a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

It would seem that the world does revolve around money.

Why, of course it does. We're so concerned about showing our wealth to people and adding price tags to it to show how exclusive they are, how we're above them.

Because society requires us so.

Because hard work can't be paid off without money, the same money attached to the above definition.

Money, money, money. How I loathe it.

Today, I was made aware on our lack of funds.

It would seem that my attempts to be sociable to my extended family yesterday turned out to be an utter failure. Again. I swear, if it's not me, then it's probably something that's been trying to get back at me from...god knows where/when.

Oh, of course, it made them laugh. But it would seem that I made a fool of my father in front of them when I talked about the condition of poor Ms. Dorothy (my Kancil) to them all, and how my dad (stepfather, in case you didn't know) told me countless of times to sell this car to buy a new one. Heh, I guess I'm lucky enough to know that it's just in front of them, and not in front of a whole crowd of strangers.

So my mom talked to me about it,

"How could you embarrass your father in front of them?"

I was shocked. I didn't know it went THAT way.

"Do you know that I'm paying for everything right now?"

"Yes,"

"Then why did you say that to them?"

Silence. I was still confused.

"Your father has no money, okay? Zero. The house, the cars, your education, your father's debts; I'm paying all of it,"

Well, if my loan gave me the extra 1000 needed to complete my fees, I wouldn't come whining to any of you. I'm still paying the bulk of it anyway.

But I know where this was going.

"Maybe if your parents didn't lavish so much back then, they would probably have enough money to settle your problems now,"

Again with that excuse.

"That's why it's even difficult to just get that extra 1000 you need for your fees. Your father can't even afford your sister's school fees, what more, yours,"

Guess I'll be paying that extra 2k myself when the semester ends.

2k, you're wondering? Well, I didn't pay enough for my last semester, and the balance was carried forward to my current semester. With the money from the loan, I cleared that bit, and paid a bit for my current semester.

I don't think it's something they have to know. We're already in a big mess, why add more, eh?

But that last bit there, I didn't know it was so.

"Don't do that again,"

"Yes,"

"Apologize to your father later,"

"Yes,"

Grit and bear, grit and bear, grit and bear, grit and bear.

...I...I don't know how to express this without sounding like a whining bitch, but when your emotions get tossed around like a piece of shit, it tends to come out that way. Especially when you are required to swallow that shit, whether you want to or not.

I hate going back home.

Heck, I don't know if I could still call any of those places as home. It suffocates me and forces a blank white slate to my face with certain words that are only allowed to be uttered within the house.

I want to run. Far. Away.

I hate this place.

I want to leave as soon as I'm done. And I don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.

I'm sick and tired of putting that same face I do.

I hate it when you put the fucking blame on my parents for your fucking stress.

I want to go for rehearsals. More rehearsals. The more, the better.

Come quickly, Viola, please.