a l l i e

"Who I am and what I want are a secret."

It is difficult to keep track on certain topic in your mind. Also, it is terribly dificult to think about the things you wish to avoid. Then again, it happens. And for some reason, as much as you keep it hidden from the world, there will always be someone who has the ability to fish it out from inside you.

That happened today, actually. But not too worry, it was nothing too serious. It was just one of her specialties, or rather, it is how she reacts whenever it is just the two of us. Somehow or rather, we will end up talking about it and she will be able to fish it out from me. A secret or two, or perhaps something so secretive it does not truly deserve the name 'secret'.

It opened my mind to something I never thought I would think of. And this led me to delve into the minds of the ones dwelling within my mind.

So, without further ado, I will let you see some of the things that goes on in my ever-changing mind.

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"Where is my soul?"

"...my life for your taking. I shall..."

"She is gone; no one will be there to guide thy hands,"

"The Creator is the most wonderful person. She has brought us many--"

"--LIES!"

"...and--"

"--LEFT US TO OUR DOOM!"

"Why must you doubt her?"

"My work, plenty. Damn, where do I start? My goddamn partner's not responding. Who's going to do the intro? Me again? But I have other things to do too. Bloody hell--"

"Is it coming to an end, Alaistar?"

"Where is my soul?"

"The sky seemed darker than usual, don't you think so?"

"...and if I continue to serve you, what will happen to me?"

"Fukami-sama, we must return, somehow,"

"Who is to tell when to? We? Her? The Kaiser? Is it not we who possess minds of our own? Is it not we who created the order in this realm? Why do you say we have to obey her?"

"...there's also IPD to think about,"

"YOU DESPICABLE FOOL, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME?!"

"I'm hungry,"

"The forest dies as the seconds go by. My existence hangs upon a thin thread. Soon, I too will go with the forest,"

"Why did I say that to my Father? Why?"

"Come, let us pray to the Creator. Perhaps in these troubled times, she may come to our aid and deliver us from this misery,"

"Do you love me?"

"If I gave you a reason, you would no longer be here," he smiled, "I have to keep you guessing just to have you with me,"

"The House..."

"Where is my soul?"

"I wonder how Allie's doin' now. She's probably busy with her work and all, but I should go visit her...gotta' apologize to her for last time," he sighed, "Why the hell did I do that?"

"Existence; 'tis a very nimble essence that we all possess. Belief creates Existence, and that's how we survive, how we all came to be. But did we truly come through her? And if so, why does our Existence truly depends on her Belief on us? Why don't we all take her and create ourselves as wholes?"

"...ah...harder, my love...ahh...AH!"

"Evacute the villagers! Protect the crops!" the emperor drew her sword, "Cavalry, CHARGE!"

"Helia..."

"Is it me that you feel, touch, embrace, and devour? Tell me, love, hide no secrets from me lest I render them cruelly from your mind,"

"Why am I doing this to myself?! I'm just hurting the people around me!"

"I want to love him, and I do love him. But I--"

"...exiled from Harmonia. I have plans on leading a rebellion against them but I need a leader, a figurehead; and an army," the tactician extended his hand to the young man, "Will you be my leader?"

"Continue my quest? Hah, what quest? I'm merely drifting...but I do seek something out there. Something exists out there and I want to find it, but at the same time, I can't just abandon it here,"

"Perfection doesn't exist in this world. In fact, I think our minds are too limited to fathom the capabilities of a perfect being. But, suppose we do acquire perfection, won't that make us gods? Heck, who are we to call ourselves gods when we could very well be above that? What then would they call us?"

"I love him,"

"And I love you, Scar,"

"You called me by my middle name, unlike the others. Unlike my dearest cousin, Timaeus..."

"I just want to know why I'm doing this. Is it because of her? Is it truly beacuse I seek the thrill of it? Perhaps it is 'love' that I have fallen in love with, perhaps 'words', perhaps 'lust'..."

"...kill her,"

"Where is my soul?"

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It's odd, really.

Maybe having too many personae in your head would really turn you into a schizoprenic one day. Maybe I really am right now. But it's just the matter of the mind, right?

So, if one is schizophrenic by choice, what would that make her?

Oh, Grover. =.=

Austria

A penthouse of my own, designed somewhat like this.

The grilled dory fillet has officially become my favourite food!

Egyptian Mau. Lovely.

Red and Yellow

A lovely black-blue gown of velvet. (That is, if such a thing existed here. *sighs*)

Especially Simon and Garfunkle's version.

It begins with an A.

Mont' Kiara-ish, I suppose.

Ushered the press into that room there~!

13) Your dream job

An author (I know, she's writing a letter, but meh)

Drama Actress (Perhaps land the role of Titania in A Midsummer's Night Dream)

14) A bad habit you have

Stage Fright
(Yes, I consider this as a bad habit because this can be overcome easily but I have not made any effort for that, and thus, I consider this as my bad habit)

15) Your worst fear




16) The one (or many! <-- edited by Allie) thing you'd like to do before you die

You think taking care of someone is a simple task? Well, I tell you, it isn't.

You know you want to be everything for that person, but when you realise how light your wallet becomes, how you sometimes neglect your meals, how you often go against your parents' wishes for them, how you much you spent for them and none for you, how you would wait for them for hours and tell yourself that it doesn't bother you when it did, how you would do anything to just see them even for a split second, how you--

And the list goes on.

But then, when you think back about these things in your sulking moments, you would end up regretting and grind your teeth and brain as you think of all the money you spent on that one outing when you know your parents are having some sort of difficulty with their income. And there, you begin to blame yourself for your own stupidity because you spent too much, or rather, gave too much for that one person and none for your own.

Perhaps at this moment, you would regret it for actually being with that person. And perhaps in all your fury and anger, you decided to call it off. End it there, move on to the next person in the list, and later find out that that person turned out to be even worse than the one you had before.

Thus, the vicious cycle continues.

But that step can be skipped should you allow rationality to aid your judgement. You put yourself in that person's shoes and try to evaluate things from their point of view, and there you find that they are somewhat similar to yours. Perhaps that, and then you would see that they too suffer the same thing, but they are better than you, because despite all that, they still care for you and asks if you are all right in the midst of you thinking about all the money you spent.

Love later comes into the picture and melts your heart, probably enough to forgive him and tell yourself that you just needed to be a little more patient. Deep down inside, you really do love him but perhaps other factors contribute to those dark thoughts and made you feel down. But you must remember, he is still human.

Sure, he forgets your birthday, forgets to treat you for breakfast, forgets that you don't have enough to spend, forgets that you waited for him for so long and then later he doesn't treat you like you deserved it, and all the faulty ones.

But think again, haven't YOU treated him the same way?

So for you people out there who feels this way, think again! And yes, he still loves you, girls!

And I love you, Aiman Azri. *smiles*

I can expect to see blog post about the fire at our campus today. LOL, and yes, I'll be sure to check on it by tomorrow. However, I'm a wee bit tired to load the pictures in my computer.

And to be honest, I'm pretty much down in the dumps now.

Gah, the tension between my Father's family and my Mother's stretches on. Yes, of course, I asked my Mother to extend my stay here at my Father's. But honestly, when you think about it, why the hell should I ask? I mean, this is my Father's house. MY. FATHER. My own blood and flesh, what's wrong about staying here longer than there?

And of course, I do go back there from time to time. And at times, I do extend my stay there and not go to my Father's even though my sister does. Bah, I don't know what goes on with them but I heard a lot from my stepmother about my mother and how she's...well, sending insulting messages to my Father about my Stepmother. I know, I know, my Mother's jealous and all, but GODDAMNIT. Can't she just.......GAH.

GOD, I JUST CAN'T WAIT TO MOVE OUT, AWAY FROM ALL OF THEM.

TWO MORE YEARS, PEOPLE, TWO MORE YEARS.

And because of that, my Stepmother's giving me the cold shoulder because of my Mother's insult. Well, who wouldn't, right? I mean, I'm my Mother's daughter and not hers. Perhaps I should have gone back to my Mother's? *Shrugs* I don't know.

But if I get my part-time job at my cousin's, and if I manage to find a room to rent or something, somewhere nearby, I'll move there. 'Tis unlikely that I will, of course, but god, the tension in both houses. Keep your wars to yourselves, children! GODDAMNIT.

I'm going out of my mind now, aren't I?

Okay, okay, stay calm. Just...breathe, Allie, breathe. Let it pass through like it always does, think of assignments (an even more annoying problem, but better than the one right now) and Saaya. And maybe even ramen with Ryu and Kaworu. Or a night with Ryo. Either one, anyone...

*sigh*

It's not exactly 'night' yet, but I'm already listening to Lovespirals' Nocturnal Daze, so yea, why not?

Hm, I don't really know what to talk about, so I'll just...give you all a link to every anime and video game soundtrack that is far better than both KH Insider and Galbadia Hotel (GH is banned on Google, it seems). If I'm not wrong this is a Vietnamese website, but no worries, they're all in English...at least the relevant informations are all in English.

ChauThanth

It's a lovely website, easy to navigate and loads faster than Galbadia Hotel. Chau Thanth has less download-interrupt problems, unlike KH Insider. So yes, I give it to thee, the treasure trove of--

I take back my words.

This website does the same thing too.

Goddamnit.

But the odds of getting that is considerably lower than KH Insider and GH! Hee, and I found the songs I've been looking for in there as well. So yes, hail ze website!

My sister just came back from the MTV Asia Awards thingie. Apparently, my Father managed to get two VIP tickets to go watch it yesterday. I wanted to go as well, seeing that my sister was at loss for finding people to go with her for that MTV thingie, but my Mother was off in Kuantan and I had no choice but to stay here and take care of things (thank god I'm back).

So, in the end, my sister went with my cousin and they both had one heluva time. Well, I'm happy for her. =) She deserves these things more than I do (as much as I wanted to go to just go somewhere far away from home~).

Ah well, that's all for today, I suppose. Nothing much happened, save the horrible event that happened this morning. But aside from that, nothing else. Until next time, farewell~

Yes, my friends. I'm home. And as you can see, I'm a wee bit lazy to update my blog. Unfortunately, laziness has caught up to me and is now leading the race. So, I REALLY got to buck up and chase after it.

Parting is such sweet sorrow, as one would say. Bittersweet, I'd say. But I was truly surprised when I saw tears in their eyes. Oh, no, not all them cried, please. XD But two of them did, and I was really really surprised. I didn't know how much my parting would mean to them, and to my regret, I didn't give much thought about this. It made me feel...really sad, and perhaps for a moment there, I could hear myself cursing at my own idiocy for thinking of such things about UiTM.

Hence, 'tis probably another bad part of me that I notice. I only take and believe what most people say to me and then quote those words to others without giving 'em credit (sometimes I do). People say that it was a bad place; I believed it. I went there with that kind of mentality, and to make matters worse, I filled it with even more bad thoughts. And now that I've come to realise how wrong it was, I felt really bad...

Someone should punish me. Really.

Well, I know, the cold caught me and my Mother's not talking. But...but it's...