a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

So one day, I just decided...

"Perhaps I would do Linguistics after I graduate from my current degree course,"

It simply a thought that I had in mind at first, and to be honest, I was thinking of doing that before I came across mass comm. and journalism. Sure, it probably has a lot to do on writing (perhaps not the kind of writing that I enjoy) but it has language as its main element and I would love it.

Yes, yes, I have doubts too. Knowing me, I would probably find something else more interesting than the other and would end up switching to that. But for now, as I am still studying and teaching in my former tuition centre, I would like to think that getting a Masters in Linguistics would be the most probable solution to this strange-like heartache I have in me.

Now this raises another question; I call it 'heartache'. Why, one would wonder?

Maybe it was not the right term to use, yet, I feel it that way especially when I look at my students. As you all know, I am currently tutoring Std. 2, 3, 4, Form 1, Form 5, a Reading Class, and an Adult English class. And yes, you guessed it. They're all English.

This aching feeling was born when I saw how these children are struggling to grasp the language and to gain full understanding of it. At times, I find myself teaching them past tense and present tense when they should be able to automatically detect what and how. The worst for them would probably be on constructing sentences. Even at the age of...17 (Form 5s, the highest school education level before tertiary kicks in), they are still unable to construct a proper sentence.

Those who had it good in the past would probably be sailing calmly at this level. But these children, these teenagers, these adults...they are still struggling. No, this is not the case of being stubborn about sticking to Malay and not speaking English. This, my fellow readers, is the case of inferiority, the loss of confidence, and fear of failure. After all, who in this world enjoys showing everyone their weakness?

And I find that it is my sole responsibility to teach them, to bring that friendly subject known as English back to them, to make them come out of their shells and stand up with confidence. True, I can never make the horse drink the water, but the least I could do is make them taste it and to tell its texture before completely denying it.

And I believe that I could do this by solely focusing on Linguistics, particularly English, in this matter. Nay, I shan't do TESL (Teaching English as a Second Language). I believe getting in the root of the problem and solving it from bottom to top would be the best way. Hence, Linguistics.

But.......

First and foremost, look out for...SOC MEDIA CARNIVAL '09!

COMING BACK TO YOU IN OCTOBER!

And with that, I bid thee my fondest farewells, my fellow readers.

Yay! Double post! When was the last time this happened? *counts* ...well, not too long ago. But heck, it's my blog! I can double post all I want! Or triple post. Whatever.

Today, I followed my mom to KLIA to send my father off. He's flying to Jakarta again today, but by the time we reached there, it wasn't time for him to go yet. So yea, we ate at KFC while my siblings went off to play at the playground next to it. Father joined us and sat awhile before he left. And when it was time for him to leave, we all gave him kisses and bid him goodbye.

I personally thought that my farewell was not sincere at all.

Like every other farewell I gave him.

It is just like me saying "I know you'll be going back there sooner or later. And you'll come back again and see us. And then you'll go back there again. I couldn't care less,"

Oh, how I regretted thinking that way all these while.

When my Father turned around to walk away, pushing his trolley slowly as he did so, my Mom told me to look at him.

"Observe," she said, "Watch him,"

And so I watched him. Not once did he turn back to look at us. Not once did he sneak a glance to look back at us. He just went onwards.

"That's determination," she explained.

That got me thinking. A lot. Perhaps throughout the whole ride back to Father's place, and till now. Determination. It is a power within every human being that drives you to do something. It is strong enough to turn your face away from your loved ones, abandoning them to reach for your dreams.

That was all I managed. But while I thought about it, I realised a certain something deep within me. I can't truly explain...but it was something that moved me. The scene where my Father walked away kept repeating itself over and over again, etching itself deep inside my memories. As I have said, I can't find the words to truly explain that feeling, but it was there, all right. And it was strong enough to tear my heart apart at the thought of it.

At times, I find myself asking, "Do I truly have this power within me?"

Often, determination fails me. But it was all because of my lack of strength to work towards it. There were distractions, my lack of responsibility, and...other things that I simply must not include in here.

I'm not committed, often drifting away to do other things that suits my fancy. I don't take care of my relationships with others, often leaving them as they are and let them come look for me when I'm needed. I just...drift away, looking for others...forgetting everything else that happened before this.

But seeing my Father, I see that determination exists. And it is possible.

...

I just...

If I keep this up, I think the letters on my keyboard will come off soon enough. Is it me, or has Streamyx gotten slower these past few days? Perhaps it's because other people are using the same connection as mine (leeching, I expect). My neighbour next door (whom I used to leech from last time) has developed a method to ward off all leechers. It ain't as effective as those with passwords and blocking-IP-addresses thingies, but it served him better. I was thinking of doing the same thing starting from this day onwards.

Unfortunately, I use internet for...hmm, let's see, the whole day, perhaps?

*sigh* I should look around if I could do the whole IP-address-blocking thingie. There SHOULD be one for Streamyx, right?

Ah well.

I was looking through all the stories I've typed out in my folder and realised that none of them were finished. Well, just two short stories, but that's just it. A short story and a story isn't the same and...well, you get the idea.

The thing is, I have the story set in my mind. I know what happens next, I know how it will all end, I know how it all connects to each other. But the words needed to link them all together almost seem like it was never there. Sure, I can start out with just word by word, then everything will come together after that. But to actually get my mind to work is the hardest thing to do.

I suppose I'm just too lazy. Or maybe I needed more initiative, like the one for the Animax Awards (and nope, didn't finish that one either since I found out that it was too long).

There's so many ideas in my mind, so many stories, yet the words...the linkers...

It seems to me that I have to embark on a quest to find these linkers so I can finally weave stories into perfection.

Let the dragons come,

let the lovers fly from the grasp of my hand,

let the darkness consume my soul,

let the evil wizard shatters the very vessel of my soul,

let the king imprison me for treason,

I will not rest until I find those linkers. My quest for the perfection in the form of words will not be thwarted by such petty distractions!