a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

This girl was a very cheerful girl, and she never lets anything get her down. Because if that really happens, then she's in for a big one. Of course, she was somewhat spoiled and her parents would go and comfort her should she throw a tantrum.

She was 9 when she started noticing.

9 years of complete attention from parents. Why, she was one of the happiest kids around. And in school, she would go through great lengths to please others, just so she could be accepted by her peers and become friends with them. She didn't mind making herself look like a fool to them; to her, she was making them happy. Laugh. And in return, she receives the same attention that she gets from her parents.

But when things went awry somewhere down the road, she found herself terribly confused. At night, she would hear loud voices coming from outside the door of her room. Someone would force her out of bed so she could sit there, by the door, and listen to those voices. When day came, things changed; her mother and father were gone. But when night came, only her father returned.

He no longer sleeps in the bedroom with her mother, and instead, sleeps in the guestroom. From time to time, she would join him as well, not worrying in the least bit that these two would later go their separate ways. But there was still much confusion in the air. Rumours of separation floated about, worrying her, scaring her. She did not want them to part, but what was she to do? She had no clue at all.

People told her to use brute force. But that only resulted in more loud voices.

Someone told her to use pity. But that was only answered in a series of complicating answers that made no sense to her.

She tried many things, many ways. She even planned out a scene with her sister to bring them back together, just like how it was in The Parent Trap. They were her idols, and she was bent on changing it back to normal. But movies are just as they are; Lohan too didn't have a happy ending on her end, her REAL end, that is. And the girl, she was probably seen as a nuisance for hindering them from THEIR plans.

And her sister was only 5.

So when her father moved out of the house, that was when she decided that she wouldn't care at all. In all her childish tomfoolery, she decided to let things be as it is. Relationships, friendships; they are as they are. And in the words of her mother, "people come and go". For the longest time, this was her motto. For the longest time, she told herself that she need not anyone.

For the longest time, she was alone.

She went on in life, avoiding arguments after arguments, she realised a lot of things. Someone told her that they went their separate ways long before she realised it. Another person told her that she was selfish. Others thought she was crazy. If anything, it made her sink in deeper into that comfortable shell of hers, ignoring the world around her as she did so.

That shell was comfortable, but it was very lonely.

But as she grew up, she realised that there were people who were there for her. There were people who still worry, who still care, who still loves, who still stayed. And yes, she treasured them, cherished their very existence, and loved them whole-heartedly. But then, her mother's words returned, and she stopped. She was doubtful.

A thoughtful voice spoke up from within her; "They come and they go because there's something missing; effort," said the voice, "Your mother said that because she gave up, in the most grown-up way possible, with flowers and complicating arrangement of posies here and about.

She gave up, but would you?"

It struck her right in the face that all these while, her mother had been wrong. But what would she do? If there was nothing for her to hold on to, what else is there?

"You are you, and this life is yours,"

The girl realised something; like how a lioness would leave her cubs after a certain age, her parents would do that too. But those cubs, they were sent out there, equipped with nothing but their mother's lessons. The rest is entirely up to them to live their lives through the savannah. Like those cubs, she was one too.

"It is time you create something in which you can hold on to. It is time for you stand on your own,"

She was reborned into a more mature figure, into one who is both fair and just, into one who is both humble and wise, into one who is both determined and mindful. The girl grew, and decided she was ready for the world.

Out she burst forth from the shell, and in one swift move, she plunged herself into the world.

But because she was a late bloomer, there were many, many things that she faced that forced her to the verge of insanity. Yet, she prevailed. Day after day, bearing scars after scars, and this time, she was not alone. She had comrades with her, people she could trust, people she loved.

The girl was not alone.

- - -

I realised that I have been staring into the computer screen a lot these days. This I noticed when my eyesight started to blur out when I drive on the road. As dangerous as it may seem, I just can't be the least bit bothered about it, simply because I have another bigger problem in me that has been there long before I had to start wearing my glasses.

Ignorance.

Sure, it helped me a lot back in those days. But really, how long can anyone even stay like this? To be honest, it's...maddening. I'm glad I got it out of my system. Well, maybe not all of it, I mean, it's good to be ignorant sometimes, but the kind of 'ignorance-stage' I went through was...hell. =/

I'm glad it's out.