lost. Every tiny detail that you forced upon me annoyed me to the point where I just felt like throwing my equipments down and just fall to my doom.

And here, I thought, where was the calm Lorraine that would caress my cheek lovingly with her gentle winds? Where was the sensual Lorraine that made love to me when I slept beneath her beautiful blanket of stars? Where was Lorraine, the Lorraine that I knew, that I wanted?

Then I realised something; the Lorraine that I knew was the Lorraine I wanted to know, the Lorraine that I dreamt of all these while. I never thought that lovely Lorraine would come with this cruel mountain.

Out of anger and disappointment, I left the mountains and returned to the village. For days, I brooded, feeling disappointed that I chose to climb the mountains. I began to compare you to the places I have been before this and pointed out the similarities you had with them.

It would all start out nice and lovely, but one fine detail of it would put it all to ruin. I would despise it, and then run off to another place, in search of a better place than the former one. This, I have noticed during my last travels, and it is happening again with you, Lorraine. It is happening again. I was about to run away again.

But then I stopped myself. I sat back and thought a lot about myself and the things in me that I thought I should change. There, I found many faults within me too. I was a coward, I was not too assertive with my choices, I was a fool, and I was a greedy man who wanted more than I could have; that and many more.

I could change that, yes, but with you, Lorraine, I could think of nothing more but your faults rather than mine. It was a despicable thought, but it was there. It remained. I cursed myself for feeling that way towards you, and brooded once more.

One day, after spending the past few days cooped up in my house, I strolled out in the morning and there I saw it; the sunrise, Lorraine’s sunrise. I fell in love with you all over again, but I was consumed with guilt for my cruel feelings towards you.

But eventually, I came to a decision.

As much as I would love to stay here, Lorraine, I know that the mountains would haunt me, and my darker feelings would consume the pure love that I have for you. It was not your fault, Lorraine; it never was your fault to begin with. I realised that the fault was within me, and I vowed to change that. But remaining here with you would not change that. If anything, it would turn me more into those cruel mountains of yours.

So, Lorraine, my dearest love, I find that I must leave you.

My reason was not only that, but also, I wish to know of the lands beyond those mountains of yours. I wish to escape this…peaceful life and plunge into the very pits of chaos itself. I want to understand the pain of leaving you, and the pain of living without your calm winds and your beautiful sunrise. I want to feel them all.

I only hope that you would be able to understand my wishes, Lorraine. It is something that I must do, in order to find myself, find the faults that I refused to face, and change. I want to have the courage to change, and I must.

So here I sit, upon this lonely rock, watching the sunrise with you for the last time.

And here I leave this note; a tearful farewell and a kiss goodbye.

I love you, my dearest Lorraine, and I would never forget you. Perhaps one day, I would return again, but that day is much too far for me to see. But I would always love you, Lorraine, and you will always be in my heart.

Farewell.