a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

Love.

The first thing that comes to mind when you think about it are warm feelings, the kind of feelings that make you feel safe and secured at all times. It makes you happy, lustful, and it's a place where you can cling to for support. Heh, it can even make you do things you would never do before, like...risking your own life for the other.

Sure, that's human, but that act was driven by the very thing called 'love'. This feeling can be both a good thing, and a bad thing, of course. It can turn into an obsession, a curse, a change in life, a recipe for disaster, a monster. But when it all comes down to it, 'love' is just a feeling and these good and bad definitions we have for it are merely the machinations of the mind.

Some would agree, others would deny this fact.

But that is as far as I know about this strange feeling called 'love' because when I look at her, I see new meanings, new definitions, new...new everything.

Ah, no, don't get me wrong here. I am only her travel companion, someone she wanted as company on her travels. Her mind is elsewhere, and her heart drifts in the wind; I was nowhere in there. But to be honest, I never wanted to. My heart longs for the fiancee I left back at home, but for some strange reason, I ended up in her company.

Who is she, you ask? Well, that's what I have been trying to find out all these years. You see, she never really gave me a name or any clue about her identity. It was a difficult task when we first travelled together; I was unable to call her by anything.

"Lady, don't you have a name that I can use to call you?" I asked, a long time ago.

But she only smiled and shook her head; "You can call me just that, Mikhail,"

"Lady?"

"Yes,"

So from then onwards, I called her Lady. It suited her, I guess.

And did I tell you that she was the most beautiful woman I have ever met?

Of course, the term 'beauty' is only a perspective and as you know, different people have different perspectives of their own. But when it came to Lady, she was beautiful in every perspective, both mine and the others who see her. It was as though she...morphed herself entirely when it comes to others. Not physically, of course, but....there was something about the way she does to certain men that piques their curiosity and interest.

Let me give you an image of her; imagine a slim young woman, probably around the age of 18 to 20. Imagine long raven-black hair that reached down to her waist, wavy and bouncy. Imagine a pair of bright brown eyes that seemed to shimmer like gold. Imagine a slightly tanned, smooth skin covered in cloths of deep blue and pale yellow. Imagine perfection when it came to her limbs. Imagine that. Don't get me started with her nudes.

But even with her beauty, I was never aroused by it. Amazed, yes, but not aroused or interested. Like I have said before, it was as though she chooses when to do those to others.

And of course, a woman with her beauty has a line of both suitors and lovers behind her. But Lady never accepts their hand. Entirely. She takes their hand in matrimony, in an oath of undying love; and then she would disappear. Like the wind, she leaves as quickly as she would come.

Was she in great sorrow when she does that, you ask?

Honestly, even I fail to find the answers myself. Let's not start with my endless pondering on her decision to do so, though I have asked her before. But her reply was as enigmatic as the very perfection that is her to begin with.

"So you come, you give them a little something to dream of, and then you leave," I said during one of our stops, after leaving a city whose name I failed to remember, "Why do you break their hearts like that? Why do you smile when you step out of their beds and leave their humble abodes?"

Lady smiled and leaned back, "Why do dreams end when you wake up, Mikhail?"

For a moment there, I was taken aback by her question. Once more, I pondered at this, but Lady continued on.

"Why do people dream?" she stared at the fire wonderingly.

"Because it's the only place where they are given the freedom to do what they want. They can have everything there," I replied, certain of my answer, "But it's...it's not right to be that way because no one can have everything they want in the world. That is why they wake up,"

She giggled and looked at me, "So it is not right for you to desire Anna?"

What the hell did I just say? "No, no! Anna..." the image of my fiance flashed across my mind, "In time, Lady, in time. What I desire from her is something that we cannot grant each other until the day of our wedding,"

"And of poor men who dreams of riches?"

I frowned, "I am not a sage, Lady,"

"Neither am I godly enough to answer your questions with no err, Mikhail," she sighed and turned away, looking at the starlit sky above her, "I seek freedom, and I seek love. Two extreme ends of desires. I want to love, more than anything else, but I do not want to be tied down by its chains. Thus, I run far when the chains begin to form,"

I could not find the words to reply to this, so I kept my silence, waiting for her to continue.

"Selfish, I know, but....it is in my nature, I suppose," her eyes lowered to the ground, and in a soft voice, she whispered, "But I do love all of them, very much,"

Love? This is her view on love? Momentary dreams and hopes, only to be snatched away in mere seconds? I was outraged, of course, for this was not the love that I know and feel when I think of Anna! But then she looked at me with those bright brown eyes of hers piercing through mine as though she was expecting this anger in me. And my god, she smiled.

In that instance, my anger subsided, but only to be replaced by something else, something I realised at this moment. Perhaps it was an answer to the questions I posed above.

"You fear loneliness,"

Lady laughed unbelievingly, "Is that so?"

"You fear the chains, because they would later bring about lonelines. You left them because you know that one day, they would leave you. You left them because you do not have faith!"

My last word came out hard and cruel, as though I literally slapped it across her face. And it worked as I thought it would; she was sitting there, stunned by my words, and for a moment, I felt triumphant for being able to solve this puzzle, to exact justice upon this wrongdoer of love and hope, to exert the love that I have for Anna.

For the longest time, I stood there, staring at her, just waiting, no- daring her to say something.

"We are alone, Mikhail,"

I wanted to retort, but when I thought about it, I realised she meant something else. I waited for her to continue.

"We are all alone in the end," the expression on her face faded to nothing. Only a calm, pensive stare; "Faith is what keeps the dream on. People lose their faith, they wake up and start from the beginning. But to those who succeed, they would live in their dreams for as long as their faith lasts.

And then, it will be gone,"

It was so flawed, yet it rings with truth; why does it work that way? I cannot fathom it, despite her explanations, despite her words; I simply cannot...or rather, I choose not to. But to choose such a choice meant that I had nothing else to say in return.

"You cannot understand my thoughts, Mikhail," she added softly, "Because you have always deluded yourself with your thoughts, like most people do,"

I was at loss for words, and at that moment, I felt my very beliefs shakened by her words. My minds returned to Anna, my dearest Anna, but I could see nothing but those cruel possibilities that tainted the very image of my fiancee itself. Separation, anger, sorrow, disappointment, distrust, loneliness; I would have mentioned more if it were not for the depression that finally got to me.

You haven't seen the things that I've seen and felt throughout my life's journey.

But you're stronger than I am, Mikhail.

Because you are still pure, and I am tainted by my own thoughts and actions.

Perhaps deluding yourself in this makes a man the happiest living being in this world.

Yet, I only wish you the best.

We will part ways here, my friend.

Farewell, and pray that we may never cross paths again.

When I awoke, she was gone. But I heard her whispered words as I drifted between waking up and sleeping, and I thought about it for a while.

She may be right; we are all living in a dream we strongly believe in, and that we always try to make our dreams stay the way we want to. Hence, we become selfish in our ways, that then leads to separation. Betrayal. Silence. We are weak and selfish like that.

But she is wrong about one thing.

Not all of us are dreamers forever.

I, for one, intend to make mine and Anna's dreams come true. And there is nothing she can say against that.

And so, with a triumphant smile on my face, I begin my journey back to the village. To home. To Anna.

I'm coming, Anna.

- - -

This was something I wrote a long time ago, just trying to comprehend Akiko's/Alaistar's/Lady's thoughts and feelings to her actions. She...how do I put it, well, she is very, VERY emo when it comes to issues like this.

Well, that tends to happen when you live too long to see the whole scene played before you over and over again. Immortality screws you up a lot, that's why we're only given a limited lifespan.

Cherish it. And cherish every moment we spend.

It's the only thing we have left while time ticks our deaths into motion.

Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide.


Won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next


It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance


Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you through it all


And you can't keep us apart (even a thousand miles, can't keep us apart)
'Cause my heart is (cause my heart is) wherever you are


It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance


Oh no mountains too high enough, oceans too wide
'Cause together or not, our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be


It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you (like you)
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do (way we do)
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Can I have this dance
Can I have this dance

- - -

Can anyone be blamed for this?

Yes, me.

As cheesy and as corny as this may sound, I love this song.

And I love him. So. Very. Much.

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground...

I would love you, yes, I would, if I remember how it felt. It had been so long since I last had a woman in my arms. Centuries, eons, forever; these words surround the very thing you hold in your hands, beloved.

Would one go beyond death? Perhaps, for I am the living proof of it. Sadly, only I can exist in such a way. How amusing; you, who are at the brink of death, and I, beyond death. We truly are meant for each other, even if this moment is just a second away from your doom.

I would hold you close to me, my love, my nameless lover. My warmth will shelter you from Death's touch, claiming you as mine before I release you. My hands will caress your skin, and I will lean close to your ears and whisper loving words.

I would love you, yes, I would. And my memory returns gradually.

I would watch you fall, sprawled across the bed like a beautiful porcelain doll. Your lovely red hair, now a reminder of what was once an inferno of lust in the night, would dangle from the edges of the bed. You would raise your hand to me, beckoning me to your side. You would whisper my name like a chant. I was the wish, your wish.

Oh, love, if the gods were kind to you, I would rape you. I would take you with such force that would leave you begging for more!

Alas, your body grows weak by the second. Your breaths short and desperate, the fire in your eyes, dimming. Yet, in these hopeless moments, you would still give your love to me.

Make believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart...

Gods, give me time! Let me feel the humanity that I lost long ago, let me feel.

In the midst of my despair, you would calmly pull me to your side and kiss me. Your lips; they were cold yet...comforting. I would shudder, feeling your legs wrapped around my waist. I could hear your breaths growing shorter, and your voice, softer than before. But you would scream, moan, laugh, and cry.

You loved me.

And so did I.

It must have been love, but it's over now

Then you fell.

It must have been good, but I lost it somehow

There was a smile, a loving caress. And then, release.

It must have been love, but it's over now..

I watched you for a very long time. And in those moments, I remembered. In all those eternities I spent searching for immortality, I remembered.

From the moment we touched

till the time had run out...

I love you.

- - - - - -

Honestly, I could have done better, but I wasn't in the mood for it. To be precise, I can't remember how it all happened. I forgot the passion, the love, the lust, the desire when I wrote this down.

In case you're wondering, I was merely re-enacting a scene in a book by Anne Rice called Servant of the Bones. No, this scene only appeared once in the book (unlike her other vampire books) and this was a hetero relationship, not too worry.

I remembered reading this scene and strangely, at that moment, this song was played. And now, every time I hear this song, I remember Azriel and his lovemaking with that woman whose name I failed to remember. It was...bittersweet, really. He was her first and last lover. And yes, she did die in the end.

Bah, what a time for me to be feeling sappy. Hope you enjoyed the entry though.

She lives in one small room
Over the convienence store
She had big plans once
She doesn't have them anymore

Got little diamonds in her ears
But she's got coal in her eyes
It's been night so long now
She doesn't think the sun will rise

And she asks, "Is this all there is?
Won't this ever end?
There must be a better place"

Looking for another world
I'm not sure we should
I'm not sure salvation lies there
There is bad as well as good
Let us love each other now
As if this world is all there is

He wanted to believe
In the dreams he held so dear
He swam against the tide
But he was drowning in his fear

On the lost horizon
The goal kept shrinking down in size
It's been night so long now
He doesn't think the sun will rise

And he says, "This can't be all there is
There must be something more
There must be a better place"

Looking for another world
I'm not sure we should
I'm not sure salvation lies there
There is bad as well as good
Let us love each other now
As if this time is all there is

Lying here beside you
I wonder what will become of us
Of you and me, oh, of all of us
So many dangers, oh so much at stake

I'm scared of what I cannot see, my love
I am so scared

I'll help you if I can
I believe I've got to try
We all have our parts to play
And I am playing mine

I don't know about another world
What beyond this curtain lies
I know it's been night a long time
But one day the sun will rise
Yes, one day the sun will rise



- - - - - - -

This is a lovely song, I thought. The lyrics were beautiful and the emotion present in this song was strong. I feel a certain longing in here...and...well, I don't know if this could relate itself to what's happening now but...I feel it does.

The song was supposed to be talking about loss and moving on. In the show where Phillips played her character and sang this song, she was basically singing her late husband's song. And in a way, it talks about moving on.

For me though, I see it as...the many bumps and toughies present in a relationship. It shows a bond that is strong and would go through whatever for a brighter day. Despite the challenges, both of them would play their part in trying to repair the damage that was done. And eventually, 'the sun will rise'.

I have erred in so many ways, at times, I even wonder what the hell I just did. I can't even start on 'Why' when I can't find the answer for the 'What'. It's...strange. I know this would sound like I'm trying to run away from responsibilities, but...I must confess, I was an entirely different being when it comes to doing all those. My mind shifts, my thoughts differ from my usual self, and...I become someone else. Perhaps a shadow, a puppet, a queen, a shapeshifter; I was not myself.

But like all dreams, they would all come to an end, and I would soon be facing the real world and what I have with me at that moment.

My bond with him...it is strong. I can feel it. And I am convinced that he is the one for me, the one I would want to spend my whole life with. For that, I have discarded those visions, dreams, and fantasies of the stranger I wished to have met, and replaced it with the real one, the one that is standing right before me.

Today, I have said my farewells to the stranger and bid him safe passage in his life. I thanked him for his gifts from his realm and hope he finds someone else out there.

But starting from today onwards, I will look at no one else.

No one but him.

And I love him very very much.

You think taking care of someone is a simple task? Well, I tell you, it isn't.

You know you want to be everything for that person, but when you realise how light your wallet becomes, how you sometimes neglect your meals, how you often go against your parents' wishes for them, how you much you spent for them and none for you, how you would wait for them for hours and tell yourself that it doesn't bother you when it did, how you would do anything to just see them even for a split second, how you--

And the list goes on.

But then, when you think back about these things in your sulking moments, you would end up regretting and grind your teeth and brain as you think of all the money you spent on that one outing when you know your parents are having some sort of difficulty with their income. And there, you begin to blame yourself for your own stupidity because you spent too much, or rather, gave too much for that one person and none for your own.

Perhaps at this moment, you would regret it for actually being with that person. And perhaps in all your fury and anger, you decided to call it off. End it there, move on to the next person in the list, and later find out that that person turned out to be even worse than the one you had before.

Thus, the vicious cycle continues.

But that step can be skipped should you allow rationality to aid your judgement. You put yourself in that person's shoes and try to evaluate things from their point of view, and there you find that they are somewhat similar to yours. Perhaps that, and then you would see that they too suffer the same thing, but they are better than you, because despite all that, they still care for you and asks if you are all right in the midst of you thinking about all the money you spent.

Love later comes into the picture and melts your heart, probably enough to forgive him and tell yourself that you just needed to be a little more patient. Deep down inside, you really do love him but perhaps other factors contribute to those dark thoughts and made you feel down. But you must remember, he is still human.

Sure, he forgets your birthday, forgets to treat you for breakfast, forgets that you don't have enough to spend, forgets that you waited for him for so long and then later he doesn't treat you like you deserved it, and all the faulty ones.

But think again, haven't YOU treated him the same way?

So for you people out there who feels this way, think again! And yes, he still loves you, girls!

And I love you, Aiman Azri. *smiles*