a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

Yay! Double post! When was the last time this happened? *counts* ...well, not too long ago. But heck, it's my blog! I can double post all I want! Or triple post. Whatever.

Today, I followed my mom to KLIA to send my father off. He's flying to Jakarta again today, but by the time we reached there, it wasn't time for him to go yet. So yea, we ate at KFC while my siblings went off to play at the playground next to it. Father joined us and sat awhile before he left. And when it was time for him to leave, we all gave him kisses and bid him goodbye.

I personally thought that my farewell was not sincere at all.

Like every other farewell I gave him.

It is just like me saying "I know you'll be going back there sooner or later. And you'll come back again and see us. And then you'll go back there again. I couldn't care less,"

Oh, how I regretted thinking that way all these while.

When my Father turned around to walk away, pushing his trolley slowly as he did so, my Mom told me to look at him.

"Observe," she said, "Watch him,"

And so I watched him. Not once did he turn back to look at us. Not once did he sneak a glance to look back at us. He just went onwards.

"That's determination," she explained.

That got me thinking. A lot. Perhaps throughout the whole ride back to Father's place, and till now. Determination. It is a power within every human being that drives you to do something. It is strong enough to turn your face away from your loved ones, abandoning them to reach for your dreams.

That was all I managed. But while I thought about it, I realised a certain something deep within me. I can't truly explain...but it was something that moved me. The scene where my Father walked away kept repeating itself over and over again, etching itself deep inside my memories. As I have said, I can't find the words to truly explain that feeling, but it was there, all right. And it was strong enough to tear my heart apart at the thought of it.

At times, I find myself asking, "Do I truly have this power within me?"

Often, determination fails me. But it was all because of my lack of strength to work towards it. There were distractions, my lack of responsibility, and...other things that I simply must not include in here.

I'm not committed, often drifting away to do other things that suits my fancy. I don't take care of my relationships with others, often leaving them as they are and let them come look for me when I'm needed. I just...drift away, looking for others...forgetting everything else that happened before this.

But seeing my Father, I see that determination exists. And it is possible.

...

I just...